78. Listener Q&A: Doing it Wrong, Saying No, & Achieving Goals
Oftentimes, the biggest challenge we face with solving a problem or finding a solution is that we are asking the wrong questions. Our brains will find an answer, whether it’s helpful for us or not, but there is a more useful skill to have: asking yourself powerful questions that will send you in the direction of finding more useful answers.
I’m back this week with part 2 of our listener Q&A, where I’m sharing and answering more questions from our listeners. With these questions, many of my responses are prompting you to think about certain other questions you can ask yourself and consider other perspectives you can take on your situation.
Join me this week and learn what to do if someone is telling you you’re doing it wrong, and why it is perfectly OK to allow other people to be wrong about you. I’m showing you what to do if you have a problem with boundaries or saying no to people, and what could be holding you back from taking the next step to achieving your goals.
If you want to take this work deeper and learn the tools and skills to feel better, all while having my support and guidance each step of the way, I invite you to set up a time to chat with me. Click here to grab a spot on my calendar and I can’t wait to speak to you!
Coming soon! New Course: How the Patriarchy Robs You of Your Rest (And how to get it back!). Join the waitlist to be the first to know when this course is out!
What You Will Discover:
Why it is OK to let other people be wrong about you.
The real reason it bothers you if someone tells you you’re doing it wrong.
Why saying no could potentially serve everybody involved.
How to start asking yourself more powerful questions about what you are thinking and feeling.
The reason you are struggling to say no to other people.
How to get deeper to the thought pattern that is preventing you from achieving your goals or getting rest.
The power of one-on-one coaching.
Resources:
Join the waitlist to be the first to know when my new course: How the Patriarchy Robs You of Your Rest (And how to get it back!) is out.
Sign up for a Curiosity Call to find out if individual coaching can help you!
Follow me on Instagram!
Questions? Comments? I'd love to hear from you! Email me at info@mckoolcoaching.com
Join my weekly mailing list to get bonus free resources and coaching opportunities!
73. Listener Q&A - Big Decisions, Parenting Teens, & Communicating Mental Health Needs
Full Episode Transcript:
Hey, you all, I’m Marissa McKool, and you’re listening to the Redefining Rest Podcast for public health professionals. Here we believe rest is your right. You don’t have to earn it, you just have to learn how to take it and I’m going to teach you. Ready? Come along.
You all, we are back, we are back for part two of Listener Q&A. If you missed the first one, don't worry, you can always go back and check that out. Today I’m hoping to make this a quick and dirty episode because I have a meeting in about 40 minutes. So actually, we’re going to have to make it quick and dirty. I also want to say that with these questions especially today what you'll see is a lot of my response is going to be prompting you to think about certain questions.
Oftentimes one of the biggest challenges that we all face with solving a problem or finding a solution is we are asking the wrong question. Whatever question you ask your brain, it's going to go find an answer for you, whether or not that answer is helpful. So, what can be a really useful skill is to ask more powerful questions that send you in a direction to find more useful answers. So, if you're struggling with some of the topics I’m going to share about today I really want you to tune in to the questions I'm asking and really find the answer and get curious.
As always the question that I'm reading that someone has submitted, I asked this on Instagram Public Health Coach, a shameless plug, if you don’t follow me, come hang out. I asked folks who follow me what questions they have. And what they might be asking about contextually might sound different than what you’re struggling with. However, the answer itself actually might be useful. So, if someone’s asking about parenting, you might actually find the answer helpful for your relationship with your friend or your sibling.
So, the answer I give, the coaching I give can apply across so many different contexts. So don’t tune it out just because the question doesn’t sound like it’s something you’re dealing with particularly in that context because the answer can still be helpful. So, with that, let’s get into it.
The first question, how to graciously deal with/accept people taking a sudden interest in your topic area and then when you ask them for help they tell you you're doing it wrong. Repro person here, reproductive health person is, I'm guessing what they mean there. So, without more context, given the question, I would assume, and I could totally be wrong that this person is talking about a colleague, maybe not, maybe it’s a friend or family member.
