49. Listener Q&A: Horrible Bosses, Distracted at Work, Wasting Time and Indecision!
As we near the one-year anniversary of this podcast, I thought I’d bring you something I’ve never done before. I’ve put a lot out there via the podcast and I’ve heard how helpful it’s been. But after months of me sharing what I know, I thought I’d reach out to my community and ask them to submit questions about what they want specific help with.
I received questions on a whole host of challenges we experience in the public health field. From job dissatisfaction and indecision to solutions for wasting time and dealing with horrible bosses, I’ve got you covered this week. So, strap yourselves in because I think you’re going to find this episode incredibly helpful, no matter what you’re currently struggling with.
Tune in for the first-ever listener Q&A episode on this podcast! If you’ve got questions you’d like me to address, make sure to connect with me by getting on my email list, or reach out on LinkedIn or Instagram, and you just might hear your question answered on a future episode.
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If you want to take this work deeper and learn the tools and skills to feel better, all while having my support and guidance each step of the way, I invite you to set up a time to chat with me. Click here to grab a spot on my calendar and I can’t wait to speak to you!
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What You Will Discover:
What to do if you’re tired of your job and believe a different job is the answer.
3 reasons you’re struggling with indecision.
How to feel certain about your decisions.
Why there is no organizational tool that will solve your challenge of being distracted or making more time.
The root issue at hand if you often find yourself with not enough time.
What to do if you’ve got a horrible boss at work.
Resources:
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Full Episode Transcript:
If you're two to five years out of your MPH degree, love public health, but find yourself secretly unhappy at work and maybe even thinking about quitting your job, then this is the podcast for you. I'm Marissa McKool, host of the Thoughts Are Your Root Cause podcast. Join me each week as I share tips, tools, and resources to help you have the career you've always dreamed of without any of the stress you are experiencing right now. Come along.
Hello, friends. I’m so glad you’re here, pulled up this podcast episode, clicked play. I’m really excited to be here with you all today. What’s going on? What’s new? What are your challenges? What are your wins? Where is the 50/50 in your life? Life is always 50/50, 50% great and 50% not so great. That’s just how it is.
For me right now my dog, Cudi, who some of you know, if you follow me on Instagram you’ve probably seen pictures of her. Yesterday she had a mass growing on her chest and they believe it’s not cancerous, but they did need to remove it. So, I’m on dog caretaking duties. My partner is in the office, and he will be the next couple of days so I’m in charge of taking care of Cutty and she can only lay in a certain way because of where the incision is. And trying to get a dog to lay in one position all day is not easy. So that’s been part of my 50/50, that’s for sure.
Another part of my 50/50 has been really reflecting and being excited about the fact that it’s about to be a year since this podcast came out. It’s about to be our 50th, we’re a community, episode next week which is crazy. Honestly, it blows my mind. And I’m really excited for next week and the exciting announcement we have, and some giveaways and all that. And you’ll hear about that next week. Actually, if you’re on my email list you’ll hear about it sooner. So, if you want to know first you can join that. We’ll leave a link in the show notes.
But I’m also really excited about this episode, the 49th episode. I really thought about, okay, how do we close out the first year of this work and presenting a lot of these tools, and concepts that I’ve learned from my coaches and teachers, that I’ve developed on my own, that philosophers and leaders have been using for thousands of years and a variety of cultures? But presenting it to you all, to folks in public health who are early to mid-career, who are really struggling with burnout. How do we want to end this year?
And I really felt like a listener Q&A as the first listener Q&A episode would be perfect. I’ve put a lot out there. I’ve shared so many things with you all. I’ve heard how helpful it’s been. But now it’s like, okay, well, what do you want help with? What do you want to know? What is something maybe you didn’t quite get as clearly the first time I shared it or something I haven’t even addressed yet, or a specific challenge that you’d like help with? So, I reached out to my email list, I asked them to submit questions that they had and here are some of them.
Now, if you’ve submitted questions and you don’t hear your exact question today, that’s okay. Some of them were very similar so I just picked out ones that kind of met that theme or that challenge area. Others, I might not be addressing today because there might be a future episode coming up on it that will cover it. If you all love this, if you find this helpful, I know some people do find Q&A format helpful, let me know and I’m more than happy to do more of these and solicit your questions. Or you can send your questions for the next version of this if you all find this helpful.
So, with that let’s just get into it. Okay, so here is the first question. I’m tired of working a computer job. I’m bored and exhausted by the end of the day. I love public health but think that maybe something in the community would be better or maybe going back to get my doctorate. I’ve jumped jobs the past few years and just can’t figure out what I like. I’ve done Skillfinders and tried to find things I like more but I can’t figure it out. Help.
Okay, I think a lot of people have this experience. I’m really thankful and appreciative of this person submitting this question and this scenario. So, I really want to focus on two things in response to this. So, the first is the way you have written this statement, and question, and experience shows me that you believe that your job, the position you’re in delivers your feelings. You believe that if you’re happy it’s because of your job, that if you’re unhappy it’s because of your job, that if you’re bored it’s because of your job.
