34. Dealing with Difficult People
As someone who works in the public health field, dealing with difficult people might be your daily reality. And with the holiday season coming up, this experience might be heightened for you. Whether it’s extended family you don’t usually see, old friends, or someone in a leadership position you hate working with, I think we can all relate to this experience.
But the truth is that no one is inherently difficult. I know you probably want to argue with me and resist this, but hear me out. Staying in this place of believing those people in your life are difficult is causing you unnecessary suffering, so this week, I’m offering a process you can use to navigate those relationships differently.
Listen in today to discover why we have to detach ourselves from the belief that someone in our lives is difficult. I’m showing you the thought errors in play when you believe someone is difficult, and how to reframe these thoughts to create a more peaceful, empowering emotional experience because this option is always available to you if you choose.
If you’re struggling at work, burnt out, overwhelmed, hate your boss, or at the end of your rope after a year-and-a-half of dealing with a pandemic, I have an amazing free course beginning in 2022. It’s packed with simple, direct content that you can easily consume over your lunch break to help you feel better and less stressed in 2022. Join the 2022 course waitlist here!
What You Will Discover:
What makes a person difficult.
What’s happening when you believe someone is difficult.
How believing someone is difficult is causing you unnecessary suffering.
Why a person is not inherently difficult.
What actually causes your feelings.
The 4 options available to you when navigating a difficult relationship.
5 steps to dealing with your brain when it offers the thought that someone is difficult.
Resources:
Full Episode Transcript:
If you're two to five years out of your MPH degree, love public health, but find yourself secretly unhappy at work and maybe even thinking about quitting your job, then this is the podcast for you. I'm Marissa McKool, host of the Thoughts Are Your Root Cause podcast. Join me each week as I share tips, tools, and resources to help you have the career you've always dreamed of without any of the stress you are experiencing right now. Come along.
Hello everyone, welcome back, another episode Thoughts Are Your Root Cause podcast. I am so glad you're tuning in. It is crazy to think 2021 is almost over. Is it just me or, does it feel like 2021 and 2020 was just one very long year? Like 2021 I think my brain still thinks it's part of 2020. And I have been doing some work around this because I'm noticing so many folks have vaccinations. Many workplaces are opening back up, most restaurants and whatnot are open. Where I am in the Barrio, which I feel like is one of the strictest areas in the country. I think my brain still thinks it's pandemic, still very much in hermit vibes, not doing much, but now that 2022 is coming upon us, it's tripping me out a little bit.
Am I alone in this? I don't think so, it thinks especially folks in public health, it's like shellshock almost, like when can we stick our turtle heads out of the shell and be like okay, everything's cool, can I come out? It's just trippy when you think about it. Maybe it's just me? Maybe all of you are listening to this going. What's going on with her? But yeah, I can't believe it. I hope you're taking some time over the next couple of weeks to reflect on your year, think about it, acknowledge all of the amazing things you've done.
I'm serious like there's been challenge after challenge for everyone, particularly folks in public health, the workplace, and at home. So, I really hope you take some time to acknowledge the fact that you were there for yourself. You showed up for yourself. Even when it was hard. Even when it was challenging, even when you're sad or in grief, shock, or anxiety. That you were there for yourself, and you felt those emotions, and it wasn't easy, but you did it. You've got through some challenging things from work; changes, maybe a loss of funding, or a job, or new leadership, or new structure, or hybrid work, all of those things. I really hope you take some time as 2021 winds down to just reflect and give yourself some props for what you've been through and what you've gone through.
As a whole field in public health, I'm just so proud of us at what we've accomplished and accomplished and how we've gone through it. I know it hasn't been easy, and I know it's really challenging. Many of us are burnt out, but I really just am so proud to be a part of the public health community. It's just most amazing people and amazing feel doing great work. And I hope you're proud of it too.
So, with that, this episode kind of relates to that. Dealing with difficult people. Today we're going to talk about how to deal with difficult people, which I know has been part of the challenge this past year, two years. So, you know we all have different difficult people in our lives. And in public health these past years, some of you may have felt the public has been difficult, right? The communities we're trying to serve and help get testing and vaccinations for COVID have been difficult. Or it might be your neighbors, friends, family members, or your colleagues or bosses that you're finding difficult. It's okay. Everyone has difficult people in their lives.
Specifically, as this podcast is coming out, you might be interacting with family or friends, people you don't often see, like extended family or old high school friends for holiday celebrations. You might not, but if you're in that group, there might be other difficult people you're not always having to be around that you're now going to see. And that's an additional challenge. You might have also been struggling this past year with a difficult person. Whether it's a manager, team member, or a boss, or a leadership person.
We all have difficult people in our lives. And we are all a difficult person in someone else's life. I know we hate to admit it, but it is true. So, let's talk about what a difficult person is. And this is kind of a trick question that you might not like the answer to, which is okay. I just ask that you stick with me. Because people themselves are not difficult. I know, I know, your brain can't compute it's okay. People are just people, people who say things and do things.
What makes people—what makes them difficult is our thoughts about them, our brain. Our brain has a thought about someone else and their actions or behaviors or what they say or their opinions, our brain has a thought about how they treat us, or something they did, or didn't do, something they said, our brain doesn't like that they don't listen to us, or they don't respond to us, or they don't do things our way, or they say things in a certain tone, our brain is what decides that someone else is difficult.
Even if you think, well, everyone thinks they're difficult, I'm sorry to say, that doesn't make them difficult. It just means there's more than one brain who has a thought the person is difficult. They're probably many more brains than you are willing to explore, maybe brains of people you know or don't know, who do not think that person is difficult. Someone being difficult is a thought. And I think that's really important to be clear about.
People their essence and who they are is not difficult. It's your brain that makes engaging with them or experiencing that person difficult because of the thoughts you have. Okay, so let me explain by starting with a brief story. Many years ago, I had a boss that I thought was the most difficult boss to have. It seemed to me that they thought, no matter day or time it was, they could reach out to me. Or that they never even thought about checking the day or time and if it was appropriate to reach out to me.
