124. 6 Reminders for Going through Tough Times
Life throws us curveballs, and sometimes even things that we plan are stressful and hard. Tough times such as breakups, moving house, or processing a huge loss bring tremendous amounts of stress, emotions, and tension to your schedule.
This week, I offer 6 tips for going through tough times. When you are being challenged, it's helpful to have these tools in your kit, because honestly, we all need as much help as we can get sometimes.
Discover how to move through stressful times with more grace, ease, and care for yourself. Learn when to seek professional support, how to ask for what you need, and hear more tips for lessening the discomfort of challenging times.
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Do you want to stop working late and working through lunches? Do you want to have more control over your time? Click here to download my FREE Top 5 Calendar Tips! They are simple and effective, and you can implement them right away!
What You Will Discover:
Tips for moving through grief.
Why you don’t have to have it all together.
How to celebrate small successes in hard times.
Why grief shifts and changes.
When to reach out for professional help.
Resources:
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44. Experiencing Intense Emotions with Self-Care and Kindness
Full Episode Transcript:
Hey, you all, I’m Marissa McKool, and you’re listening to the Redefining Rest Podcast for Public Health Professionals. Here we believe rest is your right. You don’t have to earn it, you just have to learn how to take it and I’m going to teach you. Ready? Come along.
Welcome everyone. I am so glad you're here. How are you doing? If you clicked on this episode because of the title, you might not be doing so well. I hope by the end of this episode, not to say you'll feel better because we're not bypassing your feelings, but have some reminders that will help you.
But before we get into that, something a little more lighthearted. Y'all, I don't know about any of you, but I have been trying to use natural deodorant for the past two years, I am a self-proclaimed sweaty Betty. Sweating doesn't even bother me. When you grow up really sweaty, you just get used to it. It's the body odor.
Right before I sat down to record this, this morning I had a coaching call with a client from the Not Your average Productivity Course. Then I had a consultation for my one on one coaching program. I sat down to record this, and I could smell myself. I know probably TMI. I'm sorry some of you probably think that's really gross and maybe inappropriate to talk about on the podcast, but it's just been so bad lately, and I'm so over it.
I'm giving my last ditch effort. I've tried them all. I've tried Native. I've tried so many of them. There's two more brands I've heard good reviews from, they're expensive, from people I trust. They're my last ditch effort. I think they're called Hume and Lume. Very similar names. I literally went on an impulse shop and got them because I'm so over this.
So if you want to keep updated on my thoughts on that, come follow me on Instagram. I'm sure I'll be sharing on my stories more inappropriateness about my thoughts about this at PublicHealthCoach if you don't already follow me. So we're good. I went and took care of it. I smell much better now. So now I can be here, present with all of you and not distracted by how frustrating natural deodorant is.
Anyways, that was a big left turn. We're coming back. We’re coming back to the road. Let's talk about some ways you can help yourself move through tough times. I know a lot of people are going through really tough times right now. A lot of you have reached out and told me. We've chatted on LinkedIn a lot. Many of my clients are. I'm also facing some big challenges recently.
So I wanted to make this episode of reminders or tips or guidance, whatever you want to call it, of navigating whatever challenge you are facing. Some of you might have lost a loved one recently or suffered another tragedy like losing your home. Maybe you've been diagnosed with an illness or someone close to you has. Maybe you've lost your job or been unemployed for a long time, some of you are going through a breakup or a divorce. Even some things like buying a house or selling a house or moving are considered one of the top 10 most stressful events you can experience.
Of course with everything happening in the economy, a lot of people are having financial struggles. So I thought a little bit about the conversations I've had recently, some of the coaching where this has come up, some of the LinkedIn messages where this has come up. I put together this short list all in one place of the coaching tips or reminders that may help you.
Feel free to take what you think is useful and leave the rest. Some of these tips might be really helpful now, but others maybe it's not the right time for them. You can always come back to them later. If you have a friend or colleague or someone you know who's going through a really tough time, please send them this podcast episode so they can also get these reminders.