But given they’re saying they took a sudden interest and then they asked them, the question asker, someone said, “Hey, I’m interested in repro health.” And then the repro health person went and asked them for help. And then that person said, “They’re doing it wrong,” makes me wonder if it’s a colleague. Anyways, nonetheless, so this person, you, I’m going to speak to you in the first person, you asked that person for help. You went and asked them for help and you probably conscious or not had expectations of the response.
You would get, one, that it would be helpful I’m guessing. Two, that maybe it would be positive in a way. You might have thought, okay, they’re really interested, they want to learn, and they have the skill, maybe they can help me. And you ask them a question and share your ideas, and then they tell you you’re doing it wrong. Your expectation was not met, you got a different response. Ultimately that is what you’re struggling with here. You mention how to graciously deal with or accept other people. And that is so curious to me, why graciously, what does that mean?
What are you worried they will think or what will happen? Because what I see as a coach is really the crux of what you’re struggling with is you had certain expectations that weren’t, I hesitate to say, met, because it’s not like you’re setting expectations for someone. You had an idea in your head of how it would go somewhat, and it did not go that way at all. And that’s what you’re struggling with, just accepting that which is a totally normal human experience.
Why are you struggling to accept that, that what you thought was going to happen didn’t happen, and that they told you, you were doing it wrong? Why is it a problem if they tell you, you are doing it wrong? You don’t have to agree with them. You don’t have to listen to them. So why is it a problem? Often when it bothers us that someone tells us we are doing something wrong it's because we aren’t a 100% in confidence with ourselves. So, I’ve shared before on the podcast, I’m vegan and I practice veganism in a way that many vegans do not.
When I travel internationally I eat vegetarian, I’ll eat dairy and eggs when I’m international. I am not always so strict about honey. Sometimes I eat products with honey in it particularly if there are no other options and I'm in an airport and I’m starving. There are a lot of vegans, maybe even some of you out there who would tell me I am doing it wrong, and I shouldn’t call myself a vegan. And if someone told me that it wouldn't bother me at all. I wouldn't try to convince them otherwise, I would totally let them be wrong about me. It would not be a problem.
So, what is it for you here, why are you struggling to let them be wrong about you, or your work, or your approach? And here's the other thing I’ll offer. The way I’m talking about this is the assumption that they are wrong. But sometimes also what happens, because we have this idea of the response we might get, and then we get a different response where they might say you’re doing it wrong and then we shut down and we maybe want to shut them out.
And there’s no room for curiosity from learning. I’m not saying they are right, but you don’t even get to actively explore that. Maybe you could learn something, again I’m not saying they’re right, maybe you’ll learn something about yourself. Maybe you’ll learn something about the process. Maybe you’ve got a totally different idea that has nothing to do with them, but it prompted you by that curiosity. So that’s what I’m going to leave you. I know there’s a lot of questions, but I want you to do this internal reflection and work.
Okay, question number two, tips for saying no. The reason I don’t have much rest is because I don't put any boundaries in with work. But how do you say no or not answer clients when they are pinging you when you’ve logged off etc.? I don’t know how to say no. Okay, number one, you are totally not alone. I think everyone in public health struggles with this. I do have two episodes that go much deeper on this that I highly, highly encourage you to listen to after this, and anyone else struggling with this.
I have an episode on setting work boundaries in public health, that’s episode 45. And I have a podcast episode on the reason why saying no feels hard, that’s episode 69. So, I really, really encourage you to listen to both of those because I go into way more detail. But I’ll give a little brief overview and a high level response. So, without more context I'm just going to go with an example of you’re not answering clients questions. You truly logoff email, Slack, whenever and you don't check, and you don't respond.