You believe what determines how you feel in your day-to-day at work is the job itself. And we know this because you’ve been jumping job to job which you shared to try to find one that does or doesn’t make you feel a certain way. And you’ve been thinking, a different job will make me feel differently. Or maybe going to the community will make me feel differently, or maybe getting a doctorate would make me feel differently. And I’m guessing, this is why you’re writing this in. When you’ve had those new jobs you don’t feel that different.
Maybe you go from feeling angry to bored, or you go from feeling frustrated to annoyed, or a version of that. But you still are unsatisfied. You’re still not happy. And you think it’s just because I haven’t found the right job yet, or the right circumstance, or the right environment. But that’s not it. The reason it hasn’t worked is because you’re trying to solve for the wrong problem. The reason you’re bored or exhausted at the end of the day is because of what you’re thinking all day about your to-do’s, about your tasks, about your job, about your boss.
No Skillfinder, or networking experience, or advice will solve this. So, part two I want to share is I want you to notice that because you keep telling yourself this belief you think it’s a fact, but it’s a belief that your happiness and your fulfilment is elsewhere. It’s not where you are, it’s somewhere else. And it’s delivered by something else. Because you’re telling yourself that all day your brain only sees external change as a solution.
So, you spend all your time all day consciously or not, inventorying or listing out all the reasons why you can’t be happy where you are. Listing out all the problems. You spend so much energy focusing on that. And then the other part of your mental energy goes to focusing on looking externally for the answer and trying to figure out, what’s the external solution or change to make me feel better?
And those two things you’re doing with your brain all day, that is what’s creating the exhaustion. That’s creating the mental, and physical, and emotional exhaustion at the end of the day, not your job, not the to-do’s on your job. Okay, so what you need to do is not find a new job, you need to really do the work to see that the job doesn’t deliver your feelings, that that is something you do with where you focus your mind all day and your beliefs all day. If you continue trying to find happiness by changing jobs, or fields, or positions you’ll continue to have the same experience over, and over, and over again which you already have.
So, question number two. I’m struggling with goal setting and figuring out what I really want to do. There are several things I’m interested in and don’t know where to commit or not. Okay, this person didn’t give me that many details to go off of to give some specific coaching with this. But for anyone who’s struggling with decision-making, or making decisions there is only three reasons, one of three reasons why you’re not making a decision. So, the first is you believe there is a right or wrong decision. The second is you believe you have to be certain about the choice before you can make the decision.
And the third is you believe you can’t make a different decision, you can’t change your mind in the future. So, if you’re stuck in indecision and if you’re not making a decision one of those three reasons or all three is the cause of that. Because when you believe one or all three of these, you’re putting so much weight on your decision and pressure. And then your brain gets stuck in indecision which is exhausting. And your brain is afraid of making a decision.
Of course, it is because you’ve told it, well, it has to be the right one, or I need to know all the information. Or I have to be certain, and I can’t make a choice later. Of course, your brain feels pressure and it gets stuck in indecision and doesn’t want to make a choice when you believe those things. But there is never a right or wrong decision. There is just a choice you make and then your thoughts about that choice. And if you want to feel certain about your decision you can. Certainty just doesn’t fall into your lap. Certainty is an optional feeling. It’s a feeling you get to choose that you create by your thoughts.
In the past if you’ve ever felt certain about a decision it’s not because that magically happened. It’s because you had thoughts that created the feeling of certainty. And that’s great but you don’t need certainty to decide. If you want certainty you have to decide to feel it. But if you don’t have certainty and you’re not doing the work to create certainty, you don’t need certainty to make a decision. And you telling yourself you do is a lie and it’s just holding you back.
And then the last piece is you can always make a different decision tomorrow. That is also a huge lie we’re told. Maybe there’ll be different outcomes. Maybe there’ll be different challenges. Maybe there will be different benefits. Please, do not tell yourself you can’t make a different decision tomorrow. There are people who get married and then a week later apply for an annulment. There are people who buy a house and then pull out of Escrow.
There are things that happen where you make a decision then you decide a little bit later to make a different decision. Yeah, maybe people have thoughts and feelings about that. Maybe there’ll be other challenges that will come up. Maybe there will be other logistical stuff, sure. But it doesn’t mean you can’t make a different decision. So, to this listener or anyone else struggling with this, I want you to go back and listen to the past podcast episodes. There is two of them, one is called Indecision and one is called How to Make a Decision. And both of these will really, really help you.
Okay, the third question is I want to create more time for myself, my partner and things I enjoy doing outside of work. But I find I can’t even get all my work done, let alone figure out how to make more time. I can see I don’t stick to my schedule and get distracted in the middle of tasks. I’ve tried different calendaring organization methods, and some have helped but I still can’t figure it out. Okay, so I’m glad this person wrote in about this and I actually think there are a few others around like scheduling in time and stuff like that. But I want everyone to hear this.
The right calendar, the right organizational skill, the right to-do list will never solve your challenge of being distracted or making more time. Calendar, to-do’s, planners are just tools, they are not full blown solutions for your mind drama. And I know this because if you’ve tried different calendaring organization methods and you’re still coming saying, “I’m still wasting my time. I still can’t create more time.” We know it’s the brain drama that needs to be solved because if you had no brain drama about time, and about doing things then you wouldn’t be asking this question.
