73. Listener Q&A - Big Decisions, Parenting Teens, & Communicating Mental Health Needs
I love doing Q&A episodes, I’ve done this once before on the podcast and you all loved it, so I wanted to do it again. This week I’m taking some of the questions I received from you and sharing my responses to encourage you to challenge the way you currently think about things and give you an alternative way to look at your situations.
Do you need some help with making big decisions? Are you looking for some advice on parenting teens or some guidance on how to communicate your mental health needs to others? These questions might not be specific to what you’re struggling with, but the way you think about one thing is the way you think about everything, and you can apply my answers to your own scenarios.
Listen in this week as I’m answering your questions and showing you how to get to the root cause of your thoughts so you can create relief, fulfillment, and empowerment in your life. I’m encouraging you to challenge the way you currently think about things, giving you an alternative way of looking at your situations, and showing you how doing this coaching work can change your entire experience of life.
If you want to take this work deeper and learn the tools and skills to feel better, all while having my support and guidance each step of the way, I invite you to set up a time to chat with me. Click here to grab a spot on my calendar and I can’t wait to speak to you!
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What You Will Discover:
The reason we feel afraid to make a decision based on a future scenario.
How we have been socialized to believe that mental health needs don’t exist.
Why there is no such thing as a right or wrong choice.
How you might be secretly seeking perfection.
What internalized ableism looks like.
How to know when your brain isn’t really telling you the truth.
Resources:
Get The Burnout Recovery Resolution mini-course right now by signing up here before September, 30th, 2022!
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Full Episode Transcript:
Hey, you all, I’m Marissa McKool, and you’re listening to the Redefining Rest Podcast for public health professionals. Here we believe rest is your right. You don’t have to earn it, you just have to learn how to take it and I’m going to teach you. Ready? Come along.
Well, hello, everyone. I’m so excited you’re here for this special Q&A episode. I’ve done this once before, you all loved it. And I asked some folks on Instagram who follow me, what questions they have. What coaching do they need? And I got so many amazing responses, this will probably have to be a two part episode. Partly because I got so many questions but also partly because we are in the middle of a heatwave in the Bay Area where I’m recording this.
I’m currently in my office that – let me set the scene. The windows, I have put pillows in and tacked an extra sheet on top underneath the actual cloth blinds. And normally I have a fan running but because I’m recording that, would be too noisy. And by the time I get done recording this I’m going to be sweating really bad. So, this can’t go on for too long because I think it’s about to be a 100 today. Yesterday was a 104. And if you’re not familiar with the Bay Area, particularly areas closer to the water and not as inland, we don’t have air conditioning because we didn’t really need it.
But with climate change and these heatwaves, there are times in the year where it gets really bad, actually for the first time ever, I have never done this. I guess the way you can rent out hotel rooms, vacant hotel rooms just for the day to work, not necessarily related to heat needs but when you’re traveling. So, I rented one, so after I record this I’m going to head there and get some much needed air conditioning because I don’t like the heat. Some people can handle it, it’s really not for me.
And also, I was supposed to record this episode last week and I actually did. So let me tell you how we got to where we are today. I’m recording this on a Tuesday. Well, last Friday I was supposed to record this episode. I got a lot done throughout the day and actually there was a couple of tasks that took me longer than I expected. And I was actually enjoying doing them. I was having fun. So, I think partly I didn’t just cut it off and be like, “Okay, this is good enough.” Not because I was worried it wasn’t good enough, but I was just having fun doing what I was doing.
So then by the end of the day my brain’s a little foggy. If I was really tuning into my body signals and respecting them I wouldn’t have tried to record this podcast last Friday. And I heard my body signals, I have gotten much better at that. I definitely have a tendency when I have in my mind, I’m sure many of you can relate, when I have an expectation in my mind that I’m going to get a task, or a certain number of tasks done within a period or day, and it turns out it’s taking me longer than expected. I really do struggle walking away with it unfinished.
Unpacking for example, if I think, if we move and I think it should take me a day to get this room unpacked and by the end of the day it’s halfway done. I really struggle walking away mostly because I’ve set this expectation up in my head that I should be able to get it done. And then I’m disappointed that I can’t, and I have this urge. And my brain tells me, oh my gosh, it would be so much better if you just get it done. You can do it, you’ll feel better tomorrow, you’ll feel better next week.
But when I tune into my body, usually my body’s saying, no, you can leave it. I’m tired. And so that happened Friday. I had this urge to get this podcast done and my brain was saying you’ll just feel so much better if you get it done and you don’t have to worry about it next week. And I did hear my body, I could tell I had some fogginess in my head and tiredness, but I didn’t listen to it. So, I recorded the podcast and to be honest it was a fine episode. I could put it out. I would say it’s maybe B work if we were grading it and you all would get a lot of good stuff out of it.
There are times and you’ve probably experienced this, and I have too where you push yourself, finish something when you don’t have the time, or you’re exhausted. And actually, it’s not great and you really do need to redo it. That never feels good. I could have easily put that podcast out. But part of the reason I wanted to rerecord is to tell this whole piece and kind of share a little bit, so you know your experience is not in isolation. But also share kind of what I ended up doing so you can learn from it.
One of the things that would really bother me in the past before I really worked on this was not only after I did the thing that I was too exhausted to do and made my day go way longer over the next whatever, day or two. My brain would constantly then criticize what I did. And it was like wait, do I not get a break here? First you’re telling me I have to get this done and push myself and overwork, and work past the time I set. But now I’ve done that and now you’re telling me it’s terrible and I have to do it again.
That’s when you know your brain’s not really telling you the truth. And that happened, my brain was saying that but here’s what I want to share. I did not listen to that part of my brain. I was finally able to catch under my brain and change the tune. So, I noticed my brain was telling me all Saturday, I don’t work weekends, very, very rarely. And if I do I flex out during the week. My brain was telling me, you just record it, it’ll take half an hour, an hour. And then you’ll feel so much better next week.
And I finally caught onto my brain, and I told my brain, no, we’re not doing that. We’re just going to do it next week. I’m making this decision. And I had it scheduled for Monday and moved it to Monday. Yesterday came, it was really hot, and I decided to move it to today. Today is Tuesday and I had no drama. My brain did not freak out. And that is because I made an active decision. So, I think what contributes to when our brain’s telling us we should overwork, should push ourselves is because we’re not making an active decision.
On Friday if I would have made the active decision, no, I’m going to do this Saturday, no, I’m going to do this Monday, my brain probably would have calmed down a little bit. But I didn’t, I wavered and I kind of just let my primitive brain, my urge brain, my reactive brain just kind of be the loudest voice in my head and not really take ownership and responsibility of making a decision. And once I did on Saturday, then even Monday when it came and I decided not to do it and move it, there was no drama. That is the power of this coaching work.
That really can change your experience both in work and in the times you’re not working so you can be present and enjoy your weekend, and be with your family, and do that hobby you want to enjoy. And give yourself grace to move your workload, to change your workload, to be flexible to what you need for rest. Because yesterday I was melting. I really needed more rest. And today I’m able to record this podcast early in the morning, which I couldn’t yesterday because I had a coaching client.
