102. Rest Rewind: Other People & Your Feelings
We are continuing with the Rest Rewind series this week, where I bring up some of the most impactful episodes from the archive to celebrate the milestone of hitting 100 podcast episodes! Mixed messages are everywhere when it comes to where our feelings come from, and it is so much easier to think that our problems stem from someone else. Is there a person in your life that you feel creates your emotions?
When we allow ourselves to fixate on others, we become frustrated and blame them. But when we recognize thoughts and emotions as our own, we can begin to take responsibility for our actions. Taking personal responsibility is hard sometimes but at the end of the day, is incredibly freeing.
In this episode, I invite you to become aware of the perceived root of your emotions. When we claim power over our own feelings, we can then take actions that are aligned with our needs and desires. So are your current thoughts helpful? Let’s find out.
If you’re not as happy as you want to be, feel like you’ve lost your purpose, or want to have more free time and feel less overwhelmed, I can help. My one-on-one coaching program is about to open up, and it is designed to help women just like you change the way you currently feel in your life. Meeting with me one-on-one every week for 12 weeks will help you trust yourself, feel confident in your decisions, and get your time back without hindering your career. It will change everything. Click here to sign up for the waitlist or join the program now.
If you want to take this work deeper and learn the tools and skills to feel better, all while having my support and guidance each step of the way, I invite you to set up a time to chat with me. Click here to grab a spot on my calendar, and I can’t wait to speak to you!
What You Will Discover:
Why circumstances do not cause our thoughts.
What creates our feelings.
How to take responsibility for our thoughts, feelings, and actions.
Why mixed messages unconsciously encourage our brain in thinking that others create our feelings.
The brain’s need to validate our present reality.
How to identify if your thoughts are helpful.
The importance of both positive and negative emotions.
Resources:
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Full Episode Transcript:
Hey you all, I’m Marissa McKool, and you’re listening to the Redefining Rest Podcast for Public Health Professionals. Here we believe rest is your right. You don’t have to earn it, you just have to learn how to take it and I’m going to teach you. Ready? Come along.
Hello everyone, as you are listening to this, the day it comes out I am heading to Europe. As those of you who have been listening for a while know, I am taking a sabbatical in the month of April, taking the whole month off. A couple of weeks I’m going to Europe, a couple of weeks I’m just relaxing, recalibrating, reflecting. And listen, if you're thinking, hey, I wish I could do that but I can’t because I’m not a faculty or I don't own my own business. That's not true.
One of the outcomes when I did intensive coaching, self-coaching when I first learned about it, the work I now do with clients with public health professionals. One of my outcomes from that work was I actually took a three week international vacation which was unheard of in my organization to take that much time off at once but I did it. I didn’t let barriers stop me. I made it happen because I detached from hustle culture and I really redefined rest for myself and I had the confidence to make it happen so you can too.
And if you want more rest, want more travel, want more relaxation, want more expansiveness, want more time, that is what coaching can help you with. So if you’re interested in that, check out my coaching program, mckoolcoaching.com, find out more. When I get back from sabbatical, we can chat. On the other note, let’s talk about today’s episode. We are continuing with the Rest Rewind series where I’m bringing up some of the most important episodes that you might have missed from the very beginning of this podcast.
Today you’re going to hear my episode on Other People and Your Feelings. One of the number one things, clients, students from my coaching program leave with when I ask them, “What was the biggest thing you got out of coaching?” One of the main things they say is, “Really seeing that other people don't cause my feelings and I don't cause theirs.” Especially as women where the patriarchy really socializes us to believe that (a) what matters is what other people think and feel about us and (b) we cause their thoughts and feelings so we have to be perfect.
The patriarchy really socializes us around that and it really causes us so much stress and overwhelm we are so unaware of. And when people come through my coaching program and they really learn this deeply, they don't cause other people's thoughts and feelings and other people don't cause theirs, it releases so much stress.
Now, today's episode we’re specifically diving into how other people don’t cause your feelings. So going into this Rest Rewind, I want you to think about someone in your life who you feel causes your feelings. Is it your boss and you think they make you frustrated and resentful? Is it your mom, do you think she makes you feel guilty? Is it a friend that you believe makes you feel annoyed and frustrated? Who is it, who in your life do you feel causes your emotions that you wish that person would change and be different so you could feel different?
I want you to think about that as you listen to this episode. So you can learn that they do not cause your feelings and that’s actually the most liberating freedom creating lesson you can learn. And when you implement it you get to experience that. So with that, let’s get into the episode.
Hey, everyone. How's it going? Happy Monday. Thanks again for tuning in, it means so much. I love getting the messages about how useful these episodes are for you. That is my whole goal with creating these is that they can help you. If you have found this helpful I would love if you could rate and review it wherever you listen so others can find it as well. Love to hear which episodes you're enjoying, what's your biggest takeaways.
So, how are we all doing on this Monday? I'm doing great. We had our last sexual violence, sexual harassment prevention committee meeting of the year today. This is a committee that I have chaired for the past two years at my organization. It's a new committee we developed. And it hasn't always been easy doing this work and building this committee but it's been so rewarding and today we did reflections. Everyone shared what they're most proud of, of the committee and how they were personally or professionally impacted by serving on the committee.
