69. The Reason Saying No Feels Hard
Think about an area that you really struggle to say no in, maybe there is something in your life right now. Ask yourself this: if you knew 100% that when you said no to it, nobody would object, feel bad, or think anything negative of you, what would you do?
You’d probably say no, right? And you would probably do so fairly quickly and easily. So why does saying no still feel so difficult for so many people?
Join me this week as I’m sharing two main reasons that saying no feels so hard for so many of us, and the problem with not honoring what you want to do or not do. Discover where are you avoiding saying no and the problem with doing so, and how to start practicing saying no and creating the life you want.
If you want to take this work deeper and learn the tools and skills to feel better, all while having my support and guidance each step of the way, I invite you to set up a time to chat with me. Click here to grab a spot on my calendar and I can’t wait to speak to you!
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What You Will Discover:
Some areas of my life I struggle with saying no.
Why someone else’s feelings and actions are not driven or caused by you saying no.
Some questions to ask yourself around saying no.
What really prevents you from saying no to others.
How to start allowing discomfort and say no.
Resources:
Get The Burnout Recovery Resolution mini-course right now by signing up here!
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Full Episode Transcript:
Hey, you all, I’m Marissa McKool, and you’re listening to the Redefining Rest Podcast for public health professionals. Here we believe rest is your right. You don’t have to earn it, you just have to learn how to take it and I’m going to teach you. Ready? Come along.
Hey, everyone, how is it going? I feel like I haven’t really shared what’s been going on with me in the past couple episodes. Things are pretty good. I really can’t complain. I mean my brain always has some drama to offer me. But in general, the past couple weeks have been low key which I feel has been very needed and very nice. And it’s been nice to stay in town and do some things in town. We have some trips coming up.
My partner and I as some of you know have been trying to figure out our next steps and we’re probably going to be moving. We’re still figuring that out, that’s been a long discussion over the past year or two. So still navigating all of that but I am really loving everything going on in my coaching.
All of my clients are so amazing, all their transformations. Just this morning alone we had with one of my clients, actually this week two of my clients, we do reviews every couple of months of their transformation, and I had one this morning. And wow, I mean wow, wow, wow. So amazing. The changes that you would think are inconsequential and don’t matter are huge, they make a huge, huge difference in your emotional experience in your day-to-day life.
So, I have just been really loving just helping so many people and seeing so much of the change my clients are making and I love that. It fuels me, it makes me feel so good. I’ve also been navigating some health stuff. I noticed I’ve been having a lot of back issues which what does it have to do with? My ergonomic set up of course. But because my partner and I might be moving soon, I don’t want to get a whole new setup.
So, I’ve been trying to figure out working from different places and actually reducing how much I’m on the computer and working, which has been really leveling up my own practice of rest and detaching from toxic productivity. And allowed me so many amazing insights that I’m sure I will share with you all in a future episode. But today we are talking about the reasons you struggle saying no. And listen, I struggle too, there are some areas in my life where I’m really good at this, career has been one of them.
I used to be that person in the office that colleagues would come to and be like, “I really need to say no to this, but I don’t want to. Help me.” And I’d give them a little pep talk or tough love. But there’s other areas I really struggle with. I struggle with this in my family dynamics, I struggle with this with friends sometimes. I think this is a lifelong journey and when we go through the reasons why saying no feels hard, you’ll understand. But there are really kind of two reasons.
The first is we are worried about other people involved, how they’ll react, what they’ll think, what they’ll feel. And then the second reason that really is underneath that first reason is judging ourselves for wanting to say no, judging our reasons, catastrophizing the future, shaming, and blaming ourselves. I want to ask you this, first think about an area you really struggle saying no in.
Maybe there is something in your life right now that you’re struggling with, a trip someone invited you on, you don’t want to go. A project at work you were asked to take on, you don’t want to do. Whatever it may be, think about something in your mind. And then ask yourself this, if you knew a 100% that when you said no to that, no one involved would object. No one would feel bad. No one would think anything negative of you, they wouldn’t even flinch.