So, they would email me, text me, call me as needed; nights and weekends. They even do it when I was on vacation and when they were supposed to be on vacation. On holidays, on evenings, weekends, and this drove me nuts; not going to lie, I thought they were so difficult to work with because of this; because they didn't respect my time or boundaries, they expected me to always be available, didn't recognize when things were truly urgent, or could wait till Monday. They were impatient. They were inconsiderate.
And I thought if they didn't do that if they were different. They only reached out during working hours if they didn't text me or call me. If they respected those boundaries, then I would feel a lot better, that work would feel better, our work would be better, and our relationship would be better. Well, fast forward, years later, I had a new boss who did all of those things. He didn't text me when I was on vacation. He didn't call me on the weekends. Who didn't email me at 11 p.m., exactly what I had wanted?
But guess what, I thought she was so difficult because of it; isn't that hilarious. Because what I then saw, what my brain then saw, was that because they didn't text me right when they remembered something, right, they may be remembered something, right, like they may be remembered something Tuesday night, and they were like oh, okay, I'll contact Marissa in the morning. They forgot they forgot a lot of things. They were supposed to follow up the next day, or Monday, and then they would totally forget.
Then, a week later, be like, oh my gosh, I forgot to tell you, but we need this tomorrow. Or oh my gosh, I didn't give you that feedback, and I had a deadline, right? They would notice we have a deadline over an upcoming break, so maybe, you know, it was an office closure. And we had an internal deadline, and they said, well, I'm not available to help; I'll be on vacation. Which meant that I did it solo. And they were not available for support. Even on things that required then, I couldn't do because of my position.
I also didn't check emails outside of working hours, so they never saw it in time to help out when something was urgent. And I was there scrambling on what to do; I couldn't get ahold of them. So, what I wanted, I got. They didn't expect me to check emails outside of working hours. They didn't expect me to have to do anything while I was on vacation. They didn't text me on the nights and weekends. But on the flipside of that, I got a lot of things late. I didn't get help when there's urgent issues like all these other things that happened, and my brain hated it.
I thought it was so difficult to work with here. And guess what, it wasn't them. It wasn't my first boss, and it wasn't this boss. That was difficult, that was my brain. Isn't that ironic? My brain thought both of them were difficult with two bosses, complete opposite behaviors. That if their behaviors were different. I would feel better that work would be easier. They were not difficult. My thoughts about them, about their behaviors, and their actions what were difficult. My thoughts about them were creating my frustration, dread, annoyance, and judgment.
Here's the thing, with both bosses, I felt the same. I was frustrated and irritated, just mental and annoyed. They were two completely different people that took two completely different actions. But I had the same thoughts and feelings about them both. Because it wasn't them, it was me and my brain. We so badly want people to be different, act different, say things differently, and what we don't realize that even if they did, or even if we thought we got what we wanted from someone else. Our brain still finds a way to think there is something wrong; that they are difficult, what they are doing is a problem. That's because other people don't cause your feelings; your brain does. Someone not texting you back doesn't make them difficult. Your thought that it is a problem they're not texting you back is what makes your life difficult.
So, I am going to break this down even further because we have been so ingrained with this belief that other people cause your feelings. It takes some baby steps to really work through this and detach it. Which is totally fine, totally normal, so I am going to go through five steps for dealing with your brain when it thinks someone is difficult. And what I want you to do as I'm going through this is, think of one specific person you find difficult. And by that, I mean maybe you're always frustrated by them, or you dread having to be around them, or you're always thinking of the things they're doing wrong. This could be a parent, old friend, boss, coworker, partner, right, anyone. Just think of one person, and as I go through these steps, think about the different steps in relation to your thoughts about them.
So, step one, first, you have to recognize that what is happening is you believe someone should be different. You believe that person should be different. So, for example, believing your brother-in-law shouldn't talk about politics at dinner. And if I asked you why you believe that, you might say, well, dinner would be better if there wasn't talk about politics or everyone gets upset when he does it. Or I hear it enough at work. I need a break.
But no matter the "reasons," the bottom line is, and what I want you to see is you believe that person should be different. For example, your brother-in-law talks about politics at dinner, and you believe he shouldn't. Or believing your boss shouldn't send you emails after 5 P.M. You might say well, work would be better if your boss didn't send you emails at that time, or you wouldn't be as stressed, or you'd get more done if you weren't constantly having to respond to them.
Again, no matter your "reasons," what's happening is you believe your boss should be different. Your boss texts you after 5 p.m., and you believe they shouldn't do that. So, here's the thought error that I'm seeing, and by thought error, I mean, where you're kind of missing the reality of what's going on in your brain. And that is you believe that these are just facts. When really, they're just thoughts.
And that is what's causing you so much suffering because they're not facts. They're opinions that you hold; they are thoughts that you have in your brain. They are optional beliefs you have about someone else. It's not a fact in the world. Not everyone would agree that everyone should do that. In my examples, that person, the person you're thinking of, or the brother-in-law and the boss. They clearly don't agree cause' they're doing that behavior. Believing that they shouldn't be a certain way is what's causing you so much suffering. Because they are that way.
That person is that way, and you believe they shouldn't be. So, reality and your belief are butting heads. And you end up experiencing so much frustration, dread, anxiety, or anger when you're thinking of that person. When you are noticing what they are or aren't doing. When you're spending time with them. When you're telling yourself about what they should be doing or shouldn't be doing, right?
You have to first take time to see that you have an underlying belief that someone should be different, and you think this is a fact in the world. When it's not. Then step two, recognizing that these are thought and not facts, and think about them as thoughts. And what I mean by that is, go from thinking they shouldn't do that to having thoughts about their behavior. You almost have to narrate yourself with what's going on.
Which is you are having a thought in your brain about a person. And reframing your thoughts that way to yourself about what actually is happening, which is a thought, helps you start to recognize the reality of what's going on in your brain. Going from they should wait until tomorrow to text me to, I have a thought that they should wait until tomorrow to text me. You notice the difference. One is framed as if it's a fact in the world. One is framed as noticing you're having a thought about that person. I know it sounds really silly and unnecessary, but it's not. And that's because of this thought error. You are believing when you think about that person. What they're doing as a fact in the world they shouldn't be doing, you are then believing that the circumstance that person and their behaviors create your feelings. And you're not recognizing that the thought you're having about that person is what creates your feelings.