Honestly, I had to hold back tears. I'm a very emotional person. I cry a lot. I was so touched by what people said, particularly in this past year during the pandemic and being isolated, a number of folks shared how connected being involved in this committee helped them feel, especially for students or post-docs who feel a little bit more isolated coming into their position, or the program or even new staff. So that was just so touching and it's interesting to reflect back.
There were so many points over the two years that I led this committee that I had so much doubt and not in the committee, but in myself as a leader, and worry and anxiety and stress. I used thought work a lot to work through it, not 100%. I didn't always choose to do thought work. It's an area I actually avoided doing thought work in and I probably could have used a lot more in it. But at the end of this, at the end of these two years, I'm so proud of myself for really doing the work.
And not stopping and not quitting because my brain had mean thoughts or because it was uncomfortable, or because what we were trying to do was really shift power dynamics where we work. And that is uncomfortable and that takes time and courage and bravery to do so. So maybe in another episode, I'll kind of share some more lessons learned from that experience, but it was just such a touching wrap-up and I appreciated everyone sharing so much and it helped me reflect on my own journey as well.
So with that, I want to talk a little bit about today's episode. This episode might push some folks’ buttons and that's okay. You might feel some anger or frustration during this episode. I totally did too when I first learned this concept. And allow yourself to feel that way. I'm giving you permission. I hope you give yourself permission too.
We're going to be talking about how other people don't cause your feelings which also means, you don't cause other people's feelings. So I'm going to say that again. Other people don't cause your feelings. As I said, this was such a hard lesson for me. So I learned this lesson through my coach about three years ago. There were some folks in leadership positions at my organization who no longer work there, who I had so many thoughts about.
I felt so strongly that they weren't good at their jobs, that they were terrible supervisors and managers, they were completely unsupportive, the decisions they made did not take into account perspectives of others. They did not consider the workload of everyone before assigning tasks, so on and so forth. But what it resulted in was me being frustrated all the time, all the time by them. What I realized when I really began to understand the concept that other people don't cause your feelings, is that they weren't creating the frustration. I was creating the frustration for myself.
Once I really learned that, then I could change how I felt no matter what they did or didn't do. And I still kept some of my thoughts about them. Not that they were terrible people, but they weren't in the best job for their skillset. That created very different feelings for me, than they're terrible at their job. They're terrible managers.
Today I want to talk through this concept in different examples so you can see what I mean and how actually this is good news. To recap quickly last week, if you haven't listened to last week's episode, I encourage you to listen. You don't have to stop and go back right now, but it'll be really helpful. It's really the baseline. So we talked about data versus drama. What that episode talked about was how circumstances don't cause our feelings.
So dishes in the sink, that circumstance does not cause us frustration. What causes us frustration is the thought, there are dirty dishes in the sink. And of course not everyone feels frustration from thinking that thought but basically it is that, things outside of us, they don't cause our feelings. Circumstances do not cause our feelings. And circumstances do not cause our thoughts. How do we know this?
Well, the clearest example is not everyone has the same thoughts about a circumstance. If it was true, a circumstance caused our thoughts, everyone would have the same thought about that circumstance. There are people who think carbs are terrible for you and people who don't. There are people who think social media is a waste of time and people who think social media is a perfectly good use of time. There's some people who love Nickelback’s music and other people who hate their music.
Our thoughts about circumstances aren't truths. They aren't facts. They're optional. And what that means, it doesn't mean that you shouldn't think the thoughts you already think necessarily or it should be easy to switch your thoughts. What it means is recognizing that you're not committed or stuck with that thought forever if you don't want to be. They aren't fixed. They come and go. We can change them, if we want to.
So, if circumstances do not cause our feelings, what do? Say it together, everyone, our thoughts cause our feelings. Not other things, not circumstances, not people. How do we know? Well one person might feel frustrated using technology while someone else might feel connected. And that's because of how they're thinking. One person is thinking, I hate this fucking thing. And the other person is thinking, this is so cool, I'm so glad I get to talk to people.
One person feels joy when learning to cook and someone else feels dread. Because one person is thinking, I love learning how to cook. The other person is thinking I'm terrible at this. I hate this. I know when I explain this, a lot of my clients and a lot of my students, they get it intellectually but when we really narrow in on other people and how other people don't cause our feelings, that's where it can feel really sticky and we have some resistance. We believe to our core that other people cause our feelings.
We can see, okay, the technology, maybe isn't causing our feelings, it's our thoughts. But when it comes to our mother-in-law or our boss or a partner or a friend, that's where we really have a hard time seeing this lesson. Why do we believe other people cause our feelings and why do we believe it so strongly? There's a couple different reasons I think. When we're kids, we're dependent on our caretakers to provide for us. If you're five years old, you are dependent on your caretaker to make sure you feel safe, for example, by providing food, safe shelter, being kind to you, so on and so forth.
And when we're younger, when we're children, our brain is in development, it hasn't yet fully developed to take control, to come to consciousness, to be intentional, take responsibility for our own thoughts and how our thoughts impact our feelings, let alone our actions. And that's something as we grow up that we do learn how to take responsibility for our actions. But we don't really learn about the thoughts and feelings piece. We're not really taught that.
I also want to note that even in childhood, when children don't have full development to have emotional control, their feelings are also not caused by other people.