If you knew a 100% certain that would be the case, there would be no negative outcomes, they wouldn’t care, not a problem, what would you do? What would you say? You’d probably say no and rather quickly and rather easily. We don’t say no when we’re worried about what the other people involved in the decision making or requesting something of us, or whatever it may be, what they will think about us, how they will feel if and how it will impact them. You’re worried it’s going to burden someone else, that they’ll be mad at you, that they’ll think you’re slacking and a million other thoughts.
And from an evolutionary perspective this makes sense. Humans are social species who do depend on each other to survive at varying extents and varying ways depending on the period of history we’re talking about. In the modern world in 2022 saying no to working on a Saturday doesn’t necessarily threaten your survival. Now, obviously there are circumstances and situations that we could get more in detail and maybe you could argue that it could.
But for most folks in public health most of you listening saying no to working on a Saturday for an event doesn’t necessarily threaten your survival. But thousands of years ago saying no to helping gather food for your community, could. So, our desire to stay liked and in community is partially because for thousands of years, probably as long as humans have been around, we really relied on each other and being liked by the community, and integrated and not ousted so we wouldn’t get left behind and die.
On top of that many of us have had varying experiences that have also influenced our fear of saying no, from generational trauma, from the epigenetics point of view, meaning even if you have not experienced harm, or oppression, or violence as an outcome of saying no. If family and your history have, whether it’s a generation two, three, four or even more before you, that can still impact you. Or if you grew up in a home where the parenting style was very authoritative in that you had to do what you were told and could not express opinion or choice.
The same with if that was the structure in your school, or if you grew up in a very authoritative religion. Or if you have had experiences in the past where you’ve said no and actually been punished or had consequences whether it’s a workplace or not. If you’re socialized as a woman and have been told in many direct and indirect ways that men are the authority, and you can’t say no to them. Even in the public health workforce, from academia to government there is a hierarchy built in place to say some people’s voice matters more and what they say goes and others don’t.
If you’re Black and saying no to someone whether a police officer or a neighbor could result in you experiencing violence, that can impact your experience with saying no. Or a number of other things based on your identity or your lived experience. So of course, your brain is worried about other people’s reaction to you saying no. It makes total sense because your brain’s number one job is to keep you safe and alive, that is what it’s best at. That is its main job.
So, first that makes total sense, it’s okay, your brain is just doing what it’s designed to do. And it’s really important to acknowledge that a lot of the time what we struggle to say no about is actually not life threatening. It doesn’t put us in danger. Our physical safety is not in danger. Most people I work with, most of you listening, where you struggle saying no is, no to working late or no to leading a workshop for your boss when they’re out and you already have plans. Saying no to leading a committee that you are asked to lead or head.
Saying no to a job because the salary isn’t what you want. Most of you all struggling to say no especially at work, but this totally shows up in the home, if you have a partner or with friends. Is because your brain thinks saying no is a danger or threat when it really isn’t. Your brain perceives it’s a danger or threat but it’s actually not. And when your brain perceives danger or threat your nervous system gets activated. And your brain believes if you say no there will be danger. Everyone will hate you, you’ll be left behind.
And then when that happens, when your nervous system is activated, it shuts down your prefrontal cortex. The part of your brain that has the capacity to use logical thinking, think critically, decide on purpose, discern whether or not you have power and choice and where you have power and choice and what is out of your control. Even if your nervous system is activated because there is an actual possible danger, it’s not just perceived.
Let’s say your boss is a homophobic asshole, who has a history of lashing out. So, your brain is of course worried if you say no to attending a meeting, that might result in them yelling at you. And it might be possible that that is not your brain overreacting and your brain has taken in information based on their behavior, based on how they’ve treated people, how they’ve treated you. And your brain thinks, there is a chance here. And maybe that’s not perceived. Maybe that is a possibility.
When your nervous system gets activated in fear in that moment, and goes into fight, flight, or freeze, you don’t get to access your conscious thinking where you can think critically, where you can discern in this moment, is this a real threat or perceived? Or you can make decisions intentionally on purpose where you can strategically think, where you can be innovated, where you can plan, where you can support yourself no matter what someone else says or does.