Or let’s say they call, you don’t answer calls or call back. And let’s just assume that client is going to call, is going to email, is going to ping you, is going to Slack, why is that a problem? You can totally let them email you, or call you, or Slack you and wait till the next day to get back to them. There is a reason you think you can't, what is that reason? What are you making it mean about you if you don't respond, if you do say no? And by saying no that can be a no where you are not responding. Or it can be a no where you say, “I'm not going to be checking emails after 5:00pm.”
If you say that and communicate that, you have to assume they're still going to contact you. Saying no and setting a boundary is not for the other person to change. It’s not for them to change their behaviors, it's for you. When you say no, when you set a boundary, when you decide I’m not going to check emails after 5:00pm, it is not the responsibility of your client to stop emailing you. It is your responsibility to not check the email and to not respond. And the question is, why are you struggling doing that? And why are you struggling with the behavior change?
Is it because you're making it mean, well, then I wouldn’t be doing a good job, or I might get fired or I’m causing them harm, it’s making it harder for them? Most often if you aren’t saying no, it's because you are worried about what others will think but ultimately under that what you will think. What is it that you’re worried they will think, and you will think? And actually, you’re thinking it right now and you’re not even saying no and getting rest, and setting boundaries.
Because the truth is saying no could potentially serve everyone involved. Let’s just say this client is a community partner, how could it be of service to them for you to not always be available? Could it help them build resourcefulness and trust themselves? And could it help them see a model of getting rest, and saying no, and setting boundaries so that they can do it? Let’s say this client, you’re on a consult and this is a client, whether it’s individual or company that you’re getting paid on a contract or something for.
How can you sticking to your no actually make the work itself the final end product, whatever you’re delivering to them, better? How can it make the process more efficient? Those are just two examples. But right now, you probably can’t even see that, or if you do, embrace it because you are so focused on what you think saying no and setting boundaries, and not contacting back means about you. We don’t know what that is. That’s for you to figure out.
If you have a coach, bring it to your coach or to me if you end up deciding to work with me because then you can go deeper one-on-one. But you can do this exploration and see what's under there yourself. Because what if didn’t mean anything? What if you could trust yourself even if someone else disagrees and thinks you should be responding, or gets upset that you aren’t responding? What if you could trust yourself? That’s ultimately the key that’s missing here.
So, anyone struggling with this, I want you to go back and listen to episode 45 on setting boundaries, and episode 69 on why saying no feels hard. So, you can go deeper here.
Okay, last question, I’m struggling with getting a job. I’m a new public health grad with little public health job experience due to COVID. Is it normal to have difficulty with going straight into the public health field from undergrad? Okay, I always, always, always say this especially to students or new grads. So many of you tell me, “I have little to no experience,” as if that is a fact, as if you are reporting the weather. That's not fact, I know you believe it's a fact but it’s not. that’s just a thought you have, it’s not a fact.
How could that belief, I have little to no experience actually be not true? When you tell it to yourself as if it's a fact then you do not spend any energy trying to find out how that's not true. We know everything is public health and public health is everything. So how is it possible that you actually have more experience than you believe, or letting on, or giving yourself credit for? You have lived experience for sure, you have educational experience, you might have non-paid experience.
You just have to believe that is important, and valuable, and contributed to your knowledge and skills and is going to contribute to the jobs you're applying to. And then you have to tell that story whether it’s in your cover letter or an interview. Tell that story of how that experience is public health, how it contributed to your development, your career development, your skills, your knowledge. How that would contribute to the organization you’re applying for, the job you’d be going into. That is always number one.
I always say to all of you students or recent grads who tell yourself you have little to no experience. Your brain is probably lying to you. Okay, so the second thing, you asked, “Is it normal?” I’m putting that in quotes as I talk. When you say, “Is it normal,” for anything, that’s a little bit of a tell. That means you want to feel relief, most often, this is not absolute, but most often. You want to know if it’s ‘normal’ so you can feel better, so you can stop wondering, is it just me, is something wrong with me? Is everyone else able to do this? Is this easy for everyone else?