The reason you don’t have more time is because you’re wasting your time which you see, you waste your time because you get distracted. But what I think you don’t see is you get distracted by your brain. I think you think the perfect calendar, or the perfect planner will prevent me from getting distracted but that’s not true. The thing causing your distraction is your brain.
And you believe what your brain is saying right now. Whether your brain starts to tell you, this is too much work, you should stop, or it tells you, you can just do it later. Or it says, hey, actually we should stop doing this and check email. If you aren’t getting your work done, not following your calendar, not following through on your tasks it’s because of your mind. When you believe all the nonsense your brain throws at you, when you believe all that nonsense in your head, the organization, your calendar, your time will also look like nonsense.
Remember, your brain’s motivation is to conserve energy, avoid pain and seek pleasure. So, when you need to finish your budget report, it doesn’t matter if you’ve calendared it perfectly or you have a really nice whiteboard with to-do’s, or a great planner. Because finishing that budget report uses energy, isn’t necessarily pleasurable and your brain probably thinks it’s going to be painful. All the things your brain doesn’t want to do. So of course, your brain starts to tell you a bunch of nonsense to get you to stop. It tells you to get on Instagram, tells you to check your email, tells you, you can do it later, it tells you to move the calendar around.
It probably even tells you some little white lies about, well, you need this first to do this, or you have to do this first, to get you to do anything to stop you doing that task. You have to manage your brain in this experience. You have to tell your brain what to think and what to do so you can keep doing your work. Right now, you are letting your primitive part of your brain argue for the short-term vision of immediate relief and pleasure, of stopping doing the tasks, of getting that dopamine hit from Instagram, getting that hit from just doing small email tasks to feel productive.
That’s the short-term emotional release and even pleasure we could say. And your brain argues for that every time you go to do your work. What you need to do, I was going to say argue, but not necessarily argue, take charge and parent for the long term pleasure, the long term pleasure and relief of more time, of not being behind, of not having to work in the evenings or the weekends, to feel more in control, to feel more confident, have less work.
You have to take the prefrontal cortex, the part of your brain that does strategic planning and future thinking and engage that intentionally and think about the future benefits of sticking to your calendar, the future payoffs of doing this task. And when your brain starts offering you the short-term benefits of quitting or moving it, you have to take charge of your brain and manage it. No calendar, no to-do list will do that for you, only you can do that. And what I want you to see, the person who wrote this in and anyone else struggling with this is that that is the problem to be solved, not the right calendaring method.
This is so big, I need everyone to hear this. And I can’t tell you how many people I meet with for consults, or coffee chats, or who email me or asks me questions who think that their problem is a simple x, plus y equals z. But really the reason they’re not getting anywhere, to the result they want is because they have the problem and the solution wrong. You think the problem is the calendaring tool. That’s not the problem. The problem is your brain.
But when you think the problem is the calendaring tool then of course you think the solution’s just a different kind of organization method. And that’s the wrong solution because it’s the wrong problem. So for so many of you, your work right now is just figure out what is the actual problem? Because what you think is the problem right now is typically not the problem. It’s typically something that has to do with your brain. And that’s not where you’re looking. And once you figure that piece out then you can actually solve for it.
Alright, last question for today. This person said, we have a lot of turnover at work right now and I haven’t had a boss in six months. I have been reporting to someone else in the organization. She doesn’t listen, doesn’t respect any of us and isn’t a good leader. I don’t know what to do. I think a lot of folks are experiencing a lot of turnover and a lot of people have a lot of thoughts, whether it’s about their boss or the highest CEO leader, or a colleague. So, this will be really useful for everyone. I’m really glad you wrote this in.
So, before I tell you my answer, anyone who believes that your boss doesn’t listen, or isn’t respectful, or isn’t a good leader, what I’m going to say is probably going to put you on defense and in resistance. And I’m telling you that ahead of time so that when that happens you know that you have the option to drop into curiosity instead. You can always decide to disagree with me later, but you can’t make that decision if you put up a wall and don’t even give yourself the opportunity to listen.
And if you’re really unhappy and really struggling with this, then you deserve the opportunity to listen to what potentially is the actual problem and where you’ve gotten the problem wrong so you can find the right solution like what I was just talking about. So, this is what I hear this listener who wrote in saying, which many of you do is you’re basically saying, so my boss temporary or not is causing me a negative feeling. For this listener I don’t know what the feeling is because they didn’t share, but it could be something like anger or frustration, annoyance, something else.
There is some feeling there that you believe your boss is causing. And you really believe that your boss’s behavior, what they say, what they don’t say, what they do is creating your negative emotion. But it’s not. Whatever you’re feeling right now is not a result of your boss, or anything they do or don’t do. It’s a result of your thoughts about your boss. So, this listener wrote in, these are the thoughts they have, that they think aren’t thoughts, they think these are facts, but this is what they wrote.