Most of us get stuck in this very either or thinking, either I say no, and they’re upset or either I say yes and they’re fine, they’re happy I said yes but I’m secretly unhappy. And that’s just putting yourself in a mental tug of war. And you’re unable to see the nuance and possibility in between, your brain gets really hyper focused on the extremes. Because the truth is maybe the person you’re worried about won’t be mad. Maybe they won’t care, or they’ll feel neutral, or dare I say they’ll feel proud of you. They could feel a million other things.
And they could feel those things or have the thoughts they do whether because they’re thinking about you or they’re thinking about how good their morning coffee is, or that jerk who cut them off in traffic. Because their feelings and actions are not caused by you and your decision to say no. Their feelings and actions are created and driven by their own thoughts. You are not responsible for how they feel or their actions.
We’ve all had the experience where we say something to someone we are convinced is going to set them off and upset them. And then we say it and they’re not even fazed. We’ve all had the opposite experience where we’ve told someone something we think they’ll be really excited about and then they’re actually pissed, and you’re taken aback because you don’t cause their thoughts and feelings. When we don’t want to honor what we want, when we want to say no, when we don’t honor that, it is because we are taking responsibility for something that’s not our responsibility.
It is not your job to keep or make other people happy or make them feel any type of way. If someone ends up being disappointed because you said no, that’s okay, those are their feelings and they can have them, that’s not a problem. You are not responsible for their emotions, for changing or fixing them. You are responsible for you, your choices, your beliefs, your feelings, your actions. And often what you are uncomfortable with when you say no isn’t even the fact that someone else might be disappointed, mad, sad, rejected. It’s actually what you make it mean about yourself.
Which brings me to the second reason you don’t want to say no. What you make saying no mean about you. When you tell yourself it means you’re selfish, or lazy, or rude, or inconsiderate, or tell yourself you’ll lose opportunities or you won’t get another chance, or you’ll burn a bridge. Ultimately that is what you’re afraid of and avoiding, being mean to yourself because we’ve all had the experience where we do say no confidently and someone else gets upset and it doesn’t even bother us. You’ve all had this experience.
Here's one example. For me I’m vegan, I have been vegan three or four years. I have been vegetarian and haven’t eaten meat for 13 years. If someone offers me a piece of steak, whether someone I know really well, or someone I don’t know at all, and I say no and they get upset or offended, I don’t care. It does not bother me. I do not tell myself, I’m selfish, or I’m rude, or I shouldn’t have done that, or I made them upset. I’m not worried. I don’t make it mean anything about me. I know them being upset has nothing to do with me.
But the times we don’t have our own back where we second guess ourselves, judge ourselves, are mean to ourselves, that is where we are avoiding saying no. if you are worried telling your boss that you can’t attend a conference on their behalf, will result in them being frustrated with you, so what? I know that can sound flippant but answer that, so what? So what? What’s the problem with them being frustrated with you?
Often when you start digging and you get to underneath, what’s underneath it or what you will find is your brain telling you things like, well, she’ll think I’m lazy, or not dependable, or don’t care. Or a million other thoughts about what your brain thinks. But if you yourself believed in yourself a 100,000%, if you believed a 100,000% that you are not lazy, that you are dependable, that you do care, for sure in your bones you believe that. You would (a) probably not even think the possibility exists that your boss could think differently.
But (b) if they did think differently and you found out you would be confused. You wouldn’t be upset, you’d be like, that’s weird. That’s not true. How did they think that? That’s confusing. When someone gets mad that I don’t eat meat and their thought is, you’re judging me, I don’t get upset because I know a 100% I’m not judging them. I’m actually confused. I’m like, how did you do that. Me saying no to the type of food based on my personal preference, you interpreted it as me judging you, that makes no sense. Explain that.
I’m confused. I’m not worried that they’re right, because I have my own back because I know what I believe about me, and it just doesn’t match what they believe. Often what we are most worried the other person will think about us is just a reflection of what we already think about ourselves. You aren’t actually so worried you’re colleague will think you are selfish. It’s that somewhere deep down you already think that about yourself. You aren’t actually so concerned that your partner will think you are lazy. It's that in some level you think you are lazy and should be doing more.