I think the best example, my friend, one of my college roommates, she has twins. I think they're almost two. We were FaceTiming the other day and she was explaining the story of one of her twins who started screaming because there was no lid, no top on his cup. And so she gets on the floor with him and puts the lid on. And then he starts screaming because there's a lid on the cup. So she takes the lid off and he starts screaming because he wants the lid on the cup. And that kept going on forever.
And that is such a perfect example. Even a toddler, that example shows that even their mom putting on a lid doesn't change their feelings. The other person, the parent, did not change the toddler's feelings. And of course, a toddler doesn't have consciousness to really recognize what they're thinking and express it, but it does connect to their feelings.
Then what happens when we start to get older, we hear mixed messages. So we're told as kids to tell someone else when they hurt our feelings. We are told that by our parents and in school. And then as you get older, therapy, particularly for example, couples therapy, or even media depicting couples therapy shows people being taught to tell your partner all the things they do or don't do and how they don't meet our needs, how they impact us, how they make us unhappy.
And then on the flipside, we hear a lot of mantras, like create your own happiness, don't steal your own joy. That do point to this aspect of, yeah, you have control over your feelings, but it's very mixed. We also have a lot of evidence that other people do cause our feelings. So when you go to share a situation and you're really upset that someone else did something, to your friends or your family, everyone we go tell that are close to us, they agree with us. They validate us. And that is messaging to our brain that other people cause our feelings.
In addition, when you tell your brain, something is someone else's fault. Your brain works to find that evidence. Your brain just follows your directive. Our brains are followers. We need to lead our brains. So unintentionally or unconsciously, you're telling your brain to find this evidence, that it's someone else's fault you feel terrible. Then your brain goes to look for that evidence and it filters out any evidence to the contrary.
I mean, how many times have you been telling someone about something someone else did, and maybe they're not validating you, maybe they're pointing out, well, what about this? Or maybe they meant that? And you get upset. You don't believe them. You don't even want to listen to it. You just go find someone else to tell, who agrees with you immediately. This happens all the time.
And then also another example. I know we've all had this happen, particularly with people that we see a lot. There's something that someone does that annoys you. Or really pisses you off. And then every little thing they do starts to annoy you, even things that didn't bother you beforehand. Like you can't stand the way it sounds when they're chewing or you can't stand the way they tap their foot or how they ask you a question about turning on the TV.
It's not them, your brain has become fixated on them being annoying and then attaches and sees everything they do as annoying. That's not them causing your feelings. It's you. It's your thoughts. We also do this and we're also attached to the concept that other people cause our feelings because it's an easy way out for our brain. When we put the blame for our feelings on others, we don't have to change. Our brain doesn't have to change.
Our brain has been thinking these thoughts for a long time. It wants to conserve energy. It doesn't want to change. And we don't have to accept the personal responsibility. And we want to avoid that because when we do learn we need to accept personal responsibility, the first thing we go to is shame and blame and guilt for ourselves, which feels terrible. So we try to avoid that at all costs.
So, let me share an example of how this works. Let's say there's a person in your office who's higher than you or a colleague that never listens to you, cuts you off as you talk, takes your ideas and plays them off as your own. Let's get more specific than that. Let's say at your last team meeting, you bring up the need for new staff to help reduce the workload. You start to share your experience of how many hours everyone's working and how there's so many deadlines that are being pushed back or missed, about how there's way too much work, how three people have left and their positions hadn't been refilled.
And you're explaining why you think it's needed. Then your supervisor jumps in and says, “No, we don't have the funding, leadership won't let us hire. We just have to do less with less.” Then they move on to the next agenda item and you're just sitting there thinking in your head. What the eff? You start to feel embarrassed, even pissed, annoyed, frustrated, dismissed. You're thinking, they shouldn't have done that. What the eff do you mean by less, with less? How can we do any less? You're such a terrible supervisor.
You just embarrassed me in front of everyone. And then I asked you why you were feeling embarrassed or pissed or annoyed or frustrated. You would say because they cut you off, because they don't listen, because they don't care. But it's not because of your supervisor that you feel that way. It's not because of the words they said. It's because of your thoughts. Thinking, they cut me off. They don't listen. They don't care. That's what creates your feelings.
How do we know? It's not guaranteed that everyone in that meeting feels exactly the same way as you or has the same thoughts as you, about it. It's not guaranteed that everyone outside of that room, even if they were in the meeting, would feel that way. And I know, I know. You think everyone would agree. This was me. And I had a lot of evidence for it. We'd go to happy hours and everyone would complain and everyone would ‘agree’ about our leadership and how a terrible job they're doing. Those were just my thoughts. Those were my colleagues' thoughts.
And now looking back, I was just hanging out with colleagues who would agree with me. There's plenty of other people in the organization who did not agree. And so in this situation, in this example, we're talking about, if your supervisor says, “We have a tight budget, the leadership won't approve, we can't do that”, and moves on. I'm guessing that the leadership in that organization, I bet a lot of them would not agree with you that they're a terrible supervisor.
I bet you, a lot of those leadership do not agree that they don't care. I bet you, a lot of those leadership would even think actually they do care a lot, because they're really thinking through the priorities and our budget constraints and not making false promises. They might even think that they're being realistic and transparent. Even someone else in the room who saw what happened, and who maybe even thinks that having staff would be helpful. They might not have the exact same thoughts and feelings as you. They might have the thought that sucks, but not feel angry at them.