And what you have to start to learn is their actions; what they do, say, don't do, don't say, does not create your thoughts and feelings. That your brain has thoughts that create your feelings, and the best way to do this is to rewire your brain, reframe this, and constantly reframe your thoughts to yourself. When you notice your thoughts, you notice what's going on to say I'm thinking they should do this. I'm having thoughts they shouldn't do that. I'm noticing my brain wants to think that they need to do this.
You don't have to do it out loud but do it in your head when you notice what's going on. I know it sounds tedious, but one of the things we'll do is help you emotionally; you will see how your emotions shift in your body. Your frustration just tweaks a little bit, a little lighter. And it also detaches the belief in your brain that it's an absolute fact that they should be different. You have to detach that idea that's a fact and start to see it as a thought to change your experience.
And then step three is recognizing your thoughts are creating your feelings. And again, this is a reframing, so first, you reframe your thoughts from they should be doing this too I am thinking they should be doing this. Now, you do the same thing with your feelings. Framing your emotional experience differently, going from they make me so frustrated to feeling frustrated because I think they should be different. You notice? Not only are you noticing a thought about them, but you're also nothing that the thought is creating your feelings.
So, in my example, I use the brother-in-law talking about politics to make me uncomfortable. That my boss emailing me in the evenings is making me frustrated. But that's not true. Their behaviors do not do that. Your thoughts create your feelings. So, you need to help your brain go from making me irritated to feeling irritated because I think they should not have said that. And this helps your brain learn how to take the blame of your feelings off that person because they do not cause your feelings. It helps you acknowledge and take responsibility for your own emotions created by your own thoughts.
And this is what sets you up to eventually change how you feel in your emotional experience. Because right now, the thought err here is that you are believing if their behavior changed, then your thoughts would not exist about them, and then your feelings would be different. You believe, well, if my brother-in-law didn't talk politics at the table, I wouldn't be thinking they should be different, and then I wouldn't feel frustrated. That is not true. That person is just circumstance, and your brain has thought patterns, existing thought patterns that is used to looking for ways people should be different, and it will start to think that way no matter what they're doing.
Because currently believe that person is creating your feelings unless you change that thought pattern. My example in the beginning of my two bosses is a perfect illustration of this. My brain was so sure that my boss was difficult for always reaching out to me. And then, I got a boss who didn't reach out all of the time, and my brain thought they were difficult because they weren't available. It was not either of the bosses; it was my brain. My brain kept having the same thought patterns, finding something wrong with someone else, something they should be doing differently.
Why they're a problem? Why they're causing me problems? But that's not what was really going on. It was my thoughts. And here, when we think about this, we need to learn that your emotions are created by your thoughts, not by other people; what they do or don't do. And I know that's a hard pill to swallow. But this is why it's so important to get this, because when you focus on someone else needing to change in order for you to feel better. That puts you in a position to never feel better.
The alternative and what you can learn is that you can decide how to feel no matter what other people do or don't do. Which is in your control so much more empowering. This leads to step four, recognizing that what you think you want is out of your control, but what you actually want is in your control. Seeing that you have no control over someone else's behavior, which is what you want. You have to see you can't control them.
And then you have to see that actually what you really want is to feel better and that what you have control over is your mind, which will help you feel better. Yes, you may want someone else to change, but that is out of your control. And here's the truth, I'll just be honest with y'all, I am the control queen. I try to control people all of the time, and I'm not saying I hold their arms down, like, in my mind, I'm trying to tell all the people what they should be doing differently.
I can admit it. I think my way is always the right way. My partner can tell you that right now. And I know it annoys the shit out of my friends and family. And I also know I can't control other people. I can't control their behaviors, actions, or their beliefs. Whether it's a close friend or an influencer, I have never met. I may want them to change, be different, and do things differently, but that's out of my control.
Here's the kicker them changing their behaviors will actually not change my feelings. At the end of the day, what I truly want is to feel differently, and what you truly want is to feel differently. You only want someone else to change because you think it will make you feel differently. But their behavior isn't causing your feelings. It's your thoughts about them that is creating your feelings. You cannot control your brother-in-law's behavior or your boss's behavior. You may want them to change, but you can't make them change. To change how you feel, you have to manage your mind. Which is in your control.
So, step five, holding these beliefs at the same time. Belief one, I have no control over other people's behaviors. Belief two, and I have thoughts about them that make me feel a negative emotion. And belief three, I only want them to change because I think it will make me feel differently, but it won't. Only my thoughts changing can do that. And when you get to step five, meaning you can hold all these three beliefs at the same time. You believe them, and you hold space for them. That you don't control people's behaviors. You have thoughts about them that are making you feel bad. And the only reason you want them to change is you think it will make you feel differently. Which it won't, and that only your thoughts can do that.
Once you're able to do that, you can see clearly and hold space for the truths. The truth is that you can't control someone else. The truth is that what's creating your emotions is your thoughts. You only want them to change because you want to feel differently, which you can feel differently by changing how you think. If you can't believe or hold these three truths simultaneously and in the same space, it's probably because of this thought here. When you still believe if their behavior changed, then you would feel differently.
There are going to be some people this is easier with than others. Right, there are plenty of people I have done this work with, where now I can hold these three truths. And there are some other people where I still believe and have to get coached that if they would just be different, I would feel differently. That's not true. This can be a really hard one to dislodge, this belief, and that's okay. It might be more difficult with different people. I have to keep dislodging this all of the time; it's a practice. And it's because we're so deeply taught that other people's behaviors cause our emotions.
But other people, they don't. And even when other people change, we often don't feel better. Because our brains have a mental pattern that will continue unless we rewire it. Okay, so, even if we have gone through all of this and you still don't want to believe me. You still believe that other people cause your feelings, and they have to change for you to feel better. I'm going to share what I see as an option for you, for all of us when dealing with other people, with people we think are difficult. I think there are only four options.
The first option is to resist that person and their behaviors but continues to be around them. So, this is you continue to believe they're difficult, and that they should be different, and believe that they're causing your feelings. You still spend time with them, but you continue to get upset when they do what they always do. And get upset when they don't change. That's option one. It's probably what you have been doing so far. Doesn't sound very fun. Do you want to continue that? That is totally up to you.