What prevents you from saying no to others is really what you think about yourself, what you make it mean about you. It’s just easier to project that onto someone else, especially with our social conditioning than to admit we think these things about ourselves because that can feel very painful. But once you admit that, that deep down you’re the one who are having these thoughts and thinking you’re selfish or lazy, once you admit that then you can decide if you want to continue to believe that about yourself or if you want to believe something completely different.
If you want to decide to believe that protecting your time isn’t lazy at all, if you want to believe that conserving your energy isn’t selfish at all. And that you get to know 100% that the no is the right choice for you, even if someone else feels differently. I want you to consider these questions for a second. And I encourage you to come back to these questions at the times you are struggling to say no and actually answer them, put them on paper, type them up, Auto-Notes, whatever you use.
What if saying no was the most selfless thing you could do right now? What if saying no is the kindest thing you could do? What if saying no actually opens up more opportunities? What if saying no actually gives you more chances? What if saying no actually creates bridges? Let’s go back to the meat, vegan example. Me saying no, okay, no thanks, I’m not interested in that. Actually, is very kind for both of us. It lets that person have more of what they like. They like steak, they get more of it, I’m not taking any.
They have more, that is super kind, even if they’re upset and can’t see that, that’s okay, it doesn’t mean that it’s not kind. It’s kind to me because, one, it’s sticking to my personal choices and values emotionally. But two, physically, if I had meat after not eating it for 13 whatever years, I’m going to get sick and that’s not very kind to myself. It’s also kind to them because I’m not lying to them and saying, “Sure I don’t mind”, when that’s not true.
And it could create a bridge with someone else at the event who overhears and says, “Hey, I’ve been thinking about going vegan, can you tell me more?” Those are just a few examples. But those examples we don’t even see, we don’t think about the possibility when we’re so wrapped up in worrying about what it means if we say no. So, here’s where I want you to start working on this.
Saying no can be really uncomfortable especially at first because you’re going against your evolutionary biology and social conditioning. You’re navigating your fear and worry about other people. You’re going against your brain’s own self-judgment. But if you allow yourself to be uncomfortable especially in the beginning and get good at allowing that discomfort, then you get good at saying no which means you get good at actually being the author, the director, the driver of your life, creating a life you want, the experiences you want.
And it gets easier and more empowering, so if it feels awkward or uncomfortable that is normal, nothing has gone wrong. You’re not doing it wrong. This is what I want you to practice when you’re saying no, and your brain is going off on you with all the reasons you shouldn’t say no. And it’s telling you, you’re going to burn bridges. And you get that knot in your stomach. And even if the other person gets mad or expresses their thoughts and feelings, I want you to remind yourself that nothing has gone wrong. Say it to yourself, repeat it.
This is one of the most powerful thoughts you can practice, it really does, at least for me, it helps me calm my nervous system and calm my stress response. Because your brain thinks you are in danger when you really might not be. And this can slow that response and then you can allow the emotions and physical sensations, and the discomfort and whether it’s anxiety or overwhelm. And you can let it be there. And listen, this is a practice, it’s not about perfection. And it’s about figuring out what works for you.
Maybe the thought, nothing has gone wrong, you say that, and it doesn’t help. That’s totally fine. What is another thought you can think that can help? Is it I can be with this discomfort, or this won’t last forever, or I’m okay, or I’m safe, or no matter what happens I’ll be okay. You can play around with what anchor thought you can think that will help you keep you grounded, and slow your emotional response and your nervous system. Because of course your brain’s freaking out.
You’ve been socialized to believe you can’t say no and that saying no is a problem. When in fact it doesn’t necessarily have to be a problem. Alright, you all, with that I just want to ask you all if you can, quick reminder. I am trying to get more and more people access to this podcast, folks in public health who are really struggling, struggling with things like saying no. Struggling with setting boundaries and sticking to them. Struggling to create more time. Struggling to trust themselves. Struggling to decide they’ve done enough. All the things you all struggle with.