Other people, those other people in the room, outside of the room, have other thoughts that create different feelings. It's not the person, what they said, what they did. It's our thoughts that create our feelings. Now does that mean that person's behavior is right or wrong? That supervisor's behavior of what they said and how they said it is right or wrong? I don't know. That's just another thought. The concept of right or wrong is just a thought. Not everyone agrees on what's right or wrong. Whether you think their behavior is right or wrong is a thought, it's an opinion.
And I'm not here to tell you if other people's behaviors are right or wrong. What I do know is their behavior is a circumstance. It's something outside of you. It's something you don't have control over. And it's a circumstance you're having a lot of thoughts about. Are these thoughts helpful? Is thinking that your supervisor shouldn't have done that helpful? Is thinking that they don't care useful? If those thoughts are creating feelings of anger and frustration. It's possible that these thoughts are not serving you, that they're not helpful.
Let's walk through what it would look like if these thoughts are not helpful. So in the meeting, the boss stops you and says, “No, we don't have funding, leadership won't let us hire. We just have to do less with less.” You start thinking they are a terrible supervisor and this is a thought you've probably thought a lot and have a lot of evidence for. And you start feeling really frustrated.
From that frustration, you then constantly think about how terrible they are. You build up the mental evidence of all the past things that they've done that prove that. You actually stopped listening to what they're saying in the meeting while you're ruminating on this. You even maybe start thinking about what everyone else in the room is thinking. And then once you do start re-listening, everything they say, you find something wrong with, to prove that they're a terrible supervisor. Even after the meeting, you go to whoever you know will agree with you to complain about how terrible they are.
When you go back to your desk, you just start thinking about it and how embarrassing it was, and you don't focus on your work. You don't get your work done. You start to dread your next meeting with the supervisor, let's say it's your one-on-one, you're dreading it. You don't prepare for it. What's the result of believing that they're a terrible supervisor and feeling frustrated? The actions that we just laid out, the result of all those actions is, you actually are being a terrible employee. And not from an organization point of view, but for yourself.
Is constantly ruminating on how terrible they are, is not listening in a meeting, is complaining to coworkers, is not doing your work, is not preparing for your meeting, does that sound like the type of employee you want to be? Does that sound like how you want to do your work and how you want to exist in your job? Believing this thought only creates results you don't want. Consistently thinking they're a terrible boss, does not make them a better boss, it only impacts you. It doesn't change anything about them.
And furthermore, it changes you, it changes your actions. You stop working, you can't concentrate. You don't focus. And, cherry on top, you're increasing your own workload by not doing your work because you're thinking this and feeling frustrated. The irony is, you wanted more staff to help you get your work done. But because you keep thinking your boss is terrible, they embarrassed you, they shouldn't have done that. The result of that is you don't listen, you don't do your work, you can't concentrate, you end up increasing your workload by not doing work.
I also guarantee this carries over into the evening, ruining your evening, free time, further stressing you out and you're just stuck in the cycle and this goes on and on every day, especially if you think this a lot. So, what do you get out of believing your boss is a terrible boss? Well first, you get to blame the fact that your work's not getting done on your boss, because they didn't hire more people or on the budget because there's not enough money or on the fact that there is not enough staff.
You blame any negative emotions you have about work on your boss, on the budget, on the short staff. You don't have to take a look at what you are or aren't doing around your work, whether it's efficient or not. You don't have to take any personal responsibility. But this also means that nothing will change. If you want to stick to believing your feelings are caused by other people's actions, you have that choice. But I want you to know that you're giving your power away.
You might as well go up to your boss in the morning and tell them exactly how you want to feel. Doing your coffee order, I'd like to feel happy today so in order to do that, this is how you need to act. How disempowering is that? You're putting yourself in a victim mindset. Telling yourself you're at the mercy of everyone else. Telling yourself that happiness is dependent on what other people say or do. And you can't control other people. Is that how you want to live?
Once you really see that it's your thoughts, creating your feelings, then you can change how you're feeling. You get to be in the driver's seat of your emotional life. You get to decide whether what your boss says or how they say it is going to ruin the rest of your day. You get to decide whether to drain your mental energy on something someone else said or did. You get to decide how to think and what to feel no matter what someone else says or does.
It doesn't mean you have to think everyone's amazing and everyone shits rainbows but it means you don't use them, you don't use other people and their behaviors, what they said to make you feel like shit. You can decide what you think about their behaviors and how you want to act. In this example we just went through. Do you have to think your boss is amazing? No. But when you look at the result of constantly thinking they're a terrible boss the result is you're not getting your work done. So to me, that's not a useful thought.
Doesn't mean you have to automatically think they're amazing, but it means maybe you want to stop thinking this thought especially over and over. You can still think that you would do it differently, that staffing should be a priority. You can still hold these beliefs if the result of believing them is not one you don't want. You need to look at the result of having these thoughts. You have to see how your thinking is creating the results you either want or don't want in your life.
You could think they're wrong, but I'm not going to let it ruin my day and go on with your work. You could choose to think, well, when I'm boss I'll make different decisions and let that motivate you to move up in your career to make change. There's a whole host of things you could think, that doesn't mean you're faking your feelings or your thoughts about them. Doesn't mean you change your core beliefs, just changes how you feel and how you show up.