Option two, resist them and their behaviors but do it from afar and don't be around them. So, this means, yes, you still think they're difficult and that they should be different. You continue to believe that they cause your feelings, but you decide not to spend time with them, avoid them, and avoid being around with them, so you can try to avoid your feelings. So, this is an option. You can do this. The result of doing this might be that you sacrifice being around other people you do want to be around them. Maybe you turn down opportunities you might have access to if you were able to be around them. You also will probably have to continue to avoid or run away.
Not just from them and all the situations you might have to interact with them, but your thoughts about them you will probably still experience even though you're not being around them. Your thoughts about them, how they should be different aren't going to disappear. You're probably still going to feel frustrated and irritated even if you're not around them. Whether you see them on social media or hear about them from a friend, you will start to get annoyed. P.s. it's not because their behavior is causing your feelings. It's your thoughts. But that's option two, resist them, but do it from afar and don't be around them.
Then that option if you do happen to be around them even though you don't want to, you're not going to have the tools to manage it. So, in both options one and two, you're still believing that their behaviors are the problem. That they should be different and cause your feelings. But one of the options you're still being around them, and one option you're not. Both options one and two, you are still suffering. You're still mad, frustrated, upset, irritated, and all of the feelings you're having you don't want to feel. So, those are the first two options.
And here's the thing you can totally absolutely choose one of these options. There are some people in my life I still choose one of these options because I still haven't detached for that specific person, this belief. There are other people where I have done that work, and it's great. I am still in one or two with a couple of people. That's totally fine, but it's good to know where you are and what options are available to you.
So, option three, accept that person and their behaviors but choose not to be around them. So, accepting them and their behaviors means coming to peace with the fact you cannot control them or change them. And no longer believing that they should change or should be different. Recognizing that what you think about them, how you feel about them is not caused by them, their thoughts, or their behaviors, but you and your beliefs. That your emotions, feelings are caused by your thoughts but choosing not to be around them.
This means you aren't suffering emotionally. You accept them for exactly who they are and don't expect them to change. But you still decide to not be around them. So, here's an example, let's say you have a friend who talks a lot, they talk over you, they never ask you any questions, and you used to think this was a problem. They should be different, and you're so frustrated by them. And then you do the work to see, no, it's your thoughts about them causing your frustration. It's not them. There's nothing wrong with them; they don't have to change, right? They are who they are, and you accept them. You accept they talk a lot. You accept, and you expect when you see them, that's how it's going to be. You can decide there's nothing wrong with them talking a lot and not asking me questions, and that's okay.
That's who they are, and that's totally fine. They don't have to change, and I don't want to spend time with them. And maybe you decide that because you want to spend time, prioritize your time with people who listen and ask questions. You aren't saying I'm not going to hang out with them because they make me feel annoyed. You're saying I want to spend time with people who listen. You don't listen, you don't ask questions, that's fine. You don't have to change, I'm not mad about it. I am just going to make a different decision. Do you see the difference?
Okay, option four, accept the person and their behaviors and choose to have them around. So, again this means coming into peace with the fact you can't control or change them. And no longer believing they should change or should be different. Recognizing that what you think about them causes your feelings. This means you aren't suffering emotionally. You accept them for who they are and don't expect them to change, and you still decide to be around them.
So, one example might be, you're serving on a committee at work, and the committee leader never follows up on what they said they will do. So, they say they will send out meeting notes; they never do. They say they'll review the group charter, and they never do. Maybe before every time they didn't follow up on something, you got angry and thought about how they should be different and how they're not a good leader; how they need to do this instead. But you have done the work to detach that.
Now, you actually accept that is how they are. That's just who they are; it's not a problem. They don't have to change. That them doing that doesn't cause your frustration. You can still decide to believe it would be nice if they did follow up. It would be nice if they did follow up but accept that's not going to happen. That's just how they work, and that's fine. And you can decide to stay on the committee and keep interacting with them. Doesn't mean you automatically believe they're the best leader you've ever had. Maybe you decide to stay on the committee because you're passionate about the work. And you just accept the leader is a different kind of leader.
In both options three and four, you are not causing yourself emotional suffering. You accept other people for who they are. You don't try to change them. You don't drain your energy thinking about all of the ways they should be different and trying to force them to be different. You own your thoughts, cause your feelings, and you own that you get to decide what to do and how to interact with that person. It doesn't mean you love them and everything about them all of a sudden and believe everything they do is amazing. All it means is you accept that they are who they are.
And you know who they are because they keep showing you. You accept that you can't change them. You stop trying to change them, and you accept that they don't cause your feelings but that you cause your feelings. So, options three and four are 100% available to you, a hundred percent. It's a choice you have to make. All these options to accept them or to continue to resist them. Accepting they won't change and that you're causing your feelings or continuing to believe that they cause your frustration and need to change.
Those are all available to you. But suppose you want to feel better and stop feeling frustrated, annoyed, and irritated. In that case, you have to start seeing that's in your control. That you can change how you feel. That you don't have to wait for them to change their behaviors because that's probably not going to happen, and you have no control over that. But you can change how you think about them. You can learn how to manage your mind, so you have a better emotional experience, whether you decide to be around them or not.
So, here's a perfect opportunity to practice these steps at work, seeing people you struggle with during the holidays, right? You can start to reframe; okay, I believe they should be different, and I believe that's a fact. You can start to notice I'm thinking a thought they should do this. You can start to reframe your feelings; I'm feeling frustrated because I am thinking they should be different. You can start noticing how your thoughts about them are creating your emotions to create space to see that change in your thoughts is the answer to changing your emotional experience around that person.
All right, y'all, that's what I have for you this week. One last thing, if you're not yet on the waitlist for my new mini-course coming out in early 2022, mini-course is going to help you if you have been feeling burnt out and frustrated at the end of your rope, working in public health as a result of this pandemic. If you're thinking about quitting and don't know what to do, this course is for you. It's going to help you, and it's completely free.
So, if you're not on that waitlist yet, get on it. Because those of you on the waitlist are going to be first to hear in the next couple of weeks. I am announcing more details about the course. When it's coming out, what exactly you can expect, what you're going to get out of it, all of the details that you want to know. So, if you are struggling, burnt out, overwhelmed, frustrated, get on the waitlist for this course. So, you can get first dibs, add the information, add the course so you can start 2022 off differently, more rested, less frustrated, and knowing what you want to do with your next year in your career in the next steps to take.
