52. The Lie of Work-Life Balance
Work-life balance is one of the biggest buzzwords we hear, and there have been discussions around it for years. But since the pandemic, we are seeing more of a spotlight on this, and even some movement, both individually and organizationally. So why are we still struggling to achieve the perfect work-life balance?
Understanding the historical context for the work-life balance is crucial to understanding how it has developed to where it is today. There is a reason you haven’t been able to achieve the work-life balance we have been sold, and I’m exploring it further this week.
In this episode, I’m discussing the concept of work-life balance, where it comes from, and reframing it in a way that will encourage you to think differently about what you are trying to achieve. I’m sharing some common advice given to help you achieve work-life balance, why this advice is unhelpful, and showing you how to change your thinking to be empowered to make different choices.
If you want to take this work deeper and learn the tools and skills to feel better, all while having my support and guidance each step of the way, I invite you to set up a time to chat with me. Click here to grab a spot on my calendar and I can’t wait to speak to you!
The Burnout Recovery course is out and available right now! Join this three-part mini-course to get concrete tools and skills to help you reduce pandemic stress, deal with difficult bosses, and reduce your workload.
What You Will Discover:
How people are deciding to create more flexibility and support for themselves even when their offices won’t.
The reason the historical context of work-life balance is so important.
Why some of the advice around work-life balance isn’t helpful.
How to stop shaming yourself for not achieving a work-life balance.
Why the goal for work-life balance as we know it isn’t serving you.
How to open up mental and emotional space to figure out what you want and how you can achieve it.
Where the modern-day concept of work-life balance developed from.
Resources:
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Rest: Why You Get More Done When You Work Less by Alex Soojung-Kim Pang
Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle by Emily and Amelia Nagoski
Full Episode Transcript:
Hey you all, I’m Marissa McKool, and you’re listening to the Redefining Rest Podcast for public health professionals. Here we believe rest is your right. You don’t have to earn it, you just have to learn how to take it and I’m going to teach you. Ready? Come along.
Hi everyone. How are you on this Monday or whatever day you’re listening? I so appreciate you tuning in, hitting play, putting it on your car speaker, putting your Airpods in, listening while you’re walking your dog, or doing the dishes, or wherever you’re at in the world, whatever you’re doing while you’re listening. I’m so, so glad you’re here. And this week has been really challenging for me personally. Work has been great, coaching has been great, that’s been amazing.
But personally, there’s been a lot of stuff going on. And you know what has really filled my soul and I just wanted to thank every single one of you for listening. Some of the reviews for the podcast are coming in and I’m reading them in such pure gratitude and joy. And this is why I do this podcast because of it helping you all, and hearing from you and how it’s helping you just fills my soul. And especially on a week like this week where there has been some challenging things going on. Thank you so much for your kind words, for sharing how this is helping you.
I know for sure your reviews help others to tune into this podcast and get this help. But I also just want to share, genuinely they have helped me so much. And I really appreciate the feedback. And I want to just share a few that have really stuck out to me. I won’t read the whole thing.
But this one says, “A social worker here and I just want to say, anyone in a public service profession will benefit from Marissa’s lessons and principles. While there are some tried and true mindset tools that help across professions, public service professionals also have their own specific wants, needs, and thought errors.” I love that and I’m so glad all of you who are in other helping professions, social work, even teachers, or wherever you are, are also finding this podcast and finding it useful. That just fills my soul.
Here's another one I want to quickly ready that I read, and it just honestly almost brought me to tears. This person says, “I found this podcast through LinkedIn, and I’m impressed with the fresh take on burnout within public health professionals. Many of us grew up simply wanting to help others. We choose to work as ‘public servants’ which comes with a lot of work, little time off and quite a bit of stress. I appreciate any resource that encourages me to take care of myself. These insights are especially meaningful given the great career migration of the COVID years.”