Okay, so this is in no particular order. The first piece is accepting what is. When we experience a big life stressor, what makes it even harder is resisting the reality of it. This can look like ruminating on what happened or constantly wishing it didn't happen. It can look like resenting someone or something. It keeps you stuck. It increases your emotional suffering.
Accepting what it means accepting the fact that this thing happened. Accepting you got fired, accepting your house burned down. Accepting is not the same as condoning. I can accept that I got fired while not condoning how my boss handled it. I can accept that my partner left me while not condoning how they treated me.
Because what has happened has happened. We don't have a time machine to go back and change it. Resisting the truth that that thing happened, yes, it's sucky. We're not denying that. But the truth is that thing happened, whatever it was. Resisting that and spending so much time wishing it was different is just making it harder for you to move through this stuff called time.
The second piece, allow your emotions. We are taught to suppress, to avoid, and ignore our emotions in general, but especially “negative” emotions. So of course, when we're facing a big life stressor or going through a really challenging time, this is our instinct. But this is not helping you. Pretending you don't feel sad isn't going to make the sadness go away. Suppressing your anger isn't going to make the anger go away. Trying to avoid the anxiety by cleaning everything isn't going to make things go away.
In fact, it often just increases the intensity of it. Allowing emotions doesn't necessarily mean you sit in a room all day doing nothing. Although it can. Like if you need that and you have the space to do it, go for it. But allowing the emotions, more often than not, means recognizing them, giving them space in your body, not making them a problem, allowing them to come with you throughout the day.
That might mean crying in the bathroom at work or feeling a big knot in your stomach while with your family. Processing the emotions is such an important part of moving through this challenging time in your life. Your body is designed to process emotions. It's your mind that doesn't want to.
If you want more help with this, I want you to go, after this episode, go listen to my podcast episode, I think it's number 44. We'll leave a link in the show notes. Called Experiencing Intense Emotions. That will help you understand what it looks like.
Number three, give yourself some grace, some compassion, some empathy. You might not be your best self during this time. You might be reactive or raise your voice or make decisions you don't love or slack off at work. That is okay. You are a human going through very human and very hard things. You don't need to be perfect. You need to be human.
It's not going to help to try to shame yourself or put yourself down for what you have or haven't done during this time. Life can be fucking hard and being human can be fucking hard. You're in it right now. You're not going to be the most put together version of yourself, and that's okay. You don't have to. You might not be as aware or thoughtful or on top of things. That's okay.
Sometimes we are a mess. Life is a mess. We have to let ourselves be a mess. Doesn't mean anything's wrong with you. You don't always have to have it all together, especially when you're navigating these big challenging life things.
Okay, I think we're on number four. Number four, ask for or give yourself what you need. I've recently had several clients who are going through really challenging times. They've pushed back meetings or asked to reschedule and a number of different things. I've been so deeply proud of them for doing that.
Because I know how hard it can be to ask for what you need, especially socialized as a woman working in a helping profession. When the world tells you not to procrastinate, to be consistent, to be “professional”, to hustle, to be productive, to do it all, no excuses.
Putting yourself first when life has thrown a thunderstorm at you is one of the most important things you can do. I know it can feel hard to open that umbrella. It might be asking for help from family or friends when you're used to being the caretaker. I struggle with this too. But you do have people in your corner who are 100% there for you to show up for you.
Sometimes it just means asking you to cancel a coffee meet up or to cry on the phone or asking them to do something for you or to not say something. It's also about giving yourself what you need. Sometimes that's by asking someone else, but sometimes it's just taking it yourself. Saying no to a meeting invite, ignoring some emails for a day, watching Netflix on the couch, letting calls go to voicemail. Whatever it is you need. When you are used to being the caretaker of everything and everyone else, this piece can be hard, but you can do it.
Okay, number five, recognize where you have shown up for yourself. I promise in the face of these challenges, of this adversity, you have shown up for yourself, celebrate that. If celebrate feels too much, at least acknowledge it, recognize it. Even if you've been stressed about moving because your landlord is kicking you out, how have you shown up for yourself that you can be proud of? Even if you've been grieving the loss of a loved one, how have you shown up for yourself? Because you have.