The last thing I want to leave you on, is that if negative emotions aren't caused by other people's behaviors, then neither are positive emotions. Your happiness is not caused by the words your partner says. Your joy is not because your boss gave you positive feedback. Your calm is not because your mom didn't make a comment about your marital status today. It's because of your thoughts. Own that shit. Give yourself credit.
Create and practice more thoughts that give you joy and happiness and peace and calm. Stop depending on that to come from others, first because it doesn't. And second, because that's why those feelings feel fleeting. You can have more of those feelings. You can feel them more often. Create more sustainable and frequent experiences of joy for yourself. It's not dependent on anyone else, what they do or say. When other people say or do things and you have some feelings pop up, start to notice, start to ask, “What am I thinking? Get curious.
If you found this episode helpful then you have to check out my coaching program where I provide you individualized support to create a life centered around rest. Head on over to mckoolcoaching.com, that’s M-C-K-O-O-L coaching.com to learn more.
Hello everyone, as you are listening to this, the day it comes out I am heading to Europe. As those of you who have been listening for a while know, I am taking a sabbatical in the month of April, taking the whole month off. A couple of weeks I’m going to Europe, a couple of weeks I’m just relaxing, recalibrating, reflecting. And listen, if you're thinking, hey, I wish I could do that but I can’t because I’m not a faculty or I don't own my own business. That's not true.
One of the outcomes when I did intensive coaching, self-coaching when I first learned about it, the work I now do with clients with public health professionals. One of my outcomes from that work was I actually took a three week international vacation which was unheard of in my organization to take that much time off at once but I did it. I didn’t let barriers stop me. I made it happen because I detached from hustle culture and I really redefined rest for myself and I had the confidence to make it happen so you can too.
And if you want more rest, want more travel, want more relaxation, want more expansiveness, want more time, that is what coaching can help you with. So if you’re interested in that, check out my coaching program, mckoolcoaching.com, find out more. When I get back from sabbatical, we can chat. On the other note, let’s talk about today’s episode. We are continuing with the Rest Rewind series where I’m bringing up some of the most important episodes that you might have missed from the very beginning of this podcast.
Today you’re going to hear my episode on Other People and Your Feelings. One of the number one things, clients, students from my coaching program leave with when I ask them, “What was the biggest thing you got out of coaching?” One of the main things they say is, “Really seeing that other people don't cause my feelings and I don't cause theirs.” Especially as women where the patriarchy really socializes us to believe that (a) what matters is what other people think and feel about us and (b) we cause their thoughts and feelings so we have to be perfect.
The patriarchy really socializes us around that and it really causes us so much stress and overwhelm we are so unaware of. And when people come through my coaching program and they really learn this deeply, they don't cause other people's thoughts and feelings and other people don't cause theirs, it releases so much stress.
Now, today's episode we’re specifically diving into how other people don’t cause your feelings. So going into this Rest Rewind, I want you to think about someone in your life who you feel causes your feelings. Is it your boss and you think they make you frustrated and resentful? Is it your mom, do you think she makes you feel guilty? Is it a friend that you believe makes you feel annoyed and frustrated? Who is it, who in your life do you feel causes your emotions that you wish that person would change and be different so you could feel different?
I want you to think about that as you listen to this episode. So you can learn that they do not cause your feelings and that’s actually the most liberating freedom creating lesson you can learn. And when you implement it you get to experience that. So with that, let’s get into the episode.
Hey, everyone. How's it going? Happy Monday. Thanks again for tuning in, it means so much. I love getting the messages about how useful these episodes are for you. That is my whole goal with creating these is that they can help you. If you have found this helpful I would love if you could rate and review it wherever you listen so others can find it as well. Love to hear which episodes you're enjoying, what's your biggest takeaways.
So, how are we all doing on this Monday? I'm doing great. We had our last sexual violence, sexual harassment prevention committee meeting of the year today. This is a committee that I have chaired for the past two years at my organization. It's a new committee we developed. And it hasn't always been easy doing this work and building this committee but it's been so rewarding and today we did reflections. Everyone shared what they're most proud of, of the committee and how they were personally or professionally impacted by serving on the committee.
Honestly, I had to hold back tears. I'm a very emotional person. I cry a lot. I was so touched by what people said, particularly in this past year during the pandemic and being isolated, a number of folks shared how connected being involved in this committee helped them feel, especially for students or post-docs who feel a little bit more isolated coming into their position, or the program or even new staff. So that was just so touching and it's interesting to reflect back.
There were so many points over the two years that I led this committee that I had so much doubt and not in the committee, but in myself as a leader, and worry and anxiety and stress. I used thought work a lot to work through it, not 100%. I didn't always choose to do thought work. It's an area I actually avoided doing thought work in and I probably could have used a lot more in it. But at the end of this, at the end of these two years, I'm so proud of myself for really doing the work.
And not stopping and not quitting because my brain had mean thoughts or because it was uncomfortable, or because what we were trying to do was really shift power dynamics where we work. And that is uncomfortable and that takes time and courage and bravery to do so. So maybe in another episode, I'll kind of share some more lessons learned from that experience, but it was just such a touching wrap-up and I appreciated everyone sharing so much and it helped me reflect on my own journey as well.