And first to everyone who’s reviewed and even emailed, or DM’d, or share, I thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. Because those reviews, what those individuals said is exactly why I do this podcast. Whether you’re in public health, or an adjacent field, or you’ve left public health, the impacts of the burnout and the stress are paramount to address. And I’m glad I can do my little part to help in the field where so many other people are doing work to try to encourage rest and eliminate burnout.
And I’m so honored to be a part of that community, and of this podcast community, and of us helping each other. So, I just wanted to start the episode off by saying thank you so, so much. And as most of you know, and if you’re new here this might be new news to you but right now we are doing a podcast giveaway. The last day to enter is next Monday, May 2nd. You can win a $150 gift card to a local spa, amazing book set I have read, and I recommend called Burnout and Rest. And a Health Equity sweatshirt from the Public Health Millennial.
So, stick around to the end of the episode and I’ll share more details about how you can enter to make sure you get a chance to win those prizes. And without further ado let’s talk about the lie of work life balance.
Okay, let’s talk about work life balance which is one of the biggest buzzwords right now and has been for the past couple of years. It was before the pandemic but even more so now. I’m sure you’ve seen it all over LinkedIn, talked about in your office, hearing friends talk about it. And in a lot of ways this isn’t a bad thing. What I have been saying recently is more folks feeling empowered to ask about work life balance in interviews. Say no to jobs that don’t have a clear structure or support for it.
I have seen people decide to create more flexibility and support for themselves even when their offices won’t, or advocate for their organization to change. And we’ve seen leaders, and managers, and organizations really having to face the music here and start making changes and creating structures to support this. Not all of course and that’s a discussion for another day. But we really are seeing more of a spotlight on this and some movement individually, and organizationally, and even in the field.
But what I see so many of my clients and students doing and happening is aiming for work life balance has become yet another area to find fault in yourself for not achieving. Shaming yourself consciously or not, or more like low key shaming for not being able to get that balance, shoulding yourself, you should be able to have work life balance. Hustling for work life balance and then burning out even more. It’s just become another way to play out our fantasy land perfectionist tendencies.
Imagining how life will be so much better once we can get the perfect balance. And then putting ourselves down and feeling like shit, trying to achieve that perfection. And even if intellectually we know that’s not possible to have perfect balance most of you listening probably are daydreaming about it. Imagining work and personal, or homelife balancing evenly on a scale.
Picture one of those, I think they’re used for justice or law scales, or even the old school scales at markets where there’s two plates on each side. And you’re just imagining work and everything outside of work balancing perfectly. You might even picture getting your calendar scheduled perfectly, where everything gets done and you have enough time for everything, and nothing gets moved and nothing gets in the way. And envisioning a future when you achieve this balance where you finally feel at peace, not chaotic, not scattered but calm and balanced. Sounds nice, doesn’t it?
But when you Google for tips on achieving work life balance it’s very fascinating what comes up. Some of it is, it’s 100% the organization’s responsibility to make that happen and some of it is, hey, you can do, it’s up to you. And some of the advice around what you need to do is just say no more, set boundaries, set realistic expectations.
And I want to step back and talk about why we don’t say no, why we don’t set boundaries, why we don’t set realistic expectations. Because telling someone, “Hey, just say no more,” that doesn’t work. Because if you are not saying no now it’s because you have a thought preventing you from doing it. Maybe you’re thinking, well, others are going to get mad at me, or I’m going to burden others, or I’ll come off bossy and selfish.
So just telling someone, “Hey, just take this action, just change your action and choice will get you closer to work life balance,” isn’t helpful. It doesn’t work because we have to address the thinking that’s happening that’s causing that choice before you can ever have a chance of changing that action. You have to change your thinking to be empowered to even make different choices.
But I want to step back even further and think about where did this concept of work life balance come from? And what is really interesting, which I actually have never really seen discussed anywhere. There are articles, I’ll share one with you all. But you have to look for it, is the origin of this concept. So, this concept, and it wasn’t really titled, work life balance but this is where it comes from was a core agenda item for the wave of feminism movement that occurred in the 1970s