You’re worried that you’re the only one, you’re the outlier, something’s wrong with you, you’re missing something, everyone else has an edge. And there are people who ask very similar questions. Is it normal to struggle moving to your second job from your first? Is it normal to struggle to get into DrPH programs? Is it normal to struggle finding a leadership role after working for 10 years?
Everyone asking those types of questions only wants to know if it’s ‘normal’ to feel a certain way, whether that’s to feel relief, or calm, or confident again, or hopeful again and to eliminate some current feeling you’re having. Whether you’re currently feeling worry, or shame. When you are spending time wondering if it's ‘normal,’ worried if you’re the outlier, how do you show up when you look for jobs, when you apply, when you write a cover letter, when you do interviews, when you do networking?
You’re probably not showing up as confident, and secure, and hopeful, and excited. You’re probably showing up with some underlying anxiety or insecurity. And then how does that impact the actions you take, how you speak about yourself, how you write about yourself, how you put yourself out there, how you engage, how you connect with other people?
What matters is the emotion you’re generating to go after any goal you have whether it's to get a job, or to start a business, or to find a partner or anything else, no matter where you are in your career, no matter your age, no matter anything else. A better question than is it normal is how can I create confidence in myself? What emotion do I want to feel going into this interview? How can I generate hope and believe that my goal is possible and I’m going to achieve it? How can I stay committed to this goal?
Those questions, and you can generate even more, can help you create the emotion you want to feel going into interviews, networking, writing a cover letter, searching for jobs, for you to achieve your goal. Because the emotion you’re feeling drives your actions and how you take those actions. And it can be very subtle and nuanced, but it's so, so important. Do you want to be in an interview showing up with underlying shame, or doubt in yourself, or hope and belief? It’s going to make a huge difference how you show up?
So, no matter what your goal is, all you listening, focus on how you are feeling and how you can adjust how you’re feeling to change how you show up so you can move towards your goal.
Alright everyone, that’s all I have for you today. I know that was quicker than normal. But I hope you start asking yourself more powerful questions about what you’re feeling, about what you’re thinking, asking yourself why. So, you can start to reflect and get deeper to the root thought pattern that's really preventing you from achieving your goals, or doing what you want, or getting rest.
And here’s the thing, I love these Q&A episodes. I love doing Q&A at workshops. I love having this dialog, it’s so helpful. I know so many people benefit from this and also we cannot go as deep as if were in a one-on-one. That's just true. Maybe if we had an ongoing back and forth, but that is what one-on-one is for. A lot of this work, what happens is you think that either (a) the problem is something it’s not, so you're trying to solve for the wrong problem and you're spending a lot of time, and energy, and effort working towards a solution that is not the right solution because you're not really solving for the right problem.
Or (b) you kind of have an idea of the problem but you’re solving at the surface level and not at the root level. So, you can solve at the surface, but it doesn’t matter if the root level issue’s still there then it’s going to keep coming up. And that’s where diving deep and going one-on-one can be really, really helpful. You can do a lot of this work on your own and you can get a lot of relief and a lot of movement. I did that when I listened to my coach’s podcast for a while.
And one-on-one can take it even further because we all have areas that we aren’t quite seeing in our own brains, because we’re living in our brain. So having an outside person who’s able to support you, and hold space for you, and be non-judgmental, and facilitate, and co-create the coaching experience together. Who can also point out things in your brain you might not be seeing, patterns you’re not aware of, thoughts that might be lurking underneath that are really creating the challenge.
And so many other things can be so much more useful to actually resolving completely what you’re struggling with. And then creating the result you actually want. And in one-on-one coaching then the other great thing is you get worksheets, and kind of practice activities to take it even further. So, it really goes deep and has a huge impact not just in work but across areas of your life because the way we think and show up in one area is how we do in all areas. If I'm worried in job interviews and finding a job, that I’m an outlier, that I’m the only one who can’t figure it out.