So, if you also struggle, you notice that urge, that reactivity to get it all done, you have a hard time ending a task midway through or stepping away from your computer, or not working on the weekends, or not just thinking, if your struggle is actually just thinking about cancelling what you should be doing or shouldn’t be doing. That is where coaching can really help. That’s what I’ve worked on a lot, and it still comes up but it’s such a different experience for me. And that’s what I help so many of my clients do. Truly that’s one of the main things I work on.
So, if you struggle with this, I want you to consider whether working together one-on-one more intensely would benefit you, would serve you and would be the right time for you right now. Sorry, that was a longwinded sidetrack, but I do think it’s related. Today we are going to do Q&A. And speaking of one-on-one coaching, I’m going to do the Q&A. I’m going to share the questions and then share my responses. And then I’m going to invite you to really consider joining my one-on-one coaching program because I love doing these Q&As.
Sometimes I do it on podcasts, sometimes I do it on my Instagram. If you’re not following me, get on over there, Public Health Coach, give me a follow, or LinkedIn, or my emails. And I love doing these but it’s important to acknowledge when we do these Q&As, I don’t have the whole picture. I don’t have all the context of course because the platform to ask a question, there’s not as many, the word count is smaller. Also, maybe you don’t want to write the whole context to be read on a public podcast, totally get it.
But there are some, I can do a good amount of coaching and you can learn, and others can learn from these Q&A episodes. I 100% believe that. But we can go so much deeper in a one-on-one coaching situation where it’s just you and me. I can understand the context more deeply. I can coach you more deeply. We can really get to the root and the crux. And not only that, we can really work and change your brain’s belief. And let you really get that aha moment that really shifts everything for you. That’s really the power of one-on-one coaching.
So, as we go through today and I share the questions, and I share the answers, if you find them helpful what I want you to think about is how much more helpful would it be if this was one-on-one, just you and me and we can go really deep. It would be tenfold, a hundredfold deeper and more impactful to work one-on-one. So, I want you to consider that.
So, the first question is, knowing when to make a ‘big decision’ for your organization, my board trusts me but I’m afraid to make the wrong choice. Okay, why are you afraid to make the wrong choice? What in your mind would happen if you made the ‘wrong choice’ what are you afraid is going to happen? What is the worst case scenario your brain is playing out? Now, again I don’t have all the context, so I don’t really know. And I can’t really necessarily give an example specific to this question asker’s context.
But let’s just say hypothetically in your mind the worst case scenario is you make a choice and then it ends up being that money is used in a way that’s not really productive or helpful, or people get upset, or you lose funding, or you lose staff. Maybe that’s where your brain is going, maybe somewhere else but what is the worst case scenario, play that all the way out. What are you really afraid of if that happens? If you make a decision and you lose funding, we’ll just use that as an example, what are you scared of happening?
Probably one of the pieces is what others will think and how they’ll react. If you think your board trusts you now but you make the ‘wrong decision,’ you’re probably afraid of what they’re going to think about you. If they’re going to think you’re irresponsible, or that they shouldn’t have trust in you, are they going to react by firing you or yelling at you? Then if that happens what will you say to yourself? So often when we are afraid of a future scenario our brain just takes us to the beginning point and we don’t play it all the way out.
So, if you make the ‘wrong choice’ and something happens, and everyone’s mad at you, then what? Go that extra step in your mind. What are you afraid you are going to say to yourself? What are you afraid you are going to feel? Is it shame? Is it guilt? Are you going to be telling yourself, I’m a fuck up, I shouldn’t have done that, you can’t trust yourself, you’ll never get a job? What would be happening in your mind and in your emotions? Because here’s the thing, there’s no such thing as a right or wrong choice. It's a 100% subjective.
You can make a decision and even if it results in let’s say loss of funding and your board has thoughts that you’re irresponsible. And let’s even go to the worst case scenario in some ways of let’s say you get fired. We could survey a 1,000 people, half of them might say, “Oh, yeah, that obviously was the wrong choice.” And half of them might say, “Oh, I don’t know. That might have been the right choice.” Truly, I know some of you are thinking, no. If I lost funding and I got fired, of course everyone would think it’s the wrong choice. But is that true?
How many experiences in your life at the time when you made them, or shortly after you thought it was the wrong choice and now years later you look back and you’re like, “Oh my gosh, that was absolutely the right choice. I’m so glad I did that.” Now, this is not to say I want you to gaslight yourself or silver-lining everything, or pretend everything’s fine if you feel like shit. No, I’m just pointing out that the idea there is a right or wrong choice is a 100% subjective.
And ultimately what you are afraid of if you make a choice that you tell yourself is wrong, you’re just afraid of what you’re going to say to yourself. I made the wrong choice. That’s just a thought, that’s not a fact. You’re afraid of what you’re going to say to yourself and how you’re going to feel. Because let’s say you had your back 100%, you knew you weren’t going to be an asshole to yourself, even if something happens and your board thinks you’re irresponsible or people get mad at you, or you get fired.
If you 100% have your own back and you’re not an asshole to yourself then what would the fear be about? If you knew you would trust yourself, you would have your own back, you’d figure it out, you wouldn’t be a jerk to yourself. Then if other people have different opinions or are upset then what are you afraid of? And I want you to consider just given the way you wrote this question, I bet your brain is often playing what you think is the worst case scenario or what could go wrong. How often are you playing out the best case scenario or what could go right?
When I ask my one-on-one clients this, typically they go, “About 90% of the time I play out worst case scenario and 10% of the time I play out best case scenario.” That is part of what’s preventing you from making a choice in the first place or seeing that whether the choice is right or wrong is totally subjective. And it’s also preventing you from trusting yourself.
If your brain, if you’re letting your brain 90% of the time only think about the worst case scenario and what could go horribly wrong, and what you’ll feel, and what you’ll think, and what other people will do. And never thinking about how you might know what decision you feel like is best, how if something were to happen you didn’t like, you’d have your own back.
If you are thinking of the best case scenario, how things could turn out amazingly, how you would love the choice you make, how it would help everyone else, how other people might be happy with it, what would be different in your experience of making a decision? You said in here, my board trusts me, but you don’t trust you. That’s the problem here. Just because your board trusts you, why can’t you make a decision then? It’s because you don’t trust you.
If you trusted yourself a 100%, it wouldn’t really even matter what the board thought. You could trust yourself a 100% and the board cannot trust you and you’ve still got your own back, and move forward to make decisions. What’s preventing you from making a decision is that you’re not trusting yourself. And when I say trusting yourself I do not mean trust yourself to get it perfect. I mean trust yourself to make the best decision you can and then no matter what happens to have your own back and not be an asshole to yourself and believe you can figure it out and move forward.