Maybe you've continued to go to the gym because you know it helps you process your emotions. Maybe you've spent more time with your granddaughter because it brings you a little light in this period of darkness. Maybe you opted out of a planned trip because you knew it would be too much. Whatever it is, I am so proud of you.
Yes things suck right now, but you are showing up for you. Not perfectly, but in small ways. That's what matters. You don't have to be perfect. It's doing those small things for you where you support yourself. It's important to celebrate that. You can continue to. You can continue to be there for yourself and figure out what you need to get through this tough time.
Number six, this won't last forever. This might be one of the only constants in life, or one of them, nothing lasts forever. Here is what I mean. Your experience of this won't last forever. How you are grieving now won't be how you grieve in three months. That person you lost still might be gone. That sadness and missing them still might be there, but your experience of it will change. It will evolve.
For some of you, you will eventually get a job or be settled in your new house or move on from a breakup. Life is constantly changing. Your life is constantly changing. Your experience of it is. Your experience of this difficult time will pass. That's not to say there won't be difficulties ahead, or you'll forget about this. That's not what I'm saying at all. It's to say it won't be the exact same. It will evolve. It will change. It will morph.
So that emotion you feel now, what you feel now, what you're struggling with now, that place you feel stuck and will change. You'll be able to move forward. A time will come where you can experience more joy and happiness and light and whatever else will come into your life. This darkness you're in won't last forever.
Here's the last thing I'll say. I know this is a short and sweet episode, but I think that's really important when taking in these reminders when you're in a difficult spot in life. If you need professional support to move through this tough time, I want you to get it. There are resources out there for you. I'm not necessarily talking about coaching.
Depending on what you're going through, coaching might not be the right support. If you've lost someone, grief therapy with a therapist is probably a better support. If you need support with your depression, a coach might not be the right person. You get to decide what support is best for you. Do you need support in couples therapy? Do you need support for your ADHD or something else? There are professional resources available to you. There's no shame in seeking them.
Several years ago, when my mom became suddenly ill, and I moved across the country to take care of her. We didn't know if she was going to live. She did, but it was extremely, extremely stressful. She was in the ICU for several weeks. She was extremely depressed. I was still working full time, taking care of her, dealing with insurance, all of that. I ended up starting therapy. It was hard to make that decision, but it was so important.
Those resources were there. It didn't mean anything was wrong with me. It didn't mean I wasn't strong enough. It didn't mean I was overreacting. All it meant was that I was supporting myself and getting the resources I needed to move forward in my life. You can too.
If there's any time to get professional support, facing these big life stressors and challenges is definitely one of them. Some of you might already be in therapy, or have completed that level of professional services, and you're kind of moving on to the next phase, and you want additional support. That might be when coaching could come in, right? It's different to person to person. It also might be podcasts like this one or books or asking for work accommodations or something else.
So I want you to check in with yourself and see what it is you need. Again, if you know someone going through a difficult time, big life stressor, big change, whether it's a friend, a colleague, a family member, I really want you to send them this podcast episode.
Lastly, before we go. The past couple weeks, I have been reading out one podcast review per episode as a thank you to those of you who have taken time out to review the podcast. This helps so, so much. I don't make any money off this podcast. It actually costs me a lot of money to produce. I just say that to share I'm doing it because I want to support you all. I want to bring this free resource to you. I want more people to have access to it.
One of the things you can do to help me achieve that goal is rate and review the podcast. That helps other people find it and see that it would be worth listening to and hit that play button or hit that subscribe. So I cannot thank you all enough, those of you who have rated and reviewed. It helps so much. It means so much to me.
It's difficult to express. Unless you've hosted a podcast, it's probably hard to understand how much it means to get a review and for all of you who have been enjoying the podcast to take time out to do that. So I cannot thank you enough from the bottom of my heart.