And I’m showing up in doubt and insecurity I probably have that same thought pattern even if I have a job, in that job. I might have that same thought pattern in creating friendships. I might have that same thought pattern in going after a goal like running a marathon. The way we think in one area is the way we think in lots of areas. So, diving deep in one specific area like work or rest, not only resolves that there but then it has a ripple effect across so many other areas of your life.
So, it doesn't just relieve some of the shame, and anxiety, and worry from finding a job, but it does from making friends, from going for that marathon, from so many other things. So that is the power of one-on-one coaching. So, if you found the Q&A helpful, I really encourage you to reach out to me and we can chat about one-on-one coaching and see if it's a good fit for you.
And then we can dive deeper so you can really get more rest, create more confidence and belief, get rid of the worry, get rid of the stress, finally feel peaceful and present in your life, and excited, and going for big goals and whatever else you want to do. With that you all, I’m going to leave you. I hope you have a great, great week, talk to you next week.
If you found this episode helpful then you have to check out my coaching program where I provide you individualized support to create a life centered around rest. Head on over to mckoolcoaching.com, that’s M-C-K-O-O-L coaching.com to learn more.
You all, we are back, we are back for part two of Listener Q&A. If you missed the first one, don't worry, you can always go back and check that out. Today I’m hoping to make this a quick and dirty episode because I have a meeting in about 40 minutes. So actually, we’re going to have to make it quick and dirty. I also want to say that with these questions especially today what you'll see is a lot of my response is going to be prompting you to think about certain questions.
Oftentimes one of the biggest challenges that we all face with solving a problem or finding a solution is we are asking the wrong question. Whatever question you ask your brain, it's going to go find an answer for you, whether or not that answer is helpful. So, what can be a really useful skill is to ask more powerful questions that send you in a direction to find more useful answers. So, if you're struggling with some of the topics I’m going to share about today I really want you to tune in to the questions I'm asking and really find the answer and get curious.
As always the question that I'm reading that someone has submitted, I asked this on Instagram Public Health Coach, a shameless plug, if you don’t follow me, come hang out. I asked folks who follow me what questions they have. And what they might be asking about contextually might sound different than what you’re struggling with. However, the answer itself actually might be useful. So, if someone’s asking about parenting, you might actually find the answer helpful for your relationship with your friend or your sibling.
So, the answer I give, the coaching I give can apply across so many different contexts. So don’t tune it out just because the question doesn’t sound like it’s something you’re dealing with particularly in that context because the answer can still be helpful. So, with that, let’s get into it.
The first question, how to graciously deal with/accept people taking a sudden interest in your topic area and then when you ask them for help they tell you you're doing it wrong. Repro person here, reproductive health person is, I'm guessing what they mean there. So, without more context, given the question, I would assume, and I could totally be wrong that this person is talking about a colleague, maybe not, maybe it’s a friend or family member.
But given they’re saying they took a sudden interest and then they asked them, the question asker, someone said, “Hey, I’m interested in repro health.” And then the repro health person went and asked them for help. And then that person said, “They’re doing it wrong,” makes me wonder if it’s a colleague. Anyways, nonetheless, so this person, you, I’m going to speak to you in the first person, you asked that person for help. You went and asked them for help and you probably conscious or not had expectations of the response.
You would get, one, that it would be helpful I’m guessing. Two, that maybe it would be positive in a way. You might have thought, okay, they’re really interested, they want to learn, and they have the skill, maybe they can help me. And you ask them a question and share your ideas, and then they tell you you’re doing it wrong. Your expectation was not met, you got a different response. Ultimately that is what you’re struggling with here. You mention how to graciously deal with or accept other people. And that is so curious to me, why graciously, what does that mean?
What are you worried they will think or what will happen? Because what I see as a coach is really the crux of what you’re struggling with is you had certain expectations that weren’t, I hesitate to say, met, because it’s not like you’re setting expectations for someone. You had an idea in your head of how it would go somewhat, and it did not go that way at all. And that’s what you’re struggling with, just accepting that which is a totally normal human experience.