Alright, I’m a little fiery this morning, you all. But I want you to take what I’m sharing and really chew on it and really think about it. For some of you who have never been in one-on-one coaching, if this is your question or this is very similar to something you’re struggling with, me providing this response which is much more maybe direct to your scenario than other episodes you might have listened to, might feel a little jarring. Your brain might be in reactivity mode, totally normal.
But I want you to drop into curiosity. How could this be true? How could this help me? And let it go on tumble dry in your brain, so you at least get the chance to explore it and then decide what you want to think rather than just be in reactivity and shut down. And also, as I read these questions maybe they aren’t a 100% specific to what you’re struggling with or the topic’s different. I still want you to tune into the answers because a lot of times this person for example who’s struggling with trusting themselves, maybe for them it’s in work with a ‘big decision.’
But maybe for you, you struggle trusting yourself in relationships, or in career choices. So, the answer, what I’m sharing, the coaching, the teaching might apply to you in a different area of your life.
Alright, next one. This person said, struggling with parenting teenagers. Since I’m in public health I know too much about risk/development and my kids just think I’m overreacting. Okay, the first thing I want to point out is that you believe where you say, I know too much about risk/development, you believe that’s a fact. You’re saying that as if you’re reporting the weather. But it’s not, that’s just a thought that you’re having.
This is really, really important to point out because when you believe it’s just a fact, just the truth from the universe, you know too much about risk and development, there is an undercurrent that is happening under that belief. Which is the sub belief that you can predict everything, or that you need to control everything, or you should control everything. And you’re not leaving room for the truth that there is a lot you don’t know. Everyone has to be careful in public health about this.
I have struggled with this too. I don’t have teenagers but in other areas. We’ve all struggled with this. When we work in a field, whether or not you’re an expert, you could be a researcher in [inaudible] development or you could work in tobacco control. It doesn’t really matter. We have a broader understanding of certain things in public health.
But when we take this home to the extent that we are telling ourselves it’s a fact that we know everything or know too much about something then we are not leaving space for the context in our own lives which is so, so important. And even if we were talking about scientific research, one of the, we could say flaws, that might be an extreme word, where a lot of scientific research is it doesn’t leave space for context in individual lives. The same with prevention programming.
And also, when you take this home believing it’s just a fact you are not leaving space for choice. You’re not leaving space for you to have an active choice which we’re going to talk about more in a second. But when you just go to, it’s a fact, I know too much, you cut off all the other potential choices you have and you just are like, “This is the only choice I have.” And then you feel stressed out when it’s not working. And you also in this context are cutting off choice that other people might have.
Your all kids have choice to some extent, teenagers. I’m not saying you let them run free and have no rules and have no boundaries. I’m not saying that at all. But they are also humans with their own opinions and perspectives and want their own choice. I’m not saying you give them their own choice all the time necessarily. But I just want you to see that when you have this belief and you think it’s a fact, you’re not leaving room for you or others to explore choice.
And you end up seeking low key, unconsciously perfection. It’s really, really important for you to acknowledge that that’s not a fact, I know too much about risk development. Even if we stepped out broader, we have to acknowledge there’s lots of things in science where for decades the scientific literature said one thing and then as technology advanced, as scientific approaches advance, as things change, that knowledge, that literature, those findings changed over time. We have to leave room for that.
That’s not to say, again, I want to be very clear, I’m not saying you have no rules and no boundaries, and you never think about your knowledge and what you know to make decisions in your household. But do not go to the extreme, where you don’t have space for yourself or anyone else to kind of explore what works best for you and your parenting, and for you with your family. That’s really important.
Okay, the other thing I want to say, there are a couple of options here. This first one you’re probably not going to like or want to hear but it’s so, so important you give yourself space to truly see this as an option which is you can stop doing whatever it is you’re doing that your kids think you’re overacting about. Now, you didn’t share the context, so I don’t know. But I’m just going to throw out an example. Let’s say you have location sharing on your phone so you can see where they are. Maybe that’s one of the things they think you’re overreacting about.
You have the option to stop doing that. Now, I’m not saying you should, or you have to, I’m saying it’s really important you explore that option, see it as a true option and give yourself space to explore it. You probably want to just shut that down. No, not an option, I know too much about risk and development. You’re shutting off exploring different options. And there’s a couple of reasons why it’s really important. Because when you don’t give yourself space to explore that, you’re not truly making a conscious and active decision.
You’re basically saying, I only have one choice and then you get really frustrated when it’s not going the way you think it should. When you look at all the options and then consciously and actively decide which one you’re going to do, even if that choice you make is challenging, it won’t be as difficult and the challenges that come up you’ll be able to face differently because you know, you went through the process of making that choice on purpose. And you’re not denying there are other options that in some respects might be easier and might be harder in others.
Here's the other thing, when you shut off looking at the other options and just saying, “That’s not viable, that’s not an option.” You’re missing out on where you could see nuance, even if you explored this option and decided, no, this is not it. You might learn some stuff from exploring this option. You might figure out a third option. Okay, this option is not really going to work for me, but you know what, I’ve got this idea. Maybe we can do this. Maybe we can meet in the middle. You’re missing out on so much that might help you.
Give yourself space to get clearer on what you think about the option of stop doing whatever it is you’re doing, your kids are overreacting about. If you took that, if you did that and stopped doing whatever it is you’re doing, what would come up for you? What emotions would come up, would it be fear? Would it be shame? Would it be guilt? Would it be worry? That is ultimately what you’re trying to avoid. Obviously you’re trying to keep your kids safe, I get that.
But the emotional piece underneath is you’re trying to avoid feeling whatever that feeling is. And that’s the root of what you need to work on. Just because you still let’s say have location sharing on the phone, and you don’t take it off, it doesn’t mean those emotions of fear or shame just went away. Those are still there because they’re created by some thoughts you’re thinking, whether consciously or subconsciously. Maybe that your kid are going to get in trouble, or your kids are in danger, or that you’re not being a good parent and whatever it is. That is the root.
Let’s talk about public health. We know that you have to get to the root cause and address that. And your root cause of what you’re struggling with and why it’s so challenging when your kids think you’re overreacting is actually because you’re not processing, you’re not looking at, you’re not addressing the emotions you’re avoiding and what thoughts you’re thinking that create those emotions, the catastrophizing, the self-shame, all of that. Again, I’m not saying you have to choose the option of stop doing whatever you’re doing.
But I really want to encourage you to explore that. That’s what we would do in one-on-one, and it would be so, so important. Because ultimately what you’re struggling with is really the emotional experience right now. Okay, here’s the other option. You could totally let your kids think you’re overreacting, and it not be a problem. I don’t know if your kids have verbatim said, “Hey, you’re overreacting.” Or they rolled their eyes and you assumed that that’s what they’re thinking.
But let’s just say they said it verbatim, why is that a problem? Why not let them just think that? I want you to really think about it. If we were in one-on-one coaching and I asked you, “Why is it a problem that they think you’re overreacting?” Your answer to that question would really help us get to the root of why you are struggling. Because they can totally think that, even say that to you, it doesn’t have to be a problem at all, doesn’t have to bother you at all, so right now why does it?