So, stay tuned. Get on that waiting list. I will leave a link in the show notes, or you can go to Mckoolcoaching.com/courses, courses plural, to sign up for the waitlist, and I cannot wait. Like, I cannot wait to tell you all. I am so excited for you to find out more about the course coming up soon. So, make sure you're on that waitlist. Thanks, everyone, for tuning in. Talk to you next week.
Are you ready to make a change? Whether that's learning to love your job, making a career move, or anything in between, I can help. I'd be honored to coach you through figuring out what's next and navigating the steps to get there. So, head on over to mckoolcoaching.com/consult that's mckoolcoaching.com/consult to set up a time to chat and talk about how you can achieve the career of your dreams.
Hello everyone, welcome back, another episode Thoughts Are Your Root Cause podcast. I am so glad you're tuning in. It is crazy to think 2021 is almost over. Is it just me or, does it feel like 2021 and 2020 was just one very long year? Like 2021 I think my brain still thinks it's part of 2020. And I have been doing some work around this because I'm noticing so many folks have vaccinations. Many workplaces are opening back up, most restaurants and whatnot are open. Where I am in the Barrio, which I feel like is one of the strictest areas in the country. I think my brain still thinks it's pandemic, still very much in hermit vibes, not doing much, but now that 2022 is coming upon us, it's tripping me out a little bit.
Am I alone in this? I don't think so, it thinks especially folks in public health, it's like shellshock almost, like when can we stick our turtle heads out of the shell and be like okay, everything's cool, can I come out? It's just trippy when you think about it. Maybe it's just me? Maybe all of you are listening to this going. What's going on with her? But yeah, I can't believe it. I hope you're taking some time over the next couple of weeks to reflect on your year, think about it, acknowledge all of the amazing things you've done.
I'm serious like there's been challenge after challenge for everyone, particularly folks in public health, the workplace, and at home. So, I really hope you take some time to acknowledge the fact that you were there for yourself. You showed up for yourself. Even when it was hard. Even when it was challenging, even when you're sad or in grief, shock, or anxiety. That you were there for yourself, and you felt those emotions, and it wasn't easy, but you did it. You've got through some challenging things from work; changes, maybe a loss of funding, or a job, or new leadership, or new structure, or hybrid work, all of those things. I really hope you take some time as 2021 winds down to just reflect and give yourself some props for what you've been through and what you've gone through.
As a whole field in public health, I'm just so proud of us at what we've accomplished and accomplished and how we've gone through it. I know it hasn't been easy, and I know it's really challenging. Many of us are burnt out, but I really just am so proud to be a part of the public health community. It's just most amazing people and amazing feel doing great work. And I hope you're proud of it too.
So, with that, this episode kind of relates to that. Dealing with difficult people. Today we're going to talk about how to deal with difficult people, which I know has been part of the challenge this past year, two years. So, you know we all have different difficult people in our lives. And in public health these past years, some of you may have felt the public has been difficult, right? The communities we're trying to serve and help get testing and vaccinations for COVID have been difficult. Or it might be your neighbors, friends, family members, or your colleagues or bosses that you're finding difficult. It's okay. Everyone has difficult people in their lives.
Specifically, as this podcast is coming out, you might be interacting with family or friends, people you don't often see, like extended family or old high school friends for holiday celebrations. You might not, but if you're in that group, there might be other difficult people you're not always having to be around that you're now going to see. And that's an additional challenge. You might have also been struggling this past year with a difficult person. Whether it's a manager, team member, or a boss, or a leadership person.
We all have difficult people in our lives. And we are all a difficult person in someone else's life. I know we hate to admit it, but it is true. So, let's talk about what a difficult person is. And this is kind of a trick question that you might not like the answer to, which is okay. I just ask that you stick with me. Because people themselves are not difficult. I know, I know, your brain can't compute it's okay. People are just people, people who say things and do things.
What makes people—what makes them difficult is our thoughts about them, our brain. Our brain has a thought about someone else and their actions or behaviors or what they say or their opinions, our brain has a thought about how they treat us, or something they did, or didn't do, something they said, our brain doesn't like that they don't listen to us, or they don't respond to us, or they don't do things our way, or they say things in a certain tone, our brain is what decides that someone else is difficult.
Even if you think, well, everyone thinks they're difficult, I'm sorry to say, that doesn't make them difficult. It just means there's more than one brain who has a thought the person is difficult. They're probably many more brains than you are willing to explore, maybe brains of people you know or don't know, who do not think that person is difficult. Someone being difficult is a thought. And I think that's really important to be clear about.
People their essence and who they are is not difficult. It's your brain that makes engaging with them or experiencing that person difficult because of the thoughts you have. Okay, so let me explain by starting with a brief story. Many years ago, I had a boss that I thought was the most difficult boss to have. It seemed to me that they thought, no matter day or time it was, they could reach out to me. Or that they never even thought about checking the day or time and if it was appropriate to reach out to me.
So, they would email me, text me, call me as needed; nights and weekends. They even do it when I was on vacation and when they were supposed to be on vacation. On holidays, on evenings, weekends, and this drove me nuts; not going to lie, I thought they were so difficult to work with because of this; because they didn't respect my time or boundaries, they expected me to always be available, didn't recognize when things were truly urgent, or could wait till Monday. They were impatient. They were inconsiderate.
And I thought if they didn't do that if they were different. They only reached out during working hours if they didn't text me or call me. If they respected those boundaries, then I would feel a lot better, that work would feel better, our work would be better, and our relationship would be better. Well, fast forward, years later, I had a new boss who did all of those things. He didn't text me when I was on vacation. He didn't call me on the weekends. Who didn't email me at 11 p.m., exactly what I had wanted?
But guess what, I thought she was so difficult because of it; isn't that hilarious. Because what I then saw, what my brain then saw, was that because they didn't text me right when they remembered something, right, they may be remembered something, right, like they may be remembered something Tuesday night, and they were like oh, okay, I'll contact Marissa in the morning. They forgot they forgot a lot of things. They were supposed to follow up the next day, or Monday, and then they would totally forget.