She doesn’t listen. She doesn’t respect any of us. She isn’t a good leader. Now, I know to whoever wrote this in, you believe these are facts but they’re not. They’re your thoughts. And you believing they are facts is preventing you from feeling better. She doesn’t listen, she doesn’t respect us, she isn’t a good leader are all beliefs you have. And because you think they’re facts, you’re upset because you think you can’t change them. And yes, you cannot change your boss what they do or don’t do.
But the good news is all those things, she doesn’t listen, she doesn’t respect us, anything else, aren’t facts, they’re thoughts, thoughts you have which means you can change them. And when you change those beliefs or thoughts it changes your emotional experience. So, let’s talk a little bit about how we know. Well, not every person in the world who has been, is currently or will be supervised by this person has the same thoughts about them as you. And I know you might want to say, “Well, all my other colleagues or my coworkers feel the same.”
Well, let’s step out of that for a second. Can you think of one person in the world who disagrees with you? I can. I bet you that person, your boss believes she does listen. I bet you she believes she does respect you. So different thoughts than you. Also, I would bet that her boss, or her supervisor, or maybe other leaders in the organization have some beliefs that are different, that she is a good leader, or she does listen in some capacity. That’s why she’s in that position. So, I point this out, I want you to stay with me here for a second.
I’m not saying you have to love her, or agree with everyone she does. And in fact, you’re not even close to being ready to decide that on purpose. That’s not where we are with you right now. Right now, what I want you to see is that you think she’s the problem and she’s the cause of your suffering. And for your suffering to go away she has to change, or you have to figure out to get her to change, or you have to figure out how to leave and run away from her. And I want you to see that she does not cause your suffering.
If you try to run away from her, or make her change, or wait for her to change, you’re just going to continue to suffer because she doesn’t cause your suffering, your thoughts do. All the things you believe about her, the things you believe are facts about her are just thoughts you have. And those beliefs you have are causing your own feelings.
But let’s take it off work for a second, have you ever watched a movie with someone in a theater, or at home, you see the same exact movie. You’re in the same exact circumstance, you’re both on the same couch, you’re both in the same theater. And you watch the same movie. And at the end of the movie, they think it’s a great movie and you thought it was terrible. The movie itself did not cause your emotions. We know that because both you and the person you watched it with have different feelings about the movie. It's your thoughts that cause your emotions, not the movie.
And the same goes with other people. Your boss doesn’t cause your emotions, it’s your thoughts about them. And I would bet that there are people in your organization who feel differently. Because you’ve told yourself over and over that this person’s terrible, and they don’t listen, and everyone agrees. Your brain has kind of filtered that out. But if you push yourself and open up your brain, I bet you would not just see now but see in the past where people have pointed out or said that they feel differently.
Your brain doesn’t want to accept it but if you push yourself to be honest about it you’ll see the evidence that other people disagree. There are people who don’t feel the same way you do and that’s because other people, your boss doesn’t cause your feelings, doesn’t cause your coworkers’ feelings. It’s your thoughts about them. A lot of folks when they hear this they get really defensive and really resistant because we are told constantly from a very young age that other people cause your feelings, and we cause other people’s feelings.
And so, hearing this feels like a shock to the system and we get defensive because then we feel we’re getting blamed and then it’s our fault. And then we also go to the place of, well, do I have to condone them? Are you saying I have to approve them? None of that. I want you right now to just sit and wrestle with, and explore this piece around your thoughts about that person is what creates your emotions and not them. And you can go back and listen, I have several episodes on this, I think there is one called Other People and Your Feelings, Data Versus Drama, and Dealing with Difficult People.
All those can help you really wrestle with this. And I encourage you to wrestle with it. When I first was introduced to this work through my coach, I came to it because I was so, so upset with leadership in my organization. And I had so many beliefs about them and what was wrong with them, and that they were the problem, they caused me so much suffering. And when I was introduced to this truth I didn’t want to believe it, and I wrestled with it, and I argued with it, and I really put in the mental work to prove it wasn’t true which turned out it proved it was true for me, which I’m so glad I did that work.
And I want you to do that work too. So, I’m not saying you have to believe me. But give yourself the chance to wrestle with it and to examine it and to think about it because on the other side of that is the ability to feel better which is what you want at the end of the day anyway. So might as well give yourself a chance to look at this as being that road. And as a sidenote, as a coach, I’m like this is the only road to reducing suffering when you think someone else causes your feelings. But for you where you are right now, just look at it as exploring this path.
So go back, listen to those episodes, really wrestle with it. If you have more questions you can always email them in.
Okay, you all, I think that’s it for this episode. I really loved doing this. I loved reading your questions. I hope this was helpful. And because this is our first Q&A I’d actually really love your feedback to knowing if it was helpful. If you don’t find these formats helpful I can do less of them. If you find them super useful I could do more of them. If you didn’t get to the submit a question and want to, let me know so I know to make more opportunities. It would be really, really, really helpful for me if you gave me some feedback about this.
A couple of ways you can do that, email is always available, connect with me on LinkedIn or Instagram. If you’re on my email list you can always respond to all the messages you get, the Monday messages. And also, you can leave rate and review wherever you listen. You can leave a comment in there, that you can write in the review like I found the listener Q&A episode really, really helpful. Thank you so much.