And in order to do that one of the best ways is for more folks who do listen to rate and review so that folks can find the podcast easier. It will come up sooner in the algorithm when they search for things. It will be recommended. So, if you have the time and capacity, it would be mean so much to me if you haven’t already, to take three minutes to rate and review wherever you listen. And I know it will mean so much to that person out there who’s really struggling in public health and really wants help and doesn’t know where to turn and nothing has helped them.
This podcast could help them and you writing that review could be the key to them finding it. So, in advance, I thank you so much for doing that, it means so much to me. And that person who’s going to find the podcast because of you. Alright you all, have a great week, talk to you next week.
If you found this episode helpful then you have to check out my coaching program where I provide you individualized support to create a life centered around rest. Head on over to mckoolcoaching.com, that’s M-C-K-O-O-L coaching.com to learn more.
Hey, everyone, how is it going? I feel like I haven’t really shared what’s been going on with me in the past couple episodes. Things are pretty good. I really can’t complain. I mean my brain always has some drama to offer me. But in general, the past couple weeks have been low key which I feel has been very needed and very nice. And it’s been nice to stay in town and do some things in town. We have some trips coming up.
My partner and I as some of you know have been trying to figure out our next steps and we’re probably going to be moving. We’re still figuring that out, that’s been a long discussion over the past year or two. So still navigating all of that but I am really loving everything going on in my coaching.
All of my clients are so amazing, all their transformations. Just this morning alone we had with one of my clients, actually this week two of my clients, we do reviews every couple of months of their transformation, and I had one this morning. And wow, I mean wow, wow, wow. So amazing. The changes that you would think are inconsequential and don’t matter are huge, they make a huge, huge difference in your emotional experience in your day-to-day life.
So, I have just been really loving just helping so many people and seeing so much of the change my clients are making and I love that. It fuels me, it makes me feel so good. I’ve also been navigating some health stuff. I noticed I’ve been having a lot of back issues which what does it have to do with? My ergonomic set up of course. But because my partner and I might be moving soon, I don’t want to get a whole new setup.
So, I’ve been trying to figure out working from different places and actually reducing how much I’m on the computer and working, which has been really leveling up my own practice of rest and detaching from toxic productivity. And allowed me so many amazing insights that I’m sure I will share with you all in a future episode. But today we are talking about the reasons you struggle saying no. And listen, I struggle too, there are some areas in my life where I’m really good at this, career has been one of them.
I used to be that person in the office that colleagues would come to and be like, “I really need to say no to this, but I don’t want to. Help me.” And I’d give them a little pep talk or tough love. But there’s other areas I really struggle with. I struggle with this in my family dynamics, I struggle with this with friends sometimes. I think this is a lifelong journey and when we go through the reasons why saying no feels hard, you’ll understand. But there are really kind of two reasons.
The first is we are worried about other people involved, how they’ll react, what they’ll think, what they’ll feel. And then the second reason that really is underneath that first reason is judging ourselves for wanting to say no, judging our reasons, catastrophizing the future, shaming, and blaming ourselves. I want to ask you this, first think about an area you really struggle saying no in.
Maybe there is something in your life right now that you’re struggling with, a trip someone invited you on, you don’t want to go. A project at work you were asked to take on, you don’t want to do. Whatever it may be, think about something in your mind. And then ask yourself this, if you knew a 100% that when you said no to that, no one involved would object. No one would feel bad. No one would think anything negative of you, they wouldn’t even flinch.
If you knew a 100% certain that would be the case, there would be no negative outcomes, they wouldn’t care, not a problem, what would you do? What would you say? You’d probably say no and rather quickly and rather easily. We don’t say no when we’re worried about what the other people involved in the decision making or requesting something of us, or whatever it may be, what they will think about us, how they will feel if and how it will impact them. You’re worried it’s going to burden someone else, that they’ll be mad at you, that they’ll think you’re slacking and a million other thoughts.
And from an evolutionary perspective this makes sense. Humans are social species who do depend on each other to survive at varying extents and varying ways depending on the period of history we’re talking about. In the modern world in 2022 saying no to working on a Saturday doesn’t necessarily threaten your survival. Now, obviously there are circumstances and situations that we could get more in detail and maybe you could argue that it could.