So with that, I want to talk a little bit about today's episode. This episode might push some folks’ buttons and that's okay. You might feel some anger or frustration during this episode. I totally did too when I first learned this concept. And allow yourself to feel that way. I'm giving you permission. I hope you give yourself permission too.
We're going to be talking about how other people don't cause your feelings which also means, you don't cause other people's feelings. So I'm going to say that again. Other people don't cause your feelings. As I said, this was such a hard lesson for me. So I learned this lesson through my coach about three years ago. There were some folks in leadership positions at my organization who no longer work there, who I had so many thoughts about.
I felt so strongly that they weren't good at their jobs, that they were terrible supervisors and managers, they were completely unsupportive, the decisions they made did not take into account perspectives of others. They did not consider the workload of everyone before assigning tasks, so on and so forth. But what it resulted in was me being frustrated all the time, all the time by them. What I realized when I really began to understand the concept that other people don't cause your feelings, is that they weren't creating the frustration. I was creating the frustration for myself.
Once I really learned that, then I could change how I felt no matter what they did or didn't do. And I still kept some of my thoughts about them. Not that they were terrible people, but they weren't in the best job for their skillset. That created very different feelings for me, than they're terrible at their job. They're terrible managers.
Today I want to talk through this concept in different examples so you can see what I mean and how actually this is good news. To recap quickly last week, if you haven't listened to last week's episode, I encourage you to listen. You don't have to stop and go back right now, but it'll be really helpful. It's really the baseline. So we talked about data versus drama. What that episode talked about was how circumstances don't cause our feelings.
So dishes in the sink, that circumstance does not cause us frustration. What causes us frustration is the thought, there are dirty dishes in the sink. And of course not everyone feels frustration from thinking that thought but basically it is that, things outside of us, they don't cause our feelings. Circumstances do not cause our feelings. And circumstances do not cause our thoughts. How do we know this?
Well, the clearest example is not everyone has the same thoughts about a circumstance. If it was true, a circumstance caused our thoughts, everyone would have the same thought about that circumstance. There are people who think carbs are terrible for you and people who don't. There are people who think social media is a waste of time and people who think social media is a perfectly good use of time. There's some people who love Nickelback’s music and other people who hate their music.
Our thoughts about circumstances aren't truths. They aren't facts. They're optional. And what that means, it doesn't mean that you shouldn't think the thoughts you already think necessarily or it should be easy to switch your thoughts. What it means is recognizing that you're not committed or stuck with that thought forever if you don't want to be. They aren't fixed. They come and go. We can change them, if we want to.
So, if circumstances do not cause our feelings, what do? Say it together, everyone, our thoughts cause our feelings. Not other things, not circumstances, not people. How do we know? Well one person might feel frustrated using technology while someone else might feel connected. And that's because of how they're thinking. One person is thinking, I hate this fucking thing. And the other person is thinking, this is so cool, I'm so glad I get to talk to people.
One person feels joy when learning to cook and someone else feels dread. Because one person is thinking, I love learning how to cook. The other person is thinking I'm terrible at this. I hate this. I know when I explain this, a lot of my clients and a lot of my students, they get it intellectually but when we really narrow in on other people and how other people don't cause our feelings, that's where it can feel really sticky and we have some resistance. We believe to our core that other people cause our feelings.
We can see, okay, the technology, maybe isn't causing our feelings, it's our thoughts. But when it comes to our mother-in-law or our boss or a partner or a friend, that's where we really have a hard time seeing this lesson. Why do we believe other people cause our feelings and why do we believe it so strongly? There's a couple different reasons I think. When we're kids, we're dependent on our caretakers to provide for us. If you're five years old, you are dependent on your caretaker to make sure you feel safe, for example, by providing food, safe shelter, being kind to you, so on and so forth.
And when we're younger, when we're children, our brain is in development, it hasn't yet fully developed to take control, to come to consciousness, to be intentional, take responsibility for our own thoughts and how our thoughts impact our feelings, let alone our actions. And that's something as we grow up that we do learn how to take responsibility for our actions. But we don't really learn about the thoughts and feelings piece. We're not really taught that.
I also want to note that even in childhood, when children don't have full development to have emotional control, their feelings are also not caused by other people.
I think the best example, my friend, one of my college roommates, she has twins. I think they're almost two. We were FaceTiming the other day and she was explaining the story of one of her twins who started screaming because there was no lid, no top on his cup. And so she gets on the floor with him and puts the lid on. And then he starts screaming because there's a lid on the cup. So she takes the lid off and he starts screaming because he wants the lid on the cup. And that kept going on forever.
And that is such a perfect example. Even a toddler, that example shows that even their mom putting on a lid doesn't change their feelings. The other person, the parent, did not change the toddler's feelings. And of course, a toddler doesn't have consciousness to really recognize what they're thinking and express it, but it does connect to their feelings.
Then what happens when we start to get older, we hear mixed messages. So we're told as kids to tell someone else when they hurt our feelings. We are told that by our parents and in school. And then as you get older, therapy, particularly for example, couples therapy, or even media depicting couples therapy shows people being taught to tell your partner all the things they do or don't do and how they don't meet our needs, how they impact us, how they make us unhappy.