So today's review is from Emma Gillean, hope I'm saying that right. They wrote, “The social media episode helped me put into words and practice the detox I need from social media to cleanse my brain and truly rest. Thank you.” Well, thank you, Emma for writing that review. That podcast episode has a dear place in my heart too because that came out of a lot of work I did on myself on my attachment to social media. So I'm so glad it's helping you and others. So with that, I'll leave you all for the week. I'll talk to you next week. Bye everyone.
If you found this episode helpful then you have to check out my coaching program where I provide you individualized support to create a life centered around rest. Head on over to mckoolcoaching.com, that’s M-C-K-O-O-L coaching.com to learn more.
Welcome everyone. I am so glad you're here. How are you doing? If you clicked on this episode because of the title, you might not be doing so well. I hope by the end of this episode, not to say you'll feel better because we're not bypassing your feelings, but have some reminders that will help you.
But before we get into that, something a little more lighthearted. Y'all, I don't know about any of you, but I have been trying to use natural deodorant for the past two years, I am a self-proclaimed sweaty Betty. Sweating doesn't even bother me. When you grow up really sweaty, you just get used to it. It's the body odor.
Right before I sat down to record this, this morning I had a coaching call with a client from the Not Your average Productivity Course. Then I had a consultation for my one on one coaching program. I sat down to record this, and I could smell myself. I know probably TMI. I'm sorry some of you probably think that's really gross and maybe inappropriate to talk about on the podcast, but it's just been so bad lately, and I'm so over it.
I'm giving my last ditch effort. I've tried them all. I've tried Native. I've tried so many of them. There's two more brands I've heard good reviews from, they're expensive, from people I trust. They're my last ditch effort. I think they're called Hume and Lume. Very similar names. I literally went on an impulse shop and got them because I'm so over this.
So if you want to keep updated on my thoughts on that, come follow me on Instagram. I'm sure I'll be sharing on my stories more inappropriateness about my thoughts about this at PublicHealthCoach if you don't already follow me. So we're good. I went and took care of it. I smell much better now. So now I can be here, present with all of you and not distracted by how frustrating natural deodorant is.
Anyways, that was a big left turn. We're coming back. We’re coming back to the road. Let's talk about some ways you can help yourself move through tough times. I know a lot of people are going through really tough times right now. A lot of you have reached out and told me. We've chatted on LinkedIn a lot. Many of my clients are. I'm also facing some big challenges recently.
So I wanted to make this episode of reminders or tips or guidance, whatever you want to call it, of navigating whatever challenge you are facing. Some of you might have lost a loved one recently or suffered another tragedy like losing your home. Maybe you've been diagnosed with an illness or someone close to you has. Maybe you've lost your job or been unemployed for a long time, some of you are going through a breakup or a divorce. Even some things like buying a house or selling a house or moving are considered one of the top 10 most stressful events you can experience.
Of course with everything happening in the economy, a lot of people are having financial struggles. So I thought a little bit about the conversations I've had recently, some of the coaching where this has come up, some of the LinkedIn messages where this has come up. I put together this short list all in one place of the coaching tips or reminders that may help you.
Feel free to take what you think is useful and leave the rest. Some of these tips might be really helpful now, but others maybe it's not the right time for them. You can always come back to them later. If you have a friend or colleague or someone you know who's going through a really tough time, please send them this podcast episode so they can also get these reminders.
Okay, so this is in no particular order. The first piece is accepting what is. When we experience a big life stressor, what makes it even harder is resisting the reality of it. This can look like ruminating on what happened or constantly wishing it didn't happen. It can look like resenting someone or something. It keeps you stuck. It increases your emotional suffering.
Accepting what it means accepting the fact that this thing happened. Accepting you got fired, accepting your house burned down. Accepting is not the same as condoning. I can accept that I got fired while not condoning how my boss handled it. I can accept that my partner left me while not condoning how they treated me.
Because what has happened has happened. We don't have a time machine to go back and change it. Resisting the truth that that thing happened, yes, it's sucky. We're not denying that. But the truth is that thing happened, whatever it was. Resisting that and spending so much time wishing it was different is just making it harder for you to move through this stuff called time.