But for most folks in public health most of you listening saying no to working on a Saturday for an event doesn’t necessarily threaten your survival. But thousands of years ago saying no to helping gather food for your community, could. So, our desire to stay liked and in community is partially because for thousands of years, probably as long as humans have been around, we really relied on each other and being liked by the community, and integrated and not ousted so we wouldn’t get left behind and die.
On top of that many of us have had varying experiences that have also influenced our fear of saying no, from generational trauma, from the epigenetics point of view, meaning even if you have not experienced harm, or oppression, or violence as an outcome of saying no. If family and your history have, whether it’s a generation two, three, four or even more before you, that can still impact you. Or if you grew up in a home where the parenting style was very authoritative in that you had to do what you were told and could not express opinion or choice.
The same with if that was the structure in your school, or if you grew up in a very authoritative religion. Or if you have had experiences in the past where you’ve said no and actually been punished or had consequences whether it’s a workplace or not. If you’re socialized as a woman and have been told in many direct and indirect ways that men are the authority, and you can’t say no to them. Even in the public health workforce, from academia to government there is a hierarchy built in place to say some people’s voice matters more and what they say goes and others don’t.
If you’re Black and saying no to someone whether a police officer or a neighbor could result in you experiencing violence, that can impact your experience with saying no. Or a number of other things based on your identity or your lived experience. So of course, your brain is worried about other people’s reaction to you saying no. It makes total sense because your brain’s number one job is to keep you safe and alive, that is what it’s best at. That is its main job.
So, first that makes total sense, it’s okay, your brain is just doing what it’s designed to do. And it’s really important to acknowledge that a lot of the time what we struggle to say no about is actually not life threatening. It doesn’t put us in danger. Our physical safety is not in danger. Most people I work with, most of you listening, where you struggle saying no is, no to working late or no to leading a workshop for your boss when they’re out and you already have plans. Saying no to leading a committee that you are asked to lead or head.
Saying no to a job because the salary isn’t what you want. Most of you all struggling to say no especially at work, but this totally shows up in the home, if you have a partner or with friends. Is because your brain thinks saying no is a danger or threat when it really isn’t. Your brain perceives it’s a danger or threat but it’s actually not. And when your brain perceives danger or threat your nervous system gets activated. And your brain believes if you say no there will be danger. Everyone will hate you, you’ll be left behind.
And then when that happens, when your nervous system is activated, it shuts down your prefrontal cortex. The part of your brain that has the capacity to use logical thinking, think critically, decide on purpose, discern whether or not you have power and choice and where you have power and choice and what is out of your control. Even if your nervous system is activated because there is an actual possible danger, it’s not just perceived.
Let’s say your boss is a homophobic asshole, who has a history of lashing out. So, your brain is of course worried if you say no to attending a meeting, that might result in them yelling at you. And it might be possible that that is not your brain overreacting and your brain has taken in information based on their behavior, based on how they’ve treated people, how they’ve treated you. And your brain thinks, there is a chance here. And maybe that’s not perceived. Maybe that is a possibility.
When your nervous system gets activated in fear in that moment, and goes into fight, flight, or freeze, you don’t get to access your conscious thinking where you can think critically, where you can discern in this moment, is this a real threat or perceived? Or you can make decisions intentionally on purpose where you can strategically think, where you can be innovated, where you can plan, where you can support yourself no matter what someone else says or does.
Most of us get stuck in this very either or thinking, either I say no, and they’re upset or either I say yes and they’re fine, they’re happy I said yes but I’m secretly unhappy. And that’s just putting yourself in a mental tug of war. And you’re unable to see the nuance and possibility in between, your brain gets really hyper focused on the extremes. Because the truth is maybe the person you’re worried about won’t be mad. Maybe they won’t care, or they’ll feel neutral, or dare I say they’ll feel proud of you. They could feel a million other things.
And they could feel those things or have the thoughts they do whether because they’re thinking about you or they’re thinking about how good their morning coffee is, or that jerk who cut them off in traffic. Because their feelings and actions are not caused by you and your decision to say no. Their feelings and actions are created and driven by their own thoughts. You are not responsible for how they feel or their actions.