Is it because when they say that, in your head you get into a shame and blame game, in your head you make it mean they don’t respect you? In your head you make it mean you’re a bad parent? What is it and what is the emotion that comes up? Is it shame? Is it guilt? Is it frustration? That’s what needs to be addressed. You can totally get to a place where they even say that, it’s not a problem. You don’t have to agree with them. You don’t have to think it too, you can love them unconditionally and have no emotional suffering because of it.
You could get to a place where you don’t judge them for thinking that and you don’t judge yourself, you don’t make it mean anything about yourself as a parent. And you can still decide what you want to do. Listen, of course your kids think that, they are teenagers. Teens of parents with zero public health, or medical knowledge, or science knowledge think their parents are overreacting. Teens think their parents are overreacting from things like asking them to clean their room, to saying they can’t smoke e-cigarettes.
Of course, your kids are thinking you’re overreacting, so what? Why is that a problem? If you just expected it and accepted that they think that without judging them or yourself, then it doesn’t have to be a problem. There’s something there, there is a reason you think it’s a problem and that’s the root that needs to be addressed.
Okay, last one. I graduated with an MPH this year and started working right away. I’ve been struggling with my mental health due to personal reasons but I’m not sure how to communicate that to my new employer without sounding like I’m making excuses. I’ve been behind on work due to lack of motivation. Okay, this is what I’m really curious about. When you say, sound like I’m making excuses, why do you think it would sound like that?
I’m guessing in your mind, because you’ve been behind on work, you haven’t had motivation, even though you know some of that is a result of whatever mental health struggles you’re having. You still in your mind believe it would be making excuses. Truth is, even if your brain’s telling you you’re worried that your employer’s going to think you’re making excuses. It's really that you already think that. Why? Why do you think that? In a lot of ways, it can make sense because we are so socialized to believe that mental health needs don’t exist.
Mental health stigma has been around for a long time. And even though it’s getting better it still exists. And we internalize that stigma. We’re also socialized to believe you should always be able to have high productivity and get everything done no matter your experience. We’ve all internalized some level of ableism that says no matter your physical experience, no matter your mental experience, no matter your emotional experience, you should be able to do, do, do and do exactly what everyone else does and if you can’t then there’s something wrong with you.
That’s internalized ableism, of course we’ve all internalized toxic capitalism, toxic productivity that tells us that’s the most important. And that is where your worth and value lies. So that internalization that you’ve internalized from the world around you that we all have, that if you aren’t motivated, or a little behind, or need accommodations, or are struggling with mental health then it means you’re making excuses. What if that wasn’t true? What if that’s just an optional thought?
Even if your employer thought that, if you do not think that and you wholeheartedly do not agree, then you wouldn’t be as worried about telling your employer. I want you to think of something that you maybe would make a request of your employer that you a 100% believe is valid and a need, and even if they disagreed you wouldn’t waver because you have full belief. What is that? And it’s different for everyone because I’m about to give an example and I guarantee some of you will be like, “Oh my gosh, I don’t believe that.”
So just think about what it is for you. But for me if I was in a four day training with my employer and they had no break schedule, and they were saying, “You can’t go to the bathroom until it’s over.” I would have no problem just leaving to go to the bathroom or saying, “No, I need to go to the bathroom. There is no way I cannot go to the bathroom for four hours.” And if my employer disagreed or said, “You’re making excuses.” I’d be like, “You’re confused, and I disagree, and I’m going to do what I need to do.”
I don’t believe me going to the bathroom during a four hour training is making excuses even if my employer does. So why do you believe, why are you telling yourself even if it’s low key or subconscious that you are making excuses? What if you’re not? What if you are someone who needs additional support and there’s nothing wrong with that, doesn’t mean anything negative about you. It means you are human and what if it’s totally normal, what if it’s very common? What if lots of people have a similar experience?
There is some level of self-judgment here about the fact that you are behind, or you are struggling with motivation, or that you have mental health challenges right now, or that you have personal things going on. There’s some judgment you have about yourself that your brain is now kind of turning and instead of looking at the self-judgment is making it so they might judge me so let me avoid this. But the truth is it’s all self-judgment and that’s where the work needs to happen, so you don’t judge yourself, so you have your own back, so you trust yourself.
And listen, it makes sense that you might be struggling with this because we are socialized to. That’s where some of the deconditioning and undoing in this internalization is really, really important, to create self-trust and belief no matter what the world says. Because the truth is, for all you know you could tell your employer and they could be super empathetic and understanding.
I remember, I have told this a little bit before, many, many years ago when I was in my public health fellowship my mom unexpectedly got sick. And I chose to go take care of her. And I remember I was so nervous to tell my boss that, “Hey, I really need to be able to work remotely.” This was way before the pandemic when it really wasn’t common, “To take care of my mom.” And I totally probably at the time was worried what they’re going to think.
It turned out my employer, my boss was like, “I had a very similar situation in my early career, I had to take care of my dad. My boss let me work from home and it changed everything, it really helped me. I’m going to do that for you.” Your employer may or may not do something like that but I’m just pointing it out. Your brain just assumes that your employer’s going to think you’re making excuses and is not even looking at the other possibility. Now, we can’t predict or control what they’re going to say, I just want to point out, your brain’s only focusing on that.
And that is because you’re having self-judgment. That is kind of happening underneath. And that’s really where the work is. How can you love yourself unconditionally, trust yourself that you know what you need and not shame yourself or blame yourself, or make the fact that you’re struggling with mental health, or you are behind mean anything about you. There’s something you’re making it mean about yourself. That’s really where the work is. And you can totally do it. And that is a skill you want to have for the rest of your life.
Because we always are interacting with other people who may or may not have different opinions. And if we can show up to those experiences, having our own back, trusting ourself, not being mean to ourself, not making it mean terrible things about ourself. Then truly even if the other person disagrees, even if the other person thinks negative things about us, we have our own back to figure it out, whatever that means. Maybe it means leaving that job, maybe it means requesting a supervisor change.
Maybe it means finding your own accommodation. Maybe it means taking legal action. I’m not saying what you should do but when you trust yourself to have your own back then even when you face challenges where other people have different opinions, you can figure out what the next step is for you. And you don’t get stuck in kind of the self-shame and judgment.
Alright you all, so I know that was a lot. I’m now sweating. I just want to say again, I know that this has been very helpful for many of you. But we can go even deeper in one-on-one and to really get to those root causes and shift it. And here is the thing, this is so, so important. Today we talked about kind of job experiences, parenting experiences, decision experiences. Those thought patterns that you have in those different areas don’t just show up in those contexts, they show up across your life.
The way you think in work is the way you think in parenting, is the way you think in volunteering, is the way you think in your hobbies. So, when we do this work one-on-one to get to the root cause it doesn’t just create relief, and empowerment, and contentment, and fulfilment, and joy, and peace at work. That translates to home, to relationships, to the relationship with yourself, to hobbies, to creating the life you want. It truly is a ripple effect. That’s why this matters so much and that’s also why we work on getting to the root.