Then, a week later, be like, oh my gosh, I forgot to tell you, but we need this tomorrow. Or oh my gosh, I didn't give you that feedback, and I had a deadline, right? They would notice we have a deadline over an upcoming break, so maybe, you know, it was an office closure. And we had an internal deadline, and they said, well, I'm not available to help; I'll be on vacation. Which meant that I did it solo. And they were not available for support. Even on things that required then, I couldn't do because of my position.
I also didn't check emails outside of working hours, so they never saw it in time to help out when something was urgent. And I was there scrambling on what to do; I couldn't get ahold of them. So, what I wanted, I got. They didn't expect me to check emails outside of working hours. They didn't expect me to have to do anything while I was on vacation. They didn't text me on the nights and weekends. But on the flipside of that, I got a lot of things late. I didn't get help when there's urgent issues like all these other things that happened, and my brain hated it.
I thought it was so difficult to work with here. And guess what, it wasn't them. It wasn't my first boss, and it wasn't this boss. That was difficult, that was my brain. Isn't that ironic? My brain thought both of them were difficult with two bosses, complete opposite behaviors. That if their behaviors were different. I would feel better that work would be easier. They were not difficult. My thoughts about them, about their behaviors, and their actions what were difficult. My thoughts about them were creating my frustration, dread, annoyance, and judgment.
Here's the thing, with both bosses, I felt the same. I was frustrated and irritated, just mental and annoyed. They were two completely different people that took two completely different actions. But I had the same thoughts and feelings about them both. Because it wasn't them, it was me and my brain. We so badly want people to be different, act different, say things differently, and what we don't realize that even if they did, or even if we thought we got what we wanted from someone else. Our brain still finds a way to think there is something wrong; that they are difficult, what they are doing is a problem. That's because other people don't cause your feelings; your brain does. Someone not texting you back doesn't make them difficult. Your thought that it is a problem they're not texting you back is what makes your life difficult.
So, I am going to break this down even further because we have been so ingrained with this belief that other people cause your feelings. It takes some baby steps to really work through this and detach it. Which is totally fine, totally normal, so I am going to go through five steps for dealing with your brain when it thinks someone is difficult. And what I want you to do as I'm going through this is, think of one specific person you find difficult. And by that, I mean maybe you're always frustrated by them, or you dread having to be around them, or you're always thinking of the things they're doing wrong. This could be a parent, old friend, boss, coworker, partner, right, anyone. Just think of one person, and as I go through these steps, think about the different steps in relation to your thoughts about them.
So, step one, first, you have to recognize that what is happening is you believe someone should be different. You believe that person should be different. So, for example, believing your brother-in-law shouldn't talk about politics at dinner. And if I asked you why you believe that, you might say, well, dinner would be better if there wasn't talk about politics or everyone gets upset when he does it. Or I hear it enough at work. I need a break.
But no matter the "reasons," the bottom line is, and what I want you to see is you believe that person should be different. For example, your brother-in-law talks about politics at dinner, and you believe he shouldn't. Or believing your boss shouldn't send you emails after 5 P.M. You might say well, work would be better if your boss didn't send you emails at that time, or you wouldn't be as stressed, or you'd get more done if you weren't constantly having to respond to them.
Again, no matter your "reasons," what's happening is you believe your boss should be different. Your boss texts you after 5 p.m., and you believe they shouldn't do that. So, here's the thought error that I'm seeing, and by thought error, I mean, where you're kind of missing the reality of what's going on in your brain. And that is you believe that these are just facts. When really, they're just thoughts.
And that is what's causing you so much suffering because they're not facts. They're opinions that you hold; they are thoughts that you have in your brain. They are optional beliefs you have about someone else. It's not a fact in the world. Not everyone would agree that everyone should do that. In my examples, that person, the person you're thinking of, or the brother-in-law and the boss. They clearly don't agree cause' they're doing that behavior. Believing that they shouldn't be a certain way is what's causing you so much suffering. Because they are that way.
That person is that way, and you believe they shouldn't be. So, reality and your belief are butting heads. And you end up experiencing so much frustration, dread, anxiety, or anger when you're thinking of that person. When you are noticing what they are or aren't doing. When you're spending time with them. When you're telling yourself about what they should be doing or shouldn't be doing, right?
You have to first take time to see that you have an underlying belief that someone should be different, and you think this is a fact in the world. When it's not. Then step two, recognizing that these are thought and not facts, and think about them as thoughts. And what I mean by that is, go from thinking they shouldn't do that to having thoughts about their behavior. You almost have to narrate yourself with what's going on.
Which is you are having a thought in your brain about a person. And reframing your thoughts that way to yourself about what actually is happening, which is a thought, helps you start to recognize the reality of what's going on in your brain. Going from they should wait until tomorrow to text me to, I have a thought that they should wait until tomorrow to text me. You notice the difference. One is framed as if it's a fact in the world. One is framed as noticing you're having a thought about that person. I know it sounds really silly and unnecessary, but it's not. And that's because of this thought error. You are believing when you think about that person. What they're doing as a fact in the world they shouldn't be doing, you are then believing that the circumstance that person and their behaviors create your feelings. And you're not recognizing that the thought you're having about that person is what creates your feelings.
And what you have to start to learn is their actions; what they do, say, don't do, don't say, does not create your thoughts and feelings. That your brain has thoughts that create your feelings, and the best way to do this is to rewire your brain, reframe this, and constantly reframe your thoughts to yourself. When you notice your thoughts, you notice what's going on to say I'm thinking they should do this. I'm having thoughts they shouldn't do that. I'm noticing my brain wants to think that they need to do this.
You don't have to do it out loud but do it in your head when you notice what's going on. I know it sounds tedious, but one of the things we'll do is help you emotionally; you will see how your emotions shift in your body. Your frustration just tweaks a little bit, a little lighter. And it also detaches the belief in your brain that it's an absolute fact that they should be different. You have to detach that idea that's a fact and start to see it as a thought to change your experience.