Why are you struggling to accept that, that what you thought was going to happen didn’t happen, and that they told you, you were doing it wrong? Why is it a problem if they tell you, you are doing it wrong? You don’t have to agree with them. You don’t have to listen to them. So why is it a problem? Often when it bothers us that someone tells us we are doing something wrong it's because we aren’t a 100% in confidence with ourselves. So, I’ve shared before on the podcast, I’m vegan and I practice veganism in a way that many vegans do not.
When I travel internationally I eat vegetarian, I’ll eat dairy and eggs when I’m international. I am not always so strict about honey. Sometimes I eat products with honey in it particularly if there are no other options and I'm in an airport and I’m starving. There are a lot of vegans, maybe even some of you out there who would tell me I am doing it wrong, and I shouldn’t call myself a vegan. And if someone told me that it wouldn't bother me at all. I wouldn't try to convince them otherwise, I would totally let them be wrong about me. It would not be a problem.
So, what is it for you here, why are you struggling to let them be wrong about you, or your work, or your approach? And here's the other thing I’ll offer. The way I’m talking about this is the assumption that they are wrong. But sometimes also what happens, because we have this idea of the response we might get, and then we get a different response where they might say you’re doing it wrong and then we shut down and we maybe want to shut them out.
And there’s no room for curiosity from learning. I’m not saying they are right, but you don’t even get to actively explore that. Maybe you could learn something, again I’m not saying they’re right, maybe you’ll learn something about yourself. Maybe you’ll learn something about the process. Maybe you’ve got a totally different idea that has nothing to do with them, but it prompted you by that curiosity. So that’s what I’m going to leave you. I know there’s a lot of questions, but I want you to do this internal reflection and work.
Okay, question number two, tips for saying no. The reason I don’t have much rest is because I don't put any boundaries in with work. But how do you say no or not answer clients when they are pinging you when you’ve logged off etc.? I don’t know how to say no. Okay, number one, you are totally not alone. I think everyone in public health struggles with this. I do have two episodes that go much deeper on this that I highly, highly encourage you to listen to after this, and anyone else struggling with this.
I have an episode on setting work boundaries in public health, that’s episode 45. And I have a podcast episode on the reason why saying no feels hard, that’s episode 69. So, I really, really encourage you to listen to both of those because I go into way more detail. But I’ll give a little brief overview and a high level response. So, without more context I'm just going to go with an example of you’re not answering clients questions. You truly logoff email, Slack, whenever and you don't check, and you don't respond.
Or let’s say they call, you don’t answer calls or call back. And let’s just assume that client is going to call, is going to email, is going to ping you, is going to Slack, why is that a problem? You can totally let them email you, or call you, or Slack you and wait till the next day to get back to them. There is a reason you think you can't, what is that reason? What are you making it mean about you if you don't respond, if you do say no? And by saying no that can be a no where you are not responding. Or it can be a no where you say, “I'm not going to be checking emails after 5:00pm.”
If you say that and communicate that, you have to assume they're still going to contact you. Saying no and setting a boundary is not for the other person to change. It’s not for them to change their behaviors, it's for you. When you say no, when you set a boundary, when you decide I’m not going to check emails after 5:00pm, it is not the responsibility of your client to stop emailing you. It is your responsibility to not check the email and to not respond. And the question is, why are you struggling doing that? And why are you struggling with the behavior change?
Is it because you're making it mean, well, then I wouldn’t be doing a good job, or I might get fired or I’m causing them harm, it’s making it harder for them? Most often if you aren’t saying no, it's because you are worried about what others will think but ultimately under that what you will think. What is it that you’re worried they will think, and you will think? And actually, you’re thinking it right now and you’re not even saying no and getting rest, and setting boundaries.