That would be a really useful form, not just for me to get feedback but for your colleagues, your friends, the whole field of public health to hear what they can get out of this podcast. So, any of those avenues would be so appreciated because really my mission here is to help you, to serve you, to show up and give you tools and resources to make your life easier and help you feel better. So, the more you can share with me about your challenges, about what’s been helpful, what’s not, the more I can make sure to deliver what you are finding useful and what is helping you.
Okay, you all, with that, I’m signing off. I’ll see you next week at our one year anniversary, episode 50, so many exciting things. I cannot wait. I hope you have a great week. Bye everyone.
Are you ready to make a change? Whether that's learning to love your job, making a career move, or anything in between, I can help. I'd be honored to coach you through figuring out what's next and navigating the steps to get there. So, head on over to mckoolcoaching.com/consult that's mckoolcoaching.com/consult to set up a time to chat and talk about how you can achieve the career of your dreams.
Hello, friends. I’m so glad you’re here, pulled up this podcast episode, clicked play. I’m really excited to be here with you all today. What’s going on? What’s new? What are your challenges? What are your wins? Where is the 50/50 in your life? Life is always 50/50, 50% great and 50% not so great. That’s just how it is.
For me right now my dog, Cudi, who some of you know, if you follow me on Instagram you’ve probably seen pictures of her. Yesterday she had a mass growing on her chest and they believe it’s not cancerous, but they did need to remove it. So, I’m on dog caretaking duties. My partner is in the office, and he will be the next couple of days so I’m in charge of taking care of Cutty and she can only lay in a certain way because of where the incision is. And trying to get a dog to lay in one position all day is not easy. So that’s been part of my 50/50, that’s for sure.
Another part of my 50/50 has been really reflecting and being excited about the fact that it’s about to be a year since this podcast came out. It’s about to be our 50th, we’re a community, episode next week which is crazy. Honestly, it blows my mind. And I’m really excited for next week and the exciting announcement we have, and some giveaways and all that. And you’ll hear about that next week. Actually, if you’re on my email list you’ll hear about it sooner. So, if you want to know first you can join that. We’ll leave a link in the show notes.
But I’m also really excited about this episode, the 49th episode. I really thought about, okay, how do we close out the first year of this work and presenting a lot of these tools, and concepts that I’ve learned from my coaches and teachers, that I’ve developed on my own, that philosophers and leaders have been using for thousands of years and a variety of cultures? But presenting it to you all, to folks in public health who are early to mid-career, who are really struggling with burnout. How do we want to end this year?
And I really felt like a listener Q&A as the first listener Q&A episode would be perfect. I’ve put a lot out there. I’ve shared so many things with you all. I’ve heard how helpful it’s been. But now it’s like, okay, well, what do you want help with? What do you want to know? What is something maybe you didn’t quite get as clearly the first time I shared it or something I haven’t even addressed yet, or a specific challenge that you’d like help with? So, I reached out to my email list, I asked them to submit questions that they had and here are some of them.
Now, if you’ve submitted questions and you don’t hear your exact question today, that’s okay. Some of them were very similar so I just picked out ones that kind of met that theme or that challenge area. Others, I might not be addressing today because there might be a future episode coming up on it that will cover it. If you all love this, if you find this helpful, I know some people do find Q&A format helpful, let me know and I’m more than happy to do more of these and solicit your questions. Or you can send your questions for the next version of this if you all find this helpful.
So, with that let’s just get into it. Okay, so here is the first question. I’m tired of working a computer job. I’m bored and exhausted by the end of the day. I love public health but think that maybe something in the community would be better or maybe going back to get my doctorate. I’ve jumped jobs the past few years and just can’t figure out what I like. I’ve done Skillfinders and tried to find things I like more but I can’t figure it out. Help.
Okay, I think a lot of people have this experience. I’m really thankful and appreciative of this person submitting this question and this scenario. So, I really want to focus on two things in response to this. So, the first is the way you have written this statement, and question, and experience shows me that you believe that your job, the position you’re in delivers your feelings. You believe that if you’re happy it’s because of your job, that if you’re unhappy it’s because of your job, that if you’re bored it’s because of your job.
You believe what determines how you feel in your day-to-day at work is the job itself. And we know this because you’ve been jumping job to job which you shared to try to find one that does or doesn’t make you feel a certain way. And you’ve been thinking, a different job will make me feel differently. Or maybe going to the community will make me feel differently, or maybe getting a doctorate would make me feel differently. And I’m guessing, this is why you’re writing this in. When you’ve had those new jobs you don’t feel that different.
Maybe you go from feeling angry to bored, or you go from feeling frustrated to annoyed, or a version of that. But you still are unsatisfied. You’re still not happy. And you think it’s just because I haven’t found the right job yet, or the right circumstance, or the right environment. But that’s not it. The reason it hasn’t worked is because you’re trying to solve for the wrong problem. The reason you’re bored or exhausted at the end of the day is because of what you’re thinking all day about your to-do’s, about your tasks, about your job, about your boss.