And then step three is recognizing your thoughts are creating your feelings. And again, this is a reframing, so first, you reframe your thoughts from they should be doing this too I am thinking they should be doing this. Now, you do the same thing with your feelings. Framing your emotional experience differently, going from they make me so frustrated to feeling frustrated because I think they should be different. You notice? Not only are you noticing a thought about them, but you're also nothing that the thought is creating your feelings.
So, in my example, I use the brother-in-law talking about politics to make me uncomfortable. That my boss emailing me in the evenings is making me frustrated. But that's not true. Their behaviors do not do that. Your thoughts create your feelings. So, you need to help your brain go from making me irritated to feeling irritated because I think they should not have said that. And this helps your brain learn how to take the blame of your feelings off that person because they do not cause your feelings. It helps you acknowledge and take responsibility for your own emotions created by your own thoughts.
And this is what sets you up to eventually change how you feel in your emotional experience. Because right now, the thought err here is that you are believing if their behavior changed, then your thoughts would not exist about them, and then your feelings would be different. You believe, well, if my brother-in-law didn't talk politics at the table, I wouldn't be thinking they should be different, and then I wouldn't feel frustrated. That is not true. That person is just circumstance, and your brain has thought patterns, existing thought patterns that is used to looking for ways people should be different, and it will start to think that way no matter what they're doing.
Because currently believe that person is creating your feelings unless you change that thought pattern. My example in the beginning of my two bosses is a perfect illustration of this. My brain was so sure that my boss was difficult for always reaching out to me. And then, I got a boss who didn't reach out all of the time, and my brain thought they were difficult because they weren't available. It was not either of the bosses; it was my brain. My brain kept having the same thought patterns, finding something wrong with someone else, something they should be doing differently.
Why they're a problem? Why they're causing me problems? But that's not what was really going on. It was my thoughts. And here, when we think about this, we need to learn that your emotions are created by your thoughts, not by other people; what they do or don't do. And I know that's a hard pill to swallow. But this is why it's so important to get this, because when you focus on someone else needing to change in order for you to feel better. That puts you in a position to never feel better.
The alternative and what you can learn is that you can decide how to feel no matter what other people do or don't do. Which is in your control so much more empowering. This leads to step four, recognizing that what you think you want is out of your control, but what you actually want is in your control. Seeing that you have no control over someone else's behavior, which is what you want. You have to see you can't control them.
And then you have to see that actually what you really want is to feel better and that what you have control over is your mind, which will help you feel better. Yes, you may want someone else to change, but that is out of your control. And here's the truth, I'll just be honest with y'all, I am the control queen. I try to control people all of the time, and I'm not saying I hold their arms down, like, in my mind, I'm trying to tell all the people what they should be doing differently.
I can admit it. I think my way is always the right way. My partner can tell you that right now. And I know it annoys the shit out of my friends and family. And I also know I can't control other people. I can't control their behaviors, actions, or their beliefs. Whether it's a close friend or an influencer, I have never met. I may want them to change, be different, and do things differently, but that's out of my control.
Here's the kicker them changing their behaviors will actually not change my feelings. At the end of the day, what I truly want is to feel differently, and what you truly want is to feel differently. You only want someone else to change because you think it will make you feel differently. But their behavior isn't causing your feelings. It's your thoughts about them that is creating your feelings. You cannot control your brother-in-law's behavior or your boss's behavior. You may want them to change, but you can't make them change. To change how you feel, you have to manage your mind. Which is in your control.
So, step five, holding these beliefs at the same time. Belief one, I have no control over other people's behaviors. Belief two, and I have thoughts about them that make me feel a negative emotion. And belief three, I only want them to change because I think it will make me feel differently, but it won't. Only my thoughts changing can do that. And when you get to step five, meaning you can hold all these three beliefs at the same time. You believe them, and you hold space for them. That you don't control people's behaviors. You have thoughts about them that are making you feel bad. And the only reason you want them to change is you think it will make you feel differently. Which it won't, and that only your thoughts can do that.
Once you're able to do that, you can see clearly and hold space for the truths. The truth is that you can't control someone else. The truth is that what's creating your emotions is your thoughts. You only want them to change because you want to feel differently, which you can feel differently by changing how you think. If you can't believe or hold these three truths simultaneously and in the same space, it's probably because of this thought here. When you still believe if their behavior changed, then you would feel differently.
There are going to be some people this is easier with than others. Right, there are plenty of people I have done this work with, where now I can hold these three truths. And there are some other people where I still believe and have to get coached that if they would just be different, I would feel differently. That's not true. This can be a really hard one to dislodge, this belief, and that's okay. It might be more difficult with different people. I have to keep dislodging this all of the time; it's a practice. And it's because we're so deeply taught that other people's behaviors cause our emotions.
But other people, they don't. And even when other people change, we often don't feel better. Because our brains have a mental pattern that will continue unless we rewire it. Okay, so, even if we have gone through all of this and you still don't want to believe me. You still believe that other people cause your feelings, and they have to change for you to feel better. I'm going to share what I see as an option for you, for all of us when dealing with other people, with people we think are difficult. I think there are only four options.
The first option is to resist that person and their behaviors but continues to be around them. So, this is you continue to believe they're difficult, and that they should be different, and believe that they're causing your feelings. You still spend time with them, but you continue to get upset when they do what they always do. And get upset when they don't change. That's option one. It's probably what you have been doing so far. Doesn't sound very fun. Do you want to continue that? That is totally up to you.
Option two, resist them and their behaviors but do it from afar and don't be around them. So, this means, yes, you still think they're difficult and that they should be different. You continue to believe that they cause your feelings, but you decide not to spend time with them, avoid them, and avoid being around with them, so you can try to avoid your feelings. So, this is an option. You can do this. The result of doing this might be that you sacrifice being around other people you do want to be around them. Maybe you turn down opportunities you might have access to if you were able to be around them. You also will probably have to continue to avoid or run away.
Not just from them and all the situations you might have to interact with them, but your thoughts about them you will probably still experience even though you're not being around them. Your thoughts about them, how they should be different aren't going to disappear. You're probably still going to feel frustrated and irritated even if you're not around them. Whether you see them on social media or hear about them from a friend, you will start to get annoyed. P.s. it's not because their behavior is causing your feelings. It's your thoughts. But that's option two, resist them, but do it from afar and don't be around them.