Because the truth is saying no could potentially serve everyone involved. Let’s just say this client is a community partner, how could it be of service to them for you to not always be available? Could it help them build resourcefulness and trust themselves? And could it help them see a model of getting rest, and saying no, and setting boundaries so that they can do it? Let’s say this client, you’re on a consult and this is a client, whether it’s individual or company that you’re getting paid on a contract or something for.
How can you sticking to your no actually make the work itself the final end product, whatever you’re delivering to them, better? How can it make the process more efficient? Those are just two examples. But right now, you probably can’t even see that, or if you do, embrace it because you are so focused on what you think saying no and setting boundaries, and not contacting back means about you. We don’t know what that is. That’s for you to figure out.
If you have a coach, bring it to your coach or to me if you end up deciding to work with me because then you can go deeper one-on-one. But you can do this exploration and see what's under there yourself. Because what if didn’t mean anything? What if you could trust yourself even if someone else disagrees and thinks you should be responding, or gets upset that you aren’t responding? What if you could trust yourself? That’s ultimately the key that’s missing here.
So, anyone struggling with this, I want you to go back and listen to episode 45 on setting boundaries, and episode 69 on why saying no feels hard. So, you can go deeper here.
Okay, last question, I’m struggling with getting a job. I’m a new public health grad with little public health job experience due to COVID. Is it normal to have difficulty with going straight into the public health field from undergrad? Okay, I always, always, always say this especially to students or new grads. So many of you tell me, “I have little to no experience,” as if that is a fact, as if you are reporting the weather. That's not fact, I know you believe it's a fact but it’s not. that’s just a thought you have, it’s not a fact.
How could that belief, I have little to no experience actually be not true? When you tell it to yourself as if it's a fact then you do not spend any energy trying to find out how that's not true. We know everything is public health and public health is everything. So how is it possible that you actually have more experience than you believe, or letting on, or giving yourself credit for? You have lived experience for sure, you have educational experience, you might have non-paid experience.
You just have to believe that is important, and valuable, and contributed to your knowledge and skills and is going to contribute to the jobs you're applying to. And then you have to tell that story whether it’s in your cover letter or an interview. Tell that story of how that experience is public health, how it contributed to your development, your career development, your skills, your knowledge. How that would contribute to the organization you’re applying for, the job you’d be going into. That is always number one.
I always say to all of you students or recent grads who tell yourself you have little to no experience. Your brain is probably lying to you. Okay, so the second thing, you asked, “Is it normal?” I’m putting that in quotes as I talk. When you say, “Is it normal,” for anything, that’s a little bit of a tell. That means you want to feel relief, most often, this is not absolute, but most often. You want to know if it’s ‘normal’ so you can feel better, so you can stop wondering, is it just me, is something wrong with me? Is everyone else able to do this? Is this easy for everyone else?
You’re worried that you’re the only one, you’re the outlier, something’s wrong with you, you’re missing something, everyone else has an edge. And there are people who ask very similar questions. Is it normal to struggle moving to your second job from your first? Is it normal to struggle to get into DrPH programs? Is it normal to struggle finding a leadership role after working for 10 years?
Everyone asking those types of questions only wants to know if it’s ‘normal’ to feel a certain way, whether that’s to feel relief, or calm, or confident again, or hopeful again and to eliminate some current feeling you’re having. Whether you’re currently feeling worry, or shame. When you are spending time wondering if it's ‘normal,’ worried if you’re the outlier, how do you show up when you look for jobs, when you apply, when you write a cover letter, when you do interviews, when you do networking?
You’re probably not showing up as confident, and secure, and hopeful, and excited. You’re probably showing up with some underlying anxiety or insecurity. And then how does that impact the actions you take, how you speak about yourself, how you write about yourself, how you put yourself out there, how you engage, how you connect with other people?