And then on the flipside, we hear a lot of mantras, like create your own happiness, don't steal your own joy. That do point to this aspect of, yeah, you have control over your feelings, but it's very mixed. We also have a lot of evidence that other people do cause our feelings. So when you go to share a situation and you're really upset that someone else did something, to your friends or your family, everyone we go tell that are close to us, they agree with us. They validate us. And that is messaging to our brain that other people cause our feelings.
In addition, when you tell your brain, something is someone else's fault. Your brain works to find that evidence. Your brain just follows your directive. Our brains are followers. We need to lead our brains. So unintentionally or unconsciously, you're telling your brain to find this evidence, that it's someone else's fault you feel terrible. Then your brain goes to look for that evidence and it filters out any evidence to the contrary.
I mean, how many times have you been telling someone about something someone else did, and maybe they're not validating you, maybe they're pointing out, well, what about this? Or maybe they meant that? And you get upset. You don't believe them. You don't even want to listen to it. You just go find someone else to tell, who agrees with you immediately. This happens all the time.
And then also another example. I know we've all had this happen, particularly with people that we see a lot. There's something that someone does that annoys you. Or really pisses you off. And then every little thing they do starts to annoy you, even things that didn't bother you beforehand. Like you can't stand the way it sounds when they're chewing or you can't stand the way they tap their foot or how they ask you a question about turning on the TV.
It's not them, your brain has become fixated on them being annoying and then attaches and sees everything they do as annoying. That's not them causing your feelings. It's you. It's your thoughts. We also do this and we're also attached to the concept that other people cause our feelings because it's an easy way out for our brain. When we put the blame for our feelings on others, we don't have to change. Our brain doesn't have to change.
Our brain has been thinking these thoughts for a long time. It wants to conserve energy. It doesn't want to change. And we don't have to accept the personal responsibility. And we want to avoid that because when we do learn we need to accept personal responsibility, the first thing we go to is shame and blame and guilt for ourselves, which feels terrible. So we try to avoid that at all costs.
So, let me share an example of how this works. Let's say there's a person in your office who's higher than you or a colleague that never listens to you, cuts you off as you talk, takes your ideas and plays them off as your own. Let's get more specific than that. Let's say at your last team meeting, you bring up the need for new staff to help reduce the workload. You start to share your experience of how many hours everyone's working and how there's so many deadlines that are being pushed back or missed, about how there's way too much work, how three people have left and their positions hadn't been refilled.
And you're explaining why you think it's needed. Then your supervisor jumps in and says, “No, we don't have the funding, leadership won't let us hire. We just have to do less with less.” Then they move on to the next agenda item and you're just sitting there thinking in your head. What the eff? You start to feel embarrassed, even pissed, annoyed, frustrated, dismissed. You're thinking, they shouldn't have done that. What the eff do you mean by less, with less? How can we do any less? You're such a terrible supervisor.
You just embarrassed me in front of everyone. And then I asked you why you were feeling embarrassed or pissed or annoyed or frustrated. You would say because they cut you off, because they don't listen, because they don't care. But it's not because of your supervisor that you feel that way. It's not because of the words they said. It's because of your thoughts. Thinking, they cut me off. They don't listen. They don't care. That's what creates your feelings.
How do we know? It's not guaranteed that everyone in that meeting feels exactly the same way as you or has the same thoughts as you, about it. It's not guaranteed that everyone outside of that room, even if they were in the meeting, would feel that way. And I know, I know. You think everyone would agree. This was me. And I had a lot of evidence for it. We'd go to happy hours and everyone would complain and everyone would ‘agree’ about our leadership and how a terrible job they're doing. Those were just my thoughts. Those were my colleagues' thoughts.
And now looking back, I was just hanging out with colleagues who would agree with me. There's plenty of other people in the organization who did not agree. And so in this situation, in this example, we're talking about, if your supervisor says, “We have a tight budget, the leadership won't approve, we can't do that”, and moves on. I'm guessing that the leadership in that organization, I bet a lot of them would not agree with you that they're a terrible supervisor.
I bet you, a lot of those leadership do not agree that they don't care. I bet you, a lot of those leadership would even think actually they do care a lot, because they're really thinking through the priorities and our budget constraints and not making false promises. They might even think that they're being realistic and transparent. Even someone else in the room who saw what happened, and who maybe even thinks that having staff would be helpful. They might not have the exact same thoughts and feelings as you. They might have the thought that sucks, but not feel angry at them.
Other people, those other people in the room, outside of the room, have other thoughts that create different feelings. It's not the person, what they said, what they did. It's our thoughts that create our feelings. Now does that mean that person's behavior is right or wrong? That supervisor's behavior of what they said and how they said it is right or wrong? I don't know. That's just another thought. The concept of right or wrong is just a thought. Not everyone agrees on what's right or wrong. Whether you think their behavior is right or wrong is a thought, it's an opinion.
And I'm not here to tell you if other people's behaviors are right or wrong. What I do know is their behavior is a circumstance. It's something outside of you. It's something you don't have control over. And it's a circumstance you're having a lot of thoughts about. Are these thoughts helpful? Is thinking that your supervisor shouldn't have done that helpful? Is thinking that they don't care useful? If those thoughts are creating feelings of anger and frustration. It's possible that these thoughts are not serving you, that they're not helpful.