Because we can do the surface level stuff and you’ll feel a little bit better at work for a little bit, but it won’t last. Versus let’s go to the root, pull that out so then not only do you feel a lot better at work, but you feel better at home, and in your relationships, and your hobbies, and creating your life, the weed doesn’t grow across everywhere. And we get that root and pull it out and we replace it with what you want to grow, what you want to feel.
So, with that, if you’re interested, go to my website, there is a link in the show notes. Sign up to chat with me. I’d love to work with you and hear what you need support with. Alright, you all, with that, I’ll talk to you next week.
If you found this episode helpful then you have to check out my coaching program where I provide you individualized support to create a life centered around rest. Head on over to mckoolcoaching.com, that’s M-C-K-O-O-L coaching.com to learn more.
Well, hello, everyone. I’m so excited you’re here for this special Q&A episode. I’ve done this once before, you all loved it. And I asked some folks on Instagram who follow me, what questions they have. What coaching do they need? And I got so many amazing responses, this will probably have to be a two part episode. Partly because I got so many questions but also partly because we are in the middle of a heatwave in the Bay Area where I’m recording this.
I’m currently in my office that – let me set the scene. The windows, I have put pillows in and tacked an extra sheet on top underneath the actual cloth blinds. And normally I have a fan running but because I’m recording that, would be too noisy. And by the time I get done recording this I’m going to be sweating really bad. So, this can’t go on for too long because I think it’s about to be a 100 today. Yesterday was a 104. And if you’re not familiar with the Bay Area, particularly areas closer to the water and not as inland, we don’t have air conditioning because we didn’t really need it.
But with climate change and these heatwaves, there are times in the year where it gets really bad, actually for the first time ever, I have never done this. I guess the way you can rent out hotel rooms, vacant hotel rooms just for the day to work, not necessarily related to heat needs but when you’re traveling. So, I rented one, so after I record this I’m going to head there and get some much needed air conditioning because I don’t like the heat. Some people can handle it, it’s really not for me.
And also, I was supposed to record this episode last week and I actually did. So let me tell you how we got to where we are today. I’m recording this on a Tuesday. Well, last Friday I was supposed to record this episode. I got a lot done throughout the day and actually there was a couple of tasks that took me longer than I expected. And I was actually enjoying doing them. I was having fun. So, I think partly I didn’t just cut it off and be like, “Okay, this is good enough.” Not because I was worried it wasn’t good enough, but I was just having fun doing what I was doing.
So then by the end of the day my brain’s a little foggy. If I was really tuning into my body signals and respecting them I wouldn’t have tried to record this podcast last Friday. And I heard my body signals, I have gotten much better at that. I definitely have a tendency when I have in my mind, I’m sure many of you can relate, when I have an expectation in my mind that I’m going to get a task, or a certain number of tasks done within a period or day, and it turns out it’s taking me longer than expected. I really do struggle walking away with it unfinished.
Unpacking for example, if I think, if we move and I think it should take me a day to get this room unpacked and by the end of the day it’s halfway done. I really struggle walking away mostly because I’ve set this expectation up in my head that I should be able to get it done. And then I’m disappointed that I can’t, and I have this urge. And my brain tells me, oh my gosh, it would be so much better if you just get it done. You can do it, you’ll feel better tomorrow, you’ll feel better next week.
But when I tune into my body, usually my body’s saying, no, you can leave it. I’m tired. And so that happened Friday. I had this urge to get this podcast done and my brain was saying you’ll just feel so much better if you get it done and you don’t have to worry about it next week. And I did hear my body, I could tell I had some fogginess in my head and tiredness, but I didn’t listen to it. So, I recorded the podcast and to be honest it was a fine episode. I could put it out. I would say it’s maybe B work if we were grading it and you all would get a lot of good stuff out of it.
There are times and you’ve probably experienced this, and I have too where you push yourself, finish something when you don’t have the time, or you’re exhausted. And actually, it’s not great and you really do need to redo it. That never feels good. I could have easily put that podcast out. But part of the reason I wanted to rerecord is to tell this whole piece and kind of share a little bit, so you know your experience is not in isolation. But also share kind of what I ended up doing so you can learn from it.
One of the things that would really bother me in the past before I really worked on this was not only after I did the thing that I was too exhausted to do and made my day go way longer over the next whatever, day or two. My brain would constantly then criticize what I did. And it was like wait, do I not get a break here? First you’re telling me I have to get this done and push myself and overwork, and work past the time I set. But now I’ve done that and now you’re telling me it’s terrible and I have to do it again.
That’s when you know your brain’s not really telling you the truth. And that happened, my brain was saying that but here’s what I want to share. I did not listen to that part of my brain. I was finally able to catch under my brain and change the tune. So, I noticed my brain was telling me all Saturday, I don’t work weekends, very, very rarely. And if I do I flex out during the week. My brain was telling me, you just record it, it’ll take half an hour, an hour. And then you’ll feel so much better next week.
And I finally caught onto my brain, and I told my brain, no, we’re not doing that. We’re just going to do it next week. I’m making this decision. And I had it scheduled for Monday and moved it to Monday. Yesterday came, it was really hot, and I decided to move it to today. Today is Tuesday and I had no drama. My brain did not freak out. And that is because I made an active decision. So, I think what contributes to when our brain’s telling us we should overwork, should push ourselves is because we’re not making an active decision.
On Friday if I would have made the active decision, no, I’m going to do this Saturday, no, I’m going to do this Monday, my brain probably would have calmed down a little bit. But I didn’t, I wavered and I kind of just let my primitive brain, my urge brain, my reactive brain just kind of be the loudest voice in my head and not really take ownership and responsibility of making a decision. And once I did on Saturday, then even Monday when it came and I decided not to do it and move it, there was no drama. That is the power of this coaching work.
That really can change your experience both in work and in the times you’re not working so you can be present and enjoy your weekend, and be with your family, and do that hobby you want to enjoy. And give yourself grace to move your workload, to change your workload, to be flexible to what you need for rest. Because yesterday I was melting. I really needed more rest. And today I’m able to record this podcast early in the morning, which I couldn’t yesterday because I had a coaching client.
So, if you also struggle, you notice that urge, that reactivity to get it all done, you have a hard time ending a task midway through or stepping away from your computer, or not working on the weekends, or not just thinking, if your struggle is actually just thinking about cancelling what you should be doing or shouldn’t be doing. That is where coaching can really help. That’s what I’ve worked on a lot, and it still comes up but it’s such a different experience for me. And that’s what I help so many of my clients do. Truly that’s one of the main things I work on.
So, if you struggle with this, I want you to consider whether working together one-on-one more intensely would benefit you, would serve you and would be the right time for you right now. Sorry, that was a longwinded sidetrack, but I do think it’s related. Today we are going to do Q&A. And speaking of one-on-one coaching, I’m going to do the Q&A. I’m going to share the questions and then share my responses. And then I’m going to invite you to really consider joining my one-on-one coaching program because I love doing these Q&As.