No Skillfinder, or networking experience, or advice will solve this. So, part two I want to share is I want you to notice that because you keep telling yourself this belief you think it’s a fact, but it’s a belief that your happiness and your fulfilment is elsewhere. It’s not where you are, it’s somewhere else. And it’s delivered by something else. Because you’re telling yourself that all day your brain only sees external change as a solution.
So, you spend all your time all day consciously or not, inventorying or listing out all the reasons why you can’t be happy where you are. Listing out all the problems. You spend so much energy focusing on that. And then the other part of your mental energy goes to focusing on looking externally for the answer and trying to figure out, what’s the external solution or change to make me feel better?
And those two things you’re doing with your brain all day, that is what’s creating the exhaustion. That’s creating the mental, and physical, and emotional exhaustion at the end of the day, not your job, not the to-do’s on your job. Okay, so what you need to do is not find a new job, you need to really do the work to see that the job doesn’t deliver your feelings, that that is something you do with where you focus your mind all day and your beliefs all day. If you continue trying to find happiness by changing jobs, or fields, or positions you’ll continue to have the same experience over, and over, and over again which you already have.
So, question number two. I’m struggling with goal setting and figuring out what I really want to do. There are several things I’m interested in and don’t know where to commit or not. Okay, this person didn’t give me that many details to go off of to give some specific coaching with this. But for anyone who’s struggling with decision-making, or making decisions there is only three reasons, one of three reasons why you’re not making a decision. So, the first is you believe there is a right or wrong decision. The second is you believe you have to be certain about the choice before you can make the decision.
And the third is you believe you can’t make a different decision, you can’t change your mind in the future. So, if you’re stuck in indecision and if you’re not making a decision one of those three reasons or all three is the cause of that. Because when you believe one or all three of these, you’re putting so much weight on your decision and pressure. And then your brain gets stuck in indecision which is exhausting. And your brain is afraid of making a decision.
Of course, it is because you’ve told it, well, it has to be the right one, or I need to know all the information. Or I have to be certain, and I can’t make a choice later. Of course, your brain feels pressure and it gets stuck in indecision and doesn’t want to make a choice when you believe those things. But there is never a right or wrong decision. There is just a choice you make and then your thoughts about that choice. And if you want to feel certain about your decision you can. Certainty just doesn’t fall into your lap. Certainty is an optional feeling. It’s a feeling you get to choose that you create by your thoughts.
In the past if you’ve ever felt certain about a decision it’s not because that magically happened. It’s because you had thoughts that created the feeling of certainty. And that’s great but you don’t need certainty to decide. If you want certainty you have to decide to feel it. But if you don’t have certainty and you’re not doing the work to create certainty, you don’t need certainty to make a decision. And you telling yourself you do is a lie and it’s just holding you back.
And then the last piece is you can always make a different decision tomorrow. That is also a huge lie we’re told. Maybe there’ll be different outcomes. Maybe there’ll be different challenges. Maybe there will be different benefits. Please, do not tell yourself you can’t make a different decision tomorrow. There are people who get married and then a week later apply for an annulment. There are people who buy a house and then pull out of Escrow.
There are things that happen where you make a decision then you decide a little bit later to make a different decision. Yeah, maybe people have thoughts and feelings about that. Maybe there’ll be other challenges that will come up. Maybe there will be other logistical stuff, sure. But it doesn’t mean you can’t make a different decision. So, to this listener or anyone else struggling with this, I want you to go back and listen to the past podcast episodes. There is two of them, one is called Indecision and one is called How to Make a Decision. And both of these will really, really help you.
Okay, the third question is I want to create more time for myself, my partner and things I enjoy doing outside of work. But I find I can’t even get all my work done, let alone figure out how to make more time. I can see I don’t stick to my schedule and get distracted in the middle of tasks. I’ve tried different calendaring organization methods, and some have helped but I still can’t figure it out. Okay, so I’m glad this person wrote in about this and I actually think there are a few others around like scheduling in time and stuff like that. But I want everyone to hear this.
The right calendar, the right organizational skill, the right to-do list will never solve your challenge of being distracted or making more time. Calendar, to-do’s, planners are just tools, they are not full blown solutions for your mind drama. And I know this because if you’ve tried different calendaring organization methods and you’re still coming saying, “I’m still wasting my time. I still can’t create more time.” We know it’s the brain drama that needs to be solved because if you had no brain drama about time, and about doing things then you wouldn’t be asking this question.
The reason you don’t have more time is because you’re wasting your time which you see, you waste your time because you get distracted. But what I think you don’t see is you get distracted by your brain. I think you think the perfect calendar, or the perfect planner will prevent me from getting distracted but that’s not true. The thing causing your distraction is your brain.
And you believe what your brain is saying right now. Whether your brain starts to tell you, this is too much work, you should stop, or it tells you, you can just do it later. Or it says, hey, actually we should stop doing this and check email. If you aren’t getting your work done, not following your calendar, not following through on your tasks it’s because of your mind. When you believe all the nonsense your brain throws at you, when you believe all that nonsense in your head, the organization, your calendar, your time will also look like nonsense.