The second piece, allow your emotions. We are taught to suppress, to avoid, and ignore our emotions in general, but especially “negative” emotions. So of course, when we're facing a big life stressor or going through a really challenging time, this is our instinct. But this is not helping you. Pretending you don't feel sad isn't going to make the sadness go away. Suppressing your anger isn't going to make the anger go away. Trying to avoid the anxiety by cleaning everything isn't going to make things go away.
In fact, it often just increases the intensity of it. Allowing emotions doesn't necessarily mean you sit in a room all day doing nothing. Although it can. Like if you need that and you have the space to do it, go for it. But allowing the emotions, more often than not, means recognizing them, giving them space in your body, not making them a problem, allowing them to come with you throughout the day.
That might mean crying in the bathroom at work or feeling a big knot in your stomach while with your family. Processing the emotions is such an important part of moving through this challenging time in your life. Your body is designed to process emotions. It's your mind that doesn't want to.
If you want more help with this, I want you to go, after this episode, go listen to my podcast episode, I think it's number 44. We'll leave a link in the show notes. Called Experiencing Intense Emotions. That will help you understand what it looks like.
Number three, give yourself some grace, some compassion, some empathy. You might not be your best self during this time. You might be reactive or raise your voice or make decisions you don't love or slack off at work. That is okay. You are a human going through very human and very hard things. You don't need to be perfect. You need to be human.
It's not going to help to try to shame yourself or put yourself down for what you have or haven't done during this time. Life can be fucking hard and being human can be fucking hard. You're in it right now. You're not going to be the most put together version of yourself, and that's okay. You don't have to. You might not be as aware or thoughtful or on top of things. That's okay.
Sometimes we are a mess. Life is a mess. We have to let ourselves be a mess. Doesn't mean anything's wrong with you. You don't always have to have it all together, especially when you're navigating these big challenging life things.
Okay, I think we're on number four. Number four, ask for or give yourself what you need. I've recently had several clients who are going through really challenging times. They've pushed back meetings or asked to reschedule and a number of different things. I've been so deeply proud of them for doing that.
Because I know how hard it can be to ask for what you need, especially socialized as a woman working in a helping profession. When the world tells you not to procrastinate, to be consistent, to be “professional”, to hustle, to be productive, to do it all, no excuses.
Putting yourself first when life has thrown a thunderstorm at you is one of the most important things you can do. I know it can feel hard to open that umbrella. It might be asking for help from family or friends when you're used to being the caretaker. I struggle with this too. But you do have people in your corner who are 100% there for you to show up for you.
Sometimes it just means asking you to cancel a coffee meet up or to cry on the phone or asking them to do something for you or to not say something. It's also about giving yourself what you need. Sometimes that's by asking someone else, but sometimes it's just taking it yourself. Saying no to a meeting invite, ignoring some emails for a day, watching Netflix on the couch, letting calls go to voicemail. Whatever it is you need. When you are used to being the caretaker of everything and everyone else, this piece can be hard, but you can do it.
Okay, number five, recognize where you have shown up for yourself. I promise in the face of these challenges, of this adversity, you have shown up for yourself, celebrate that. If celebrate feels too much, at least acknowledge it, recognize it. Even if you've been stressed about moving because your landlord is kicking you out, how have you shown up for yourself that you can be proud of? Even if you've been grieving the loss of a loved one, how have you shown up for yourself? Because you have.
Maybe you've continued to go to the gym because you know it helps you process your emotions. Maybe you've spent more time with your granddaughter because it brings you a little light in this period of darkness. Maybe you opted out of a planned trip because you knew it would be too much. Whatever it is, I am so proud of you.
Yes things suck right now, but you are showing up for you. Not perfectly, but in small ways. That's what matters. You don't have to be perfect. It's doing those small things for you where you support yourself. It's important to celebrate that. You can continue to. You can continue to be there for yourself and figure out what you need to get through this tough time.