Then that option if you do happen to be around them even though you don't want to, you're not going to have the tools to manage it. So, in both options one and two, you're still believing that their behaviors are the problem. That they should be different and cause your feelings. But one of the options you're still being around them, and one option you're not. Both options one and two, you are still suffering. You're still mad, frustrated, upset, irritated, and all of the feelings you're having you don't want to feel. So, those are the first two options.
And here's the thing you can totally absolutely choose one of these options. There are some people in my life I still choose one of these options because I still haven't detached for that specific person, this belief. There are other people where I have done that work, and it's great. I am still in one or two with a couple of people. That's totally fine, but it's good to know where you are and what options are available to you.
So, option three, accept that person and their behaviors but choose not to be around them. So, accepting them and their behaviors means coming to peace with the fact you cannot control them or change them. And no longer believing that they should change or should be different. Recognizing that what you think about them, how you feel about them is not caused by them, their thoughts, or their behaviors, but you and your beliefs. That your emotions, feelings are caused by your thoughts but choosing not to be around them.
This means you aren't suffering emotionally. You accept them for exactly who they are and don't expect them to change. But you still decide to not be around them. So, here's an example, let's say you have a friend who talks a lot, they talk over you, they never ask you any questions, and you used to think this was a problem. They should be different, and you're so frustrated by them. And then you do the work to see, no, it's your thoughts about them causing your frustration. It's not them. There's nothing wrong with them; they don't have to change, right? They are who they are, and you accept them. You accept they talk a lot. You accept, and you expect when you see them, that's how it's going to be. You can decide there's nothing wrong with them talking a lot and not asking me questions, and that's okay.
That's who they are, and that's totally fine. They don't have to change, and I don't want to spend time with them. And maybe you decide that because you want to spend time, prioritize your time with people who listen and ask questions. You aren't saying I'm not going to hang out with them because they make me feel annoyed. You're saying I want to spend time with people who listen. You don't listen, you don't ask questions, that's fine. You don't have to change, I'm not mad about it. I am just going to make a different decision. Do you see the difference?
Okay, option four, accept the person and their behaviors and choose to have them around. So, again this means coming into peace with the fact you can't control or change them. And no longer believing they should change or should be different. Recognizing that what you think about them causes your feelings. This means you aren't suffering emotionally. You accept them for who they are and don't expect them to change, and you still decide to be around them.
So, one example might be, you're serving on a committee at work, and the committee leader never follows up on what they said they will do. So, they say they will send out meeting notes; they never do. They say they'll review the group charter, and they never do. Maybe before every time they didn't follow up on something, you got angry and thought about how they should be different and how they're not a good leader; how they need to do this instead. But you have done the work to detach that.
Now, you actually accept that is how they are. That's just who they are; it's not a problem. They don't have to change. That them doing that doesn't cause your frustration. You can still decide to believe it would be nice if they did follow up. It would be nice if they did follow up but accept that's not going to happen. That's just how they work, and that's fine. And you can decide to stay on the committee and keep interacting with them. Doesn't mean you automatically believe they're the best leader you've ever had. Maybe you decide to stay on the committee because you're passionate about the work. And you just accept the leader is a different kind of leader.
In both options three and four, you are not causing yourself emotional suffering. You accept other people for who they are. You don't try to change them. You don't drain your energy thinking about all of the ways they should be different and trying to force them to be different. You own your thoughts, cause your feelings, and you own that you get to decide what to do and how to interact with that person. It doesn't mean you love them and everything about them all of a sudden and believe everything they do is amazing. All it means is you accept that they are who they are.
And you know who they are because they keep showing you. You accept that you can't change them. You stop trying to change them, and you accept that they don't cause your feelings but that you cause your feelings. So, options three and four are 100% available to you, a hundred percent. It's a choice you have to make. All these options to accept them or to continue to resist them. Accepting they won't change and that you're causing your feelings or continuing to believe that they cause your frustration and need to change.
Those are all available to you. But suppose you want to feel better and stop feeling frustrated, annoyed, and irritated. In that case, you have to start seeing that's in your control. That you can change how you feel. That you don't have to wait for them to change their behaviors because that's probably not going to happen, and you have no control over that. But you can change how you think about them. You can learn how to manage your mind, so you have a better emotional experience, whether you decide to be around them or not.
So, here's a perfect opportunity to practice these steps at work, seeing people you struggle with during the holidays, right? You can start to reframe; okay, I believe they should be different, and I believe that's a fact. You can start to notice I'm thinking a thought they should do this. You can start to reframe your feelings; I'm feeling frustrated because I am thinking they should be different. You can start noticing how your thoughts about them are creating your emotions to create space to see that change in your thoughts is the answer to changing your emotional experience around that person.
All right, y'all, that's what I have for you this week. One last thing, if you're not yet on the waitlist for my new mini-course coming out in early 2022, mini-course is going to help you if you have been feeling burnt out and frustrated at the end of your rope, working in public health as a result of this pandemic. If you're thinking about quitting and don't know what to do, this course is for you. It's going to help you, and it's completely free.
So, if you're not on that waitlist yet, get on it. Because those of you on the waitlist are going to be first to hear in the next couple of weeks. I am announcing more details about the course. When it's coming out, what exactly you can expect, what you're going to get out of it, all of the details that you want to know. So, if you are struggling, burnt out, overwhelmed, frustrated, get on the waitlist for this course. So, you can get first dibs, add the information, add the course so you can start 2022 off differently, more rested, less frustrated, and knowing what you want to do with your next year in your career in the next steps to take.
So, stay tuned. Get on that waiting list. I will leave a link in the show notes, or you can go to Mckoolcoaching.com/courses, courses plural, to sign up for the waitlist, and I cannot wait. Like, I cannot wait to tell you all. I am so excited for you to find out more about the course coming up soon. So, make sure you're on that waitlist. Thanks, everyone, for tuning in. Talk to you next week.
Are you ready to make a change? Whether that's learning to love your job, making a career move, or anything in between, I can help. I'd be honored to coach you through figuring out what's next and navigating the steps to get there. So, head on over to mckoolcoaching.com/consult that's mckoolcoaching.com/consult to set up a time to chat and talk about how you can achieve the career of your dreams.
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