Remember, your brain’s motivation is to conserve energy, avoid pain and seek pleasure. So, when you need to finish your budget report, it doesn’t matter if you’ve calendared it perfectly or you have a really nice whiteboard with to-do’s, or a great planner. Because finishing that budget report uses energy, isn’t necessarily pleasurable and your brain probably thinks it’s going to be painful. All the things your brain doesn’t want to do. So of course, your brain starts to tell you a bunch of nonsense to get you to stop. It tells you to get on Instagram, tells you to check your email, tells you, you can do it later, it tells you to move the calendar around.
It probably even tells you some little white lies about, well, you need this first to do this, or you have to do this first, to get you to do anything to stop you doing that task. You have to manage your brain in this experience. You have to tell your brain what to think and what to do so you can keep doing your work. Right now, you are letting your primitive part of your brain argue for the short-term vision of immediate relief and pleasure, of stopping doing the tasks, of getting that dopamine hit from Instagram, getting that hit from just doing small email tasks to feel productive.
That’s the short-term emotional release and even pleasure we could say. And your brain argues for that every time you go to do your work. What you need to do, I was going to say argue, but not necessarily argue, take charge and parent for the long term pleasure, the long term pleasure and relief of more time, of not being behind, of not having to work in the evenings or the weekends, to feel more in control, to feel more confident, have less work.
You have to take the prefrontal cortex, the part of your brain that does strategic planning and future thinking and engage that intentionally and think about the future benefits of sticking to your calendar, the future payoffs of doing this task. And when your brain starts offering you the short-term benefits of quitting or moving it, you have to take charge of your brain and manage it. No calendar, no to-do list will do that for you, only you can do that. And what I want you to see, the person who wrote this in and anyone else struggling with this is that that is the problem to be solved, not the right calendaring method.
This is so big, I need everyone to hear this. And I can’t tell you how many people I meet with for consults, or coffee chats, or who email me or asks me questions who think that their problem is a simple x, plus y equals z. But really the reason they’re not getting anywhere, to the result they want is because they have the problem and the solution wrong. You think the problem is the calendaring tool. That’s not the problem. The problem is your brain.
But when you think the problem is the calendaring tool then of course you think the solution’s just a different kind of organization method. And that’s the wrong solution because it’s the wrong problem. So for so many of you, your work right now is just figure out what is the actual problem? Because what you think is the problem right now is typically not the problem. It’s typically something that has to do with your brain. And that’s not where you’re looking. And once you figure that piece out then you can actually solve for it.
Alright, last question for today. This person said, we have a lot of turnover at work right now and I haven’t had a boss in six months. I have been reporting to someone else in the organization. She doesn’t listen, doesn’t respect any of us and isn’t a good leader. I don’t know what to do. I think a lot of folks are experiencing a lot of turnover and a lot of people have a lot of thoughts, whether it’s about their boss or the highest CEO leader, or a colleague. So, this will be really useful for everyone. I’m really glad you wrote this in.
So, before I tell you my answer, anyone who believes that your boss doesn’t listen, or isn’t respectful, or isn’t a good leader, what I’m going to say is probably going to put you on defense and in resistance. And I’m telling you that ahead of time so that when that happens you know that you have the option to drop into curiosity instead. You can always decide to disagree with me later, but you can’t make that decision if you put up a wall and don’t even give yourself the opportunity to listen.
And if you’re really unhappy and really struggling with this, then you deserve the opportunity to listen to what potentially is the actual problem and where you’ve gotten the problem wrong so you can find the right solution like what I was just talking about. So, this is what I hear this listener who wrote in saying, which many of you do is you’re basically saying, so my boss temporary or not is causing me a negative feeling. For this listener I don’t know what the feeling is because they didn’t share, but it could be something like anger or frustration, annoyance, something else.
There is some feeling there that you believe your boss is causing. And you really believe that your boss’s behavior, what they say, what they don’t say, what they do is creating your negative emotion. But it’s not. Whatever you’re feeling right now is not a result of your boss, or anything they do or don’t do. It’s a result of your thoughts about your boss. So, this listener wrote in, these are the thoughts they have, that they think aren’t thoughts, they think these are facts, but this is what they wrote.
She doesn’t listen. She doesn’t respect any of us. She isn’t a good leader. Now, I know to whoever wrote this in, you believe these are facts but they’re not. They’re your thoughts. And you believing they are facts is preventing you from feeling better. She doesn’t listen, she doesn’t respect us, she isn’t a good leader are all beliefs you have. And because you think they’re facts, you’re upset because you think you can’t change them. And yes, you cannot change your boss what they do or don’t do.
But the good news is all those things, she doesn’t listen, she doesn’t respect us, anything else, aren’t facts, they’re thoughts, thoughts you have which means you can change them. And when you change those beliefs or thoughts it changes your emotional experience. So, let’s talk a little bit about how we know. Well, not every person in the world who has been, is currently or will be supervised by this person has the same thoughts about them as you. And I know you might want to say, “Well, all my other colleagues or my coworkers feel the same.”