What matters is the emotion you’re generating to go after any goal you have whether it's to get a job, or to start a business, or to find a partner or anything else, no matter where you are in your career, no matter your age, no matter anything else. A better question than is it normal is how can I create confidence in myself? What emotion do I want to feel going into this interview? How can I generate hope and believe that my goal is possible and I’m going to achieve it? How can I stay committed to this goal?
Those questions, and you can generate even more, can help you create the emotion you want to feel going into interviews, networking, writing a cover letter, searching for jobs, for you to achieve your goal. Because the emotion you’re feeling drives your actions and how you take those actions. And it can be very subtle and nuanced, but it's so, so important. Do you want to be in an interview showing up with underlying shame, or doubt in yourself, or hope and belief? It’s going to make a huge difference how you show up?
So, no matter what your goal is, all you listening, focus on how you are feeling and how you can adjust how you’re feeling to change how you show up so you can move towards your goal.
Alright everyone, that’s all I have for you today. I know that was quicker than normal. But I hope you start asking yourself more powerful questions about what you’re feeling, about what you’re thinking, asking yourself why. So, you can start to reflect and get deeper to the root thought pattern that's really preventing you from achieving your goals, or doing what you want, or getting rest.
And here’s the thing, I love these Q&A episodes. I love doing Q&A at workshops. I love having this dialog, it’s so helpful. I know so many people benefit from this and also we cannot go as deep as if were in a one-on-one. That's just true. Maybe if we had an ongoing back and forth, but that is what one-on-one is for. A lot of this work, what happens is you think that either (a) the problem is something it’s not, so you're trying to solve for the wrong problem and you're spending a lot of time, and energy, and effort working towards a solution that is not the right solution because you're not really solving for the right problem.
Or (b) you kind of have an idea of the problem but you’re solving at the surface level and not at the root level. So, you can solve at the surface, but it doesn’t matter if the root level issue’s still there then it’s going to keep coming up. And that’s where diving deep and going one-on-one can be really, really helpful. You can do a lot of this work on your own and you can get a lot of relief and a lot of movement. I did that when I listened to my coach’s podcast for a while.
And one-on-one can take it even further because we all have areas that we aren’t quite seeing in our own brains, because we’re living in our brain. So having an outside person who’s able to support you, and hold space for you, and be non-judgmental, and facilitate, and co-create the coaching experience together. Who can also point out things in your brain you might not be seeing, patterns you’re not aware of, thoughts that might be lurking underneath that are really creating the challenge.
And so many other things can be so much more useful to actually resolving completely what you’re struggling with. And then creating the result you actually want. And in one-on-one coaching then the other great thing is you get worksheets, and kind of practice activities to take it even further. So, it really goes deep and has a huge impact not just in work but across areas of your life because the way we think and show up in one area is how we do in all areas. If I'm worried in job interviews and finding a job, that I’m an outlier, that I’m the only one who can’t figure it out.
And I’m showing up in doubt and insecurity I probably have that same thought pattern even if I have a job, in that job. I might have that same thought pattern in creating friendships. I might have that same thought pattern in going after a goal like running a marathon. The way we think in one area is the way we think in lots of areas. So, diving deep in one specific area like work or rest, not only resolves that there but then it has a ripple effect across so many other areas of your life.
So, it doesn't just relieve some of the shame, and anxiety, and worry from finding a job, but it does from making friends, from going for that marathon, from so many other things. So that is the power of one-on-one coaching. So, if you found the Q&A helpful, I really encourage you to reach out to me and we can chat about one-on-one coaching and see if it's a good fit for you.
And then we can dive deeper so you can really get more rest, create more confidence and belief, get rid of the worry, get rid of the stress, finally feel peaceful and present in your life, and excited, and going for big goals and whatever else you want to do. With that you all, I’m going to leave you. I hope you have a great, great week, talk to you next week.
If you found this episode helpful then you have to check out my coaching program where I provide you individualized support to create a life centered around rest. Head on over to mckoolcoaching.com, that’s M-C-K-O-O-L coaching.com to learn more.
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