We’ve all had the experience where we say something to someone we are convinced is going to set them off and upset them. And then we say it and they’re not even fazed. We’ve all had the opposite experience where we’ve told someone something we think they’ll be really excited about and then they’re actually pissed, and you’re taken aback because you don’t cause their thoughts and feelings. When we don’t want to honor what we want, when we want to say no, when we don’t honor that, it is because we are taking responsibility for something that’s not our responsibility.
It is not your job to keep or make other people happy or make them feel any type of way. If someone ends up being disappointed because you said no, that’s okay, those are their feelings and they can have them, that’s not a problem. You are not responsible for their emotions, for changing or fixing them. You are responsible for you, your choices, your beliefs, your feelings, your actions. And often what you are uncomfortable with when you say no isn’t even the fact that someone else might be disappointed, mad, sad, rejected. It’s actually what you make it mean about yourself.
Which brings me to the second reason you don’t want to say no. What you make saying no mean about you. When you tell yourself it means you’re selfish, or lazy, or rude, or inconsiderate, or tell yourself you’ll lose opportunities or you won’t get another chance, or you’ll burn a bridge. Ultimately that is what you’re afraid of and avoiding, being mean to yourself because we’ve all had the experience where we do say no confidently and someone else gets upset and it doesn’t even bother us. You’ve all had this experience.
Here's one example. For me I’m vegan, I have been vegan three or four years. I have been vegetarian and haven’t eaten meat for 13 years. If someone offers me a piece of steak, whether someone I know really well, or someone I don’t know at all, and I say no and they get upset or offended, I don’t care. It does not bother me. I do not tell myself, I’m selfish, or I’m rude, or I shouldn’t have done that, or I made them upset. I’m not worried. I don’t make it mean anything about me. I know them being upset has nothing to do with me.
But the times we don’t have our own back where we second guess ourselves, judge ourselves, are mean to ourselves, that is where we are avoiding saying no. if you are worried telling your boss that you can’t attend a conference on their behalf, will result in them being frustrated with you, so what? I know that can sound flippant but answer that, so what? So what? What’s the problem with them being frustrated with you?
Often when you start digging and you get to underneath, what’s underneath it or what you will find is your brain telling you things like, well, she’ll think I’m lazy, or not dependable, or don’t care. Or a million other thoughts about what your brain thinks. But if you yourself believed in yourself a 100,000%, if you believed a 100,000% that you are not lazy, that you are dependable, that you do care, for sure in your bones you believe that. You would (a) probably not even think the possibility exists that your boss could think differently.
But (b) if they did think differently and you found out you would be confused. You wouldn’t be upset, you’d be like, that’s weird. That’s not true. How did they think that? That’s confusing. When someone gets mad that I don’t eat meat and their thought is, you’re judging me, I don’t get upset because I know a 100% I’m not judging them. I’m actually confused. I’m like, how did you do that. Me saying no to the type of food based on my personal preference, you interpreted it as me judging you, that makes no sense. Explain that.
I’m confused. I’m not worried that they’re right, because I have my own back because I know what I believe about me, and it just doesn’t match what they believe. Often what we are most worried the other person will think about us is just a reflection of what we already think about ourselves. You aren’t actually so worried you’re colleague will think you are selfish. It’s that somewhere deep down you already think that about yourself. You aren’t actually so concerned that your partner will think you are lazy. It's that in some level you think you are lazy and should be doing more.
What prevents you from saying no to others is really what you think about yourself, what you make it mean about you. It’s just easier to project that onto someone else, especially with our social conditioning than to admit we think these things about ourselves because that can feel very painful. But once you admit that, that deep down you’re the one who are having these thoughts and thinking you’re selfish or lazy, once you admit that then you can decide if you want to continue to believe that about yourself or if you want to believe something completely different.
If you want to decide to believe that protecting your time isn’t lazy at all, if you want to believe that conserving your energy isn’t selfish at all. And that you get to know 100% that the no is the right choice for you, even if someone else feels differently. I want you to consider these questions for a second. And I encourage you to come back to these questions at the times you are struggling to say no and actually answer them, put them on paper, type them up, Auto-Notes, whatever you use.