Number six, this won't last forever. This might be one of the only constants in life, or one of them, nothing lasts forever. Here is what I mean. Your experience of this won't last forever. How you are grieving now won't be how you grieve in three months. That person you lost still might be gone. That sadness and missing them still might be there, but your experience of it will change. It will evolve.
For some of you, you will eventually get a job or be settled in your new house or move on from a breakup. Life is constantly changing. Your life is constantly changing. Your experience of it is. Your experience of this difficult time will pass. That's not to say there won't be difficulties ahead, or you'll forget about this. That's not what I'm saying at all. It's to say it won't be the exact same. It will evolve. It will change. It will morph.
So that emotion you feel now, what you feel now, what you're struggling with now, that place you feel stuck and will change. You'll be able to move forward. A time will come where you can experience more joy and happiness and light and whatever else will come into your life. This darkness you're in won't last forever.
Here's the last thing I'll say. I know this is a short and sweet episode, but I think that's really important when taking in these reminders when you're in a difficult spot in life. If you need professional support to move through this tough time, I want you to get it. There are resources out there for you. I'm not necessarily talking about coaching.
Depending on what you're going through, coaching might not be the right support. If you've lost someone, grief therapy with a therapist is probably a better support. If you need support with your depression, a coach might not be the right person. You get to decide what support is best for you. Do you need support in couples therapy? Do you need support for your ADHD or something else? There are professional resources available to you. There's no shame in seeking them.
Several years ago, when my mom became suddenly ill, and I moved across the country to take care of her. We didn't know if she was going to live. She did, but it was extremely, extremely stressful. She was in the ICU for several weeks. She was extremely depressed. I was still working full time, taking care of her, dealing with insurance, all of that. I ended up starting therapy. It was hard to make that decision, but it was so important.
Those resources were there. It didn't mean anything was wrong with me. It didn't mean I wasn't strong enough. It didn't mean I was overreacting. All it meant was that I was supporting myself and getting the resources I needed to move forward in my life. You can too.
If there's any time to get professional support, facing these big life stressors and challenges is definitely one of them. Some of you might already be in therapy, or have completed that level of professional services, and you're kind of moving on to the next phase, and you want additional support. That might be when coaching could come in, right? It's different to person to person. It also might be podcasts like this one or books or asking for work accommodations or something else.
So I want you to check in with yourself and see what it is you need. Again, if you know someone going through a difficult time, big life stressor, big change, whether it's a friend, a colleague, a family member, I really want you to send them this podcast episode.
Lastly, before we go. The past couple weeks, I have been reading out one podcast review per episode as a thank you to those of you who have taken time out to review the podcast. This helps so, so much. I don't make any money off this podcast. It actually costs me a lot of money to produce. I just say that to share I'm doing it because I want to support you all. I want to bring this free resource to you. I want more people to have access to it.
One of the things you can do to help me achieve that goal is rate and review the podcast. That helps other people find it and see that it would be worth listening to and hit that play button or hit that subscribe. So I cannot thank you all enough, those of you who have rated and reviewed. It helps so much. It means so much to me.
It's difficult to express. Unless you've hosted a podcast, it's probably hard to understand how much it means to get a review and for all of you who have been enjoying the podcast to take time out to do that. So I cannot thank you enough from the bottom of my heart.
So today's review is from Emma Gillean, hope I'm saying that right. They wrote, “The social media episode helped me put into words and practice the detox I need from social media to cleanse my brain and truly rest. Thank you.” Well, thank you, Emma for writing that review. That podcast episode has a dear place in my heart too because that came out of a lot of work I did on myself on my attachment to social media. So I'm so glad it's helping you and others. So with that, I'll leave you all for the week. I'll talk to you next week. Bye everyone.
If you found this episode helpful then you have to check out my coaching program where I provide you individualized support to create a life centered around rest. Head on over to mckoolcoaching.com, that’s M-C-K-O-O-L coaching.com to learn more.
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125. “If I Don’t Do It, No One Will”...and Other Public Health Lies
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