Sometimes I do it on podcasts, sometimes I do it on my Instagram. If you’re not following me, get on over there, Public Health Coach, give me a follow, or LinkedIn, or my emails. And I love doing these but it’s important to acknowledge when we do these Q&As, I don’t have the whole picture. I don’t have all the context of course because the platform to ask a question, there’s not as many, the word count is smaller. Also, maybe you don’t want to write the whole context to be read on a public podcast, totally get it.
But there are some, I can do a good amount of coaching and you can learn, and others can learn from these Q&A episodes. I 100% believe that. But we can go so much deeper in a one-on-one coaching situation where it’s just you and me. I can understand the context more deeply. I can coach you more deeply. We can really get to the root and the crux. And not only that, we can really work and change your brain’s belief. And let you really get that aha moment that really shifts everything for you. That’s really the power of one-on-one coaching.
So, as we go through today and I share the questions, and I share the answers, if you find them helpful what I want you to think about is how much more helpful would it be if this was one-on-one, just you and me and we can go really deep. It would be tenfold, a hundredfold deeper and more impactful to work one-on-one. So, I want you to consider that.
So, the first question is, knowing when to make a ‘big decision’ for your organization, my board trusts me but I’m afraid to make the wrong choice. Okay, why are you afraid to make the wrong choice? What in your mind would happen if you made the ‘wrong choice’ what are you afraid is going to happen? What is the worst case scenario your brain is playing out? Now, again I don’t have all the context, so I don’t really know. And I can’t really necessarily give an example specific to this question asker’s context.
But let’s just say hypothetically in your mind the worst case scenario is you make a choice and then it ends up being that money is used in a way that’s not really productive or helpful, or people get upset, or you lose funding, or you lose staff. Maybe that’s where your brain is going, maybe somewhere else but what is the worst case scenario, play that all the way out. What are you really afraid of if that happens? If you make a decision and you lose funding, we’ll just use that as an example, what are you scared of happening?
Probably one of the pieces is what others will think and how they’ll react. If you think your board trusts you now but you make the ‘wrong decision,’ you’re probably afraid of what they’re going to think about you. If they’re going to think you’re irresponsible, or that they shouldn’t have trust in you, are they going to react by firing you or yelling at you? Then if that happens what will you say to yourself? So often when we are afraid of a future scenario our brain just takes us to the beginning point and we don’t play it all the way out.
So, if you make the ‘wrong choice’ and something happens, and everyone’s mad at you, then what? Go that extra step in your mind. What are you afraid you are going to say to yourself? What are you afraid you are going to feel? Is it shame? Is it guilt? Are you going to be telling yourself, I’m a fuck up, I shouldn’t have done that, you can’t trust yourself, you’ll never get a job? What would be happening in your mind and in your emotions? Because here’s the thing, there’s no such thing as a right or wrong choice. It's a 100% subjective.
You can make a decision and even if it results in let’s say loss of funding and your board has thoughts that you’re irresponsible. And let’s even go to the worst case scenario in some ways of let’s say you get fired. We could survey a 1,000 people, half of them might say, “Oh, yeah, that obviously was the wrong choice.” And half of them might say, “Oh, I don’t know. That might have been the right choice.” Truly, I know some of you are thinking, no. If I lost funding and I got fired, of course everyone would think it’s the wrong choice. But is that true?
How many experiences in your life at the time when you made them, or shortly after you thought it was the wrong choice and now years later you look back and you’re like, “Oh my gosh, that was absolutely the right choice. I’m so glad I did that.” Now, this is not to say I want you to gaslight yourself or silver-lining everything, or pretend everything’s fine if you feel like shit. No, I’m just pointing out that the idea there is a right or wrong choice is a 100% subjective.
And ultimately what you are afraid of if you make a choice that you tell yourself is wrong, you’re just afraid of what you’re going to say to yourself. I made the wrong choice. That’s just a thought, that’s not a fact. You’re afraid of what you’re going to say to yourself and how you’re going to feel. Because let’s say you had your back 100%, you knew you weren’t going to be an asshole to yourself, even if something happens and your board thinks you’re irresponsible or people get mad at you, or you get fired.
If you 100% have your own back and you’re not an asshole to yourself then what would the fear be about? If you knew you would trust yourself, you would have your own back, you’d figure it out, you wouldn’t be a jerk to yourself. Then if other people have different opinions or are upset then what are you afraid of? And I want you to consider just given the way you wrote this question, I bet your brain is often playing what you think is the worst case scenario or what could go wrong. How often are you playing out the best case scenario or what could go right?
When I ask my one-on-one clients this, typically they go, “About 90% of the time I play out worst case scenario and 10% of the time I play out best case scenario.” That is part of what’s preventing you from making a choice in the first place or seeing that whether the choice is right or wrong is totally subjective. And it’s also preventing you from trusting yourself.
If your brain, if you’re letting your brain 90% of the time only think about the worst case scenario and what could go horribly wrong, and what you’ll feel, and what you’ll think, and what other people will do. And never thinking about how you might know what decision you feel like is best, how if something were to happen you didn’t like, you’d have your own back.
If you are thinking of the best case scenario, how things could turn out amazingly, how you would love the choice you make, how it would help everyone else, how other people might be happy with it, what would be different in your experience of making a decision? You said in here, my board trusts me, but you don’t trust you. That’s the problem here. Just because your board trusts you, why can’t you make a decision then? It’s because you don’t trust you.
If you trusted yourself a 100%, it wouldn’t really even matter what the board thought. You could trust yourself a 100% and the board cannot trust you and you’ve still got your own back, and move forward to make decisions. What’s preventing you from making a decision is that you’re not trusting yourself. And when I say trusting yourself I do not mean trust yourself to get it perfect. I mean trust yourself to make the best decision you can and then no matter what happens to have your own back and not be an asshole to yourself and believe you can figure it out and move forward.
Alright, I’m a little fiery this morning, you all. But I want you to take what I’m sharing and really chew on it and really think about it. For some of you who have never been in one-on-one coaching, if this is your question or this is very similar to something you’re struggling with, me providing this response which is much more maybe direct to your scenario than other episodes you might have listened to, might feel a little jarring. Your brain might be in reactivity mode, totally normal.
But I want you to drop into curiosity. How could this be true? How could this help me? And let it go on tumble dry in your brain, so you at least get the chance to explore it and then decide what you want to think rather than just be in reactivity and shut down. And also, as I read these questions maybe they aren’t a 100% specific to what you’re struggling with or the topic’s different. I still want you to tune into the answers because a lot of times this person for example who’s struggling with trusting themselves, maybe for them it’s in work with a ‘big decision.’
But maybe for you, you struggle trusting yourself in relationships, or in career choices. So, the answer, what I’m sharing, the coaching, the teaching might apply to you in a different area of your life.