Well, let’s step out of that for a second. Can you think of one person in the world who disagrees with you? I can. I bet you that person, your boss believes she does listen. I bet you she believes she does respect you. So different thoughts than you. Also, I would bet that her boss, or her supervisor, or maybe other leaders in the organization have some beliefs that are different, that she is a good leader, or she does listen in some capacity. That’s why she’s in that position. So, I point this out, I want you to stay with me here for a second.
I’m not saying you have to love her, or agree with everyone she does. And in fact, you’re not even close to being ready to decide that on purpose. That’s not where we are with you right now. Right now, what I want you to see is that you think she’s the problem and she’s the cause of your suffering. And for your suffering to go away she has to change, or you have to figure out to get her to change, or you have to figure out how to leave and run away from her. And I want you to see that she does not cause your suffering.
If you try to run away from her, or make her change, or wait for her to change, you’re just going to continue to suffer because she doesn’t cause your suffering, your thoughts do. All the things you believe about her, the things you believe are facts about her are just thoughts you have. And those beliefs you have are causing your own feelings.
But let’s take it off work for a second, have you ever watched a movie with someone in a theater, or at home, you see the same exact movie. You’re in the same exact circumstance, you’re both on the same couch, you’re both in the same theater. And you watch the same movie. And at the end of the movie, they think it’s a great movie and you thought it was terrible. The movie itself did not cause your emotions. We know that because both you and the person you watched it with have different feelings about the movie. It's your thoughts that cause your emotions, not the movie.
And the same goes with other people. Your boss doesn’t cause your emotions, it’s your thoughts about them. And I would bet that there are people in your organization who feel differently. Because you’ve told yourself over and over that this person’s terrible, and they don’t listen, and everyone agrees. Your brain has kind of filtered that out. But if you push yourself and open up your brain, I bet you would not just see now but see in the past where people have pointed out or said that they feel differently.
Your brain doesn’t want to accept it but if you push yourself to be honest about it you’ll see the evidence that other people disagree. There are people who don’t feel the same way you do and that’s because other people, your boss doesn’t cause your feelings, doesn’t cause your coworkers’ feelings. It’s your thoughts about them. A lot of folks when they hear this they get really defensive and really resistant because we are told constantly from a very young age that other people cause your feelings, and we cause other people’s feelings.
And so, hearing this feels like a shock to the system and we get defensive because then we feel we’re getting blamed and then it’s our fault. And then we also go to the place of, well, do I have to condone them? Are you saying I have to approve them? None of that. I want you right now to just sit and wrestle with, and explore this piece around your thoughts about that person is what creates your emotions and not them. And you can go back and listen, I have several episodes on this, I think there is one called Other People and Your Feelings, Data Versus Drama, and Dealing with Difficult People.
All those can help you really wrestle with this. And I encourage you to wrestle with it. When I first was introduced to this work through my coach, I came to it because I was so, so upset with leadership in my organization. And I had so many beliefs about them and what was wrong with them, and that they were the problem, they caused me so much suffering. And when I was introduced to this truth I didn’t want to believe it, and I wrestled with it, and I argued with it, and I really put in the mental work to prove it wasn’t true which turned out it proved it was true for me, which I’m so glad I did that work.
And I want you to do that work too. So, I’m not saying you have to believe me. But give yourself the chance to wrestle with it and to examine it and to think about it because on the other side of that is the ability to feel better which is what you want at the end of the day anyway. So might as well give yourself a chance to look at this as being that road. And as a sidenote, as a coach, I’m like this is the only road to reducing suffering when you think someone else causes your feelings. But for you where you are right now, just look at it as exploring this path.
So go back, listen to those episodes, really wrestle with it. If you have more questions you can always email them in.
Okay, you all, I think that’s it for this episode. I really loved doing this. I loved reading your questions. I hope this was helpful. And because this is our first Q&A I’d actually really love your feedback to knowing if it was helpful. If you don’t find these formats helpful I can do less of them. If you find them super useful I could do more of them. If you didn’t get to the submit a question and want to, let me know so I know to make more opportunities. It would be really, really, really helpful for me if you gave me some feedback about this.
A couple of ways you can do that, email is always available, connect with me on LinkedIn or Instagram. If you’re on my email list you can always respond to all the messages you get, the Monday messages. And also, you can leave rate and review wherever you listen. You can leave a comment in there, that you can write in the review like I found the listener Q&A episode really, really helpful. Thank you so much.
That would be a really useful form, not just for me to get feedback but for your colleagues, your friends, the whole field of public health to hear what they can get out of this podcast. So, any of those avenues would be so appreciated because really my mission here is to help you, to serve you, to show up and give you tools and resources to make your life easier and help you feel better. So, the more you can share with me about your challenges, about what’s been helpful, what’s not, the more I can make sure to deliver what you are finding useful and what is helping you.
Okay, you all, with that, I’m signing off. I’ll see you next week at our one year anniversary, episode 50, so many exciting things. I cannot wait. I hope you have a great week. Bye everyone.
Are you ready to make a change? Whether that's learning to love your job, making a career move, or anything in between, I can help. I'd be honored to coach you through figuring out what's next and navigating the steps to get there. So, head on over to mckoolcoaching.com/consult that's mckoolcoaching.com/consult to set up a time to chat and talk about how you can achieve the career of your dreams.
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