Let's walk through what it would look like if these thoughts are not helpful. So in the meeting, the boss stops you and says, “No, we don't have funding, leadership won't let us hire. We just have to do less with less.” You start thinking they are a terrible supervisor and this is a thought you've probably thought a lot and have a lot of evidence for. And you start feeling really frustrated.
From that frustration, you then constantly think about how terrible they are. You build up the mental evidence of all the past things that they've done that prove that. You actually stopped listening to what they're saying in the meeting while you're ruminating on this. You even maybe start thinking about what everyone else in the room is thinking. And then once you do start re-listening, everything they say, you find something wrong with, to prove that they're a terrible supervisor. Even after the meeting, you go to whoever you know will agree with you to complain about how terrible they are.
When you go back to your desk, you just start thinking about it and how embarrassing it was, and you don't focus on your work. You don't get your work done. You start to dread your next meeting with the supervisor, let's say it's your one-on-one, you're dreading it. You don't prepare for it. What's the result of believing that they're a terrible supervisor and feeling frustrated? The actions that we just laid out, the result of all those actions is, you actually are being a terrible employee. And not from an organization point of view, but for yourself.
Is constantly ruminating on how terrible they are, is not listening in a meeting, is complaining to coworkers, is not doing your work, is not preparing for your meeting, does that sound like the type of employee you want to be? Does that sound like how you want to do your work and how you want to exist in your job? Believing this thought only creates results you don't want. Consistently thinking they're a terrible boss, does not make them a better boss, it only impacts you. It doesn't change anything about them.
And furthermore, it changes you, it changes your actions. You stop working, you can't concentrate. You don't focus. And, cherry on top, you're increasing your own workload by not doing your work because you're thinking this and feeling frustrated. The irony is, you wanted more staff to help you get your work done. But because you keep thinking your boss is terrible, they embarrassed you, they shouldn't have done that. The result of that is you don't listen, you don't do your work, you can't concentrate, you end up increasing your workload by not doing work.
I also guarantee this carries over into the evening, ruining your evening, free time, further stressing you out and you're just stuck in the cycle and this goes on and on every day, especially if you think this a lot. So, what do you get out of believing your boss is a terrible boss? Well first, you get to blame the fact that your work's not getting done on your boss, because they didn't hire more people or on the budget because there's not enough money or on the fact that there is not enough staff.
You blame any negative emotions you have about work on your boss, on the budget, on the short staff. You don't have to take a look at what you are or aren't doing around your work, whether it's efficient or not. You don't have to take any personal responsibility. But this also means that nothing will change. If you want to stick to believing your feelings are caused by other people's actions, you have that choice. But I want you to know that you're giving your power away.
You might as well go up to your boss in the morning and tell them exactly how you want to feel. Doing your coffee order, I'd like to feel happy today so in order to do that, this is how you need to act. How disempowering is that? You're putting yourself in a victim mindset. Telling yourself you're at the mercy of everyone else. Telling yourself that happiness is dependent on what other people say or do. And you can't control other people. Is that how you want to live?
Once you really see that it's your thoughts, creating your feelings, then you can change how you're feeling. You get to be in the driver's seat of your emotional life. You get to decide whether what your boss says or how they say it is going to ruin the rest of your day. You get to decide whether to drain your mental energy on something someone else said or did. You get to decide how to think and what to feel no matter what someone else says or does.
It doesn't mean you have to think everyone's amazing and everyone shits rainbows but it means you don't use them, you don't use other people and their behaviors, what they said to make you feel like shit. You can decide what you think about their behaviors and how you want to act. In this example we just went through. Do you have to think your boss is amazing? No. But when you look at the result of constantly thinking they're a terrible boss the result is you're not getting your work done. So to me, that's not a useful thought.
Doesn't mean you have to automatically think they're amazing, but it means maybe you want to stop thinking this thought especially over and over. You can still think that you would do it differently, that staffing should be a priority. You can still hold these beliefs if the result of believing them is not one you don't want. You need to look at the result of having these thoughts. You have to see how your thinking is creating the results you either want or don't want in your life.
You could think they're wrong, but I'm not going to let it ruin my day and go on with your work. You could choose to think, well, when I'm boss I'll make different decisions and let that motivate you to move up in your career to make change. There's a whole host of things you could think, that doesn't mean you're faking your feelings or your thoughts about them. Doesn't mean you change your core beliefs, just changes how you feel and how you show up.
The last thing I want to leave you on, is that if negative emotions aren't caused by other people's behaviors, then neither are positive emotions. Your happiness is not caused by the words your partner says. Your joy is not because your boss gave you positive feedback. Your calm is not because your mom didn't make a comment about your marital status today. It's because of your thoughts. Own that shit. Give yourself credit.
Create and practice more thoughts that give you joy and happiness and peace and calm. Stop depending on that to come from others, first because it doesn't. And second, because that's why those feelings feel fleeting. You can have more of those feelings. You can feel them more often. Create more sustainable and frequent experiences of joy for yourself. It's not dependent on anyone else, what they do or say. When other people say or do things and you have some feelings pop up, start to notice, start to ask, “What am I thinking? Get curious.
If you found this episode helpful then you have to check out my coaching program where I provide you individualized support to create a life centered around rest. Head on over to mckoolcoaching.com, that’s M-C-K-O-O-L coaching.com to learn more.
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