Alright, next one. This person said, struggling with parenting teenagers. Since I’m in public health I know too much about risk/development and my kids just think I’m overreacting. Okay, the first thing I want to point out is that you believe where you say, I know too much about risk/development, you believe that’s a fact. You’re saying that as if you’re reporting the weather. But it’s not, that’s just a thought that you’re having.
This is really, really important to point out because when you believe it’s just a fact, just the truth from the universe, you know too much about risk and development, there is an undercurrent that is happening under that belief. Which is the sub belief that you can predict everything, or that you need to control everything, or you should control everything. And you’re not leaving room for the truth that there is a lot you don’t know. Everyone has to be careful in public health about this.
I have struggled with this too. I don’t have teenagers but in other areas. We’ve all struggled with this. When we work in a field, whether or not you’re an expert, you could be a researcher in [inaudible] development or you could work in tobacco control. It doesn’t really matter. We have a broader understanding of certain things in public health.
But when we take this home to the extent that we are telling ourselves it’s a fact that we know everything or know too much about something then we are not leaving space for the context in our own lives which is so, so important. And even if we were talking about scientific research, one of the, we could say flaws, that might be an extreme word, where a lot of scientific research is it doesn’t leave space for context in individual lives. The same with prevention programming.
And also, when you take this home believing it’s just a fact you are not leaving space for choice. You’re not leaving space for you to have an active choice which we’re going to talk about more in a second. But when you just go to, it’s a fact, I know too much, you cut off all the other potential choices you have and you just are like, “This is the only choice I have.” And then you feel stressed out when it’s not working. And you also in this context are cutting off choice that other people might have.
Your all kids have choice to some extent, teenagers. I’m not saying you let them run free and have no rules and have no boundaries. I’m not saying that at all. But they are also humans with their own opinions and perspectives and want their own choice. I’m not saying you give them their own choice all the time necessarily. But I just want you to see that when you have this belief and you think it’s a fact, you’re not leaving room for you or others to explore choice.
And you end up seeking low key, unconsciously perfection. It’s really, really important for you to acknowledge that that’s not a fact, I know too much about risk development. Even if we stepped out broader, we have to acknowledge there’s lots of things in science where for decades the scientific literature said one thing and then as technology advanced, as scientific approaches advance, as things change, that knowledge, that literature, those findings changed over time. We have to leave room for that.
That’s not to say, again, I want to be very clear, I’m not saying you have no rules and no boundaries, and you never think about your knowledge and what you know to make decisions in your household. But do not go to the extreme, where you don’t have space for yourself or anyone else to kind of explore what works best for you and your parenting, and for you with your family. That’s really important.
Okay, the other thing I want to say, there are a couple of options here. This first one you’re probably not going to like or want to hear but it’s so, so important you give yourself space to truly see this as an option which is you can stop doing whatever it is you’re doing that your kids think you’re overacting about. Now, you didn’t share the context, so I don’t know. But I’m just going to throw out an example. Let’s say you have location sharing on your phone so you can see where they are. Maybe that’s one of the things they think you’re overreacting about.
You have the option to stop doing that. Now, I’m not saying you should, or you have to, I’m saying it’s really important you explore that option, see it as a true option and give yourself space to explore it. You probably want to just shut that down. No, not an option, I know too much about risk and development. You’re shutting off exploring different options. And there’s a couple of reasons why it’s really important. Because when you don’t give yourself space to explore that, you’re not truly making a conscious and active decision.
You’re basically saying, I only have one choice and then you get really frustrated when it’s not going the way you think it should. When you look at all the options and then consciously and actively decide which one you’re going to do, even if that choice you make is challenging, it won’t be as difficult and the challenges that come up you’ll be able to face differently because you know, you went through the process of making that choice on purpose. And you’re not denying there are other options that in some respects might be easier and might be harder in others.
Here's the other thing, when you shut off looking at the other options and just saying, “That’s not viable, that’s not an option.” You’re missing out on where you could see nuance, even if you explored this option and decided, no, this is not it. You might learn some stuff from exploring this option. You might figure out a third option. Okay, this option is not really going to work for me, but you know what, I’ve got this idea. Maybe we can do this. Maybe we can meet in the middle. You’re missing out on so much that might help you.
Give yourself space to get clearer on what you think about the option of stop doing whatever it is you’re doing, your kids are overreacting about. If you took that, if you did that and stopped doing whatever it is you’re doing, what would come up for you? What emotions would come up, would it be fear? Would it be shame? Would it be guilt? Would it be worry? That is ultimately what you’re trying to avoid. Obviously you’re trying to keep your kids safe, I get that.
But the emotional piece underneath is you’re trying to avoid feeling whatever that feeling is. And that’s the root of what you need to work on. Just because you still let’s say have location sharing on the phone, and you don’t take it off, it doesn’t mean those emotions of fear or shame just went away. Those are still there because they’re created by some thoughts you’re thinking, whether consciously or subconsciously. Maybe that your kid are going to get in trouble, or your kids are in danger, or that you’re not being a good parent and whatever it is. That is the root.
Let’s talk about public health. We know that you have to get to the root cause and address that. And your root cause of what you’re struggling with and why it’s so challenging when your kids think you’re overreacting is actually because you’re not processing, you’re not looking at, you’re not addressing the emotions you’re avoiding and what thoughts you’re thinking that create those emotions, the catastrophizing, the self-shame, all of that. Again, I’m not saying you have to choose the option of stop doing whatever you’re doing.
But I really want to encourage you to explore that. That’s what we would do in one-on-one, and it would be so, so important. Because ultimately what you’re struggling with is really the emotional experience right now. Okay, here’s the other option. You could totally let your kids think you’re overreacting, and it not be a problem. I don’t know if your kids have verbatim said, “Hey, you’re overreacting.” Or they rolled their eyes and you assumed that that’s what they’re thinking.
But let’s just say they said it verbatim, why is that a problem? Why not let them just think that? I want you to really think about it. If we were in one-on-one coaching and I asked you, “Why is it a problem that they think you’re overreacting?” Your answer to that question would really help us get to the root of why you are struggling. Because they can totally think that, even say that to you, it doesn’t have to be a problem at all, doesn’t have to bother you at all, so right now why does it?
Is it because when they say that, in your head you get into a shame and blame game, in your head you make it mean they don’t respect you? In your head you make it mean you’re a bad parent? What is it and what is the emotion that comes up? Is it shame? Is it guilt? Is it frustration? That’s what needs to be addressed. You can totally get to a place where they even say that, it’s not a problem. You don’t have to agree with them. You don’t have to think it too, you can love them unconditionally and have no emotional suffering because of it.
You could get to a place where you don’t judge them for thinking that and you don’t judge yourself, you don’t make it mean anything about yourself as a parent. And you can still decide what you want to do. Listen, of course your kids think that, they are teenagers. Teens of parents with zero public health, or medical knowledge, or science knowledge think their parents are overreacting. Teens think their parents are overreacting from things like asking them to clean their room, to saying they can’t smoke e-cigarettes.