What if saying no was the most selfless thing you could do right now? What if saying no is the kindest thing you could do? What if saying no actually opens up more opportunities? What if saying no actually gives you more chances? What if saying no actually creates bridges? Let’s go back to the meat, vegan example. Me saying no, okay, no thanks, I’m not interested in that. Actually, is very kind for both of us. It lets that person have more of what they like. They like steak, they get more of it, I’m not taking any.
They have more, that is super kind, even if they’re upset and can’t see that, that’s okay, it doesn’t mean that it’s not kind. It’s kind to me because, one, it’s sticking to my personal choices and values emotionally. But two, physically, if I had meat after not eating it for 13 whatever years, I’m going to get sick and that’s not very kind to myself. It’s also kind to them because I’m not lying to them and saying, “Sure I don’t mind”, when that’s not true.
And it could create a bridge with someone else at the event who overhears and says, “Hey, I’ve been thinking about going vegan, can you tell me more?” Those are just a few examples. But those examples we don’t even see, we don’t think about the possibility when we’re so wrapped up in worrying about what it means if we say no. So, here’s where I want you to start working on this.
Saying no can be really uncomfortable especially at first because you’re going against your evolutionary biology and social conditioning. You’re navigating your fear and worry about other people. You’re going against your brain’s own self-judgment. But if you allow yourself to be uncomfortable especially in the beginning and get good at allowing that discomfort, then you get good at saying no which means you get good at actually being the author, the director, the driver of your life, creating a life you want, the experiences you want.
And it gets easier and more empowering, so if it feels awkward or uncomfortable that is normal, nothing has gone wrong. You’re not doing it wrong. This is what I want you to practice when you’re saying no, and your brain is going off on you with all the reasons you shouldn’t say no. And it’s telling you, you’re going to burn bridges. And you get that knot in your stomach. And even if the other person gets mad or expresses their thoughts and feelings, I want you to remind yourself that nothing has gone wrong. Say it to yourself, repeat it.
This is one of the most powerful thoughts you can practice, it really does, at least for me, it helps me calm my nervous system and calm my stress response. Because your brain thinks you are in danger when you really might not be. And this can slow that response and then you can allow the emotions and physical sensations, and the discomfort and whether it’s anxiety or overwhelm. And you can let it be there. And listen, this is a practice, it’s not about perfection. And it’s about figuring out what works for you.
Maybe the thought, nothing has gone wrong, you say that, and it doesn’t help. That’s totally fine. What is another thought you can think that can help? Is it I can be with this discomfort, or this won’t last forever, or I’m okay, or I’m safe, or no matter what happens I’ll be okay. You can play around with what anchor thought you can think that will help you keep you grounded, and slow your emotional response and your nervous system. Because of course your brain’s freaking out.
You’ve been socialized to believe you can’t say no and that saying no is a problem. When in fact it doesn’t necessarily have to be a problem. Alright, you all, with that I just want to ask you all if you can, quick reminder. I am trying to get more and more people access to this podcast, folks in public health who are really struggling, struggling with things like saying no. Struggling with setting boundaries and sticking to them. Struggling to create more time. Struggling to trust themselves. Struggling to decide they’ve done enough. All the things you all struggle with.
And in order to do that one of the best ways is for more folks who do listen to rate and review so that folks can find the podcast easier. It will come up sooner in the algorithm when they search for things. It will be recommended. So, if you have the time and capacity, it would be mean so much to me if you haven’t already, to take three minutes to rate and review wherever you listen. And I know it will mean so much to that person out there who’s really struggling in public health and really wants help and doesn’t know where to turn and nothing has helped them.
This podcast could help them and you writing that review could be the key to them finding it. So, in advance, I thank you so much for doing that, it means so much to me. And that person who’s going to find the podcast because of you. Alright you all, have a great week, talk to you next week.
If you found this episode helpful then you have to check out my coaching program where I provide you individualized support to create a life centered around rest. Head on over to mckoolcoaching.com, that’s M-C-K-O-O-L coaching.com to learn more.
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