Of course, your kids are thinking you’re overreacting, so what? Why is that a problem? If you just expected it and accepted that they think that without judging them or yourself, then it doesn’t have to be a problem. There’s something there, there is a reason you think it’s a problem and that’s the root that needs to be addressed.
Okay, last one. I graduated with an MPH this year and started working right away. I’ve been struggling with my mental health due to personal reasons but I’m not sure how to communicate that to my new employer without sounding like I’m making excuses. I’ve been behind on work due to lack of motivation. Okay, this is what I’m really curious about. When you say, sound like I’m making excuses, why do you think it would sound like that?
I’m guessing in your mind, because you’ve been behind on work, you haven’t had motivation, even though you know some of that is a result of whatever mental health struggles you’re having. You still in your mind believe it would be making excuses. Truth is, even if your brain’s telling you you’re worried that your employer’s going to think you’re making excuses. It's really that you already think that. Why? Why do you think that? In a lot of ways, it can make sense because we are so socialized to believe that mental health needs don’t exist.
Mental health stigma has been around for a long time. And even though it’s getting better it still exists. And we internalize that stigma. We’re also socialized to believe you should always be able to have high productivity and get everything done no matter your experience. We’ve all internalized some level of ableism that says no matter your physical experience, no matter your mental experience, no matter your emotional experience, you should be able to do, do, do and do exactly what everyone else does and if you can’t then there’s something wrong with you.
That’s internalized ableism, of course we’ve all internalized toxic capitalism, toxic productivity that tells us that’s the most important. And that is where your worth and value lies. So that internalization that you’ve internalized from the world around you that we all have, that if you aren’t motivated, or a little behind, or need accommodations, or are struggling with mental health then it means you’re making excuses. What if that wasn’t true? What if that’s just an optional thought?
Even if your employer thought that, if you do not think that and you wholeheartedly do not agree, then you wouldn’t be as worried about telling your employer. I want you to think of something that you maybe would make a request of your employer that you a 100% believe is valid and a need, and even if they disagreed you wouldn’t waver because you have full belief. What is that? And it’s different for everyone because I’m about to give an example and I guarantee some of you will be like, “Oh my gosh, I don’t believe that.”
So just think about what it is for you. But for me if I was in a four day training with my employer and they had no break schedule, and they were saying, “You can’t go to the bathroom until it’s over.” I would have no problem just leaving to go to the bathroom or saying, “No, I need to go to the bathroom. There is no way I cannot go to the bathroom for four hours.” And if my employer disagreed or said, “You’re making excuses.” I’d be like, “You’re confused, and I disagree, and I’m going to do what I need to do.”
I don’t believe me going to the bathroom during a four hour training is making excuses even if my employer does. So why do you believe, why are you telling yourself even if it’s low key or subconscious that you are making excuses? What if you’re not? What if you are someone who needs additional support and there’s nothing wrong with that, doesn’t mean anything negative about you. It means you are human and what if it’s totally normal, what if it’s very common? What if lots of people have a similar experience?
There is some level of self-judgment here about the fact that you are behind, or you are struggling with motivation, or that you have mental health challenges right now, or that you have personal things going on. There’s some judgment you have about yourself that your brain is now kind of turning and instead of looking at the self-judgment is making it so they might judge me so let me avoid this. But the truth is it’s all self-judgment and that’s where the work needs to happen, so you don’t judge yourself, so you have your own back, so you trust yourself.
And listen, it makes sense that you might be struggling with this because we are socialized to. That’s where some of the deconditioning and undoing in this internalization is really, really important, to create self-trust and belief no matter what the world says. Because the truth is, for all you know you could tell your employer and they could be super empathetic and understanding.
I remember, I have told this a little bit before, many, many years ago when I was in my public health fellowship my mom unexpectedly got sick. And I chose to go take care of her. And I remember I was so nervous to tell my boss that, “Hey, I really need to be able to work remotely.” This was way before the pandemic when it really wasn’t common, “To take care of my mom.” And I totally probably at the time was worried what they’re going to think.
It turned out my employer, my boss was like, “I had a very similar situation in my early career, I had to take care of my dad. My boss let me work from home and it changed everything, it really helped me. I’m going to do that for you.” Your employer may or may not do something like that but I’m just pointing it out. Your brain just assumes that your employer’s going to think you’re making excuses and is not even looking at the other possibility. Now, we can’t predict or control what they’re going to say, I just want to point out, your brain’s only focusing on that.
And that is because you’re having self-judgment. That is kind of happening underneath. And that’s really where the work is. How can you love yourself unconditionally, trust yourself that you know what you need and not shame yourself or blame yourself, or make the fact that you’re struggling with mental health, or you are behind mean anything about you. There’s something you’re making it mean about yourself. That’s really where the work is. And you can totally do it. And that is a skill you want to have for the rest of your life.
Because we always are interacting with other people who may or may not have different opinions. And if we can show up to those experiences, having our own back, trusting ourself, not being mean to ourself, not making it mean terrible things about ourself. Then truly even if the other person disagrees, even if the other person thinks negative things about us, we have our own back to figure it out, whatever that means. Maybe it means leaving that job, maybe it means requesting a supervisor change.
Maybe it means finding your own accommodation. Maybe it means taking legal action. I’m not saying what you should do but when you trust yourself to have your own back then even when you face challenges where other people have different opinions, you can figure out what the next step is for you. And you don’t get stuck in kind of the self-shame and judgment.
Alright you all, so I know that was a lot. I’m now sweating. I just want to say again, I know that this has been very helpful for many of you. But we can go even deeper in one-on-one and to really get to those root causes and shift it. And here is the thing, this is so, so important. Today we talked about kind of job experiences, parenting experiences, decision experiences. Those thought patterns that you have in those different areas don’t just show up in those contexts, they show up across your life.
The way you think in work is the way you think in parenting, is the way you think in volunteering, is the way you think in your hobbies. So, when we do this work one-on-one to get to the root cause it doesn’t just create relief, and empowerment, and contentment, and fulfilment, and joy, and peace at work. That translates to home, to relationships, to the relationship with yourself, to hobbies, to creating the life you want. It truly is a ripple effect. That’s why this matters so much and that’s also why we work on getting to the root.
Because we can do the surface level stuff and you’ll feel a little bit better at work for a little bit, but it won’t last. Versus let’s go to the root, pull that out so then not only do you feel a lot better at work, but you feel better at home, and in your relationships, and your hobbies, and creating your life, the weed doesn’t grow across everywhere. And we get that root and pull it out and we replace it with what you want to grow, what you want to feel.
So, with that, if you’re interested, go to my website, there is a link in the show notes. Sign up to chat with me. I’d love to work with you and hear what you need support with. Alright, you all, with that, I’ll talk to you next week.
If you found this episode helpful then you have to check out my coaching program where I provide you individualized support to create a life centered around rest. Head on over to mckoolcoaching.com, that’s M-C-K-O-O-L coaching.com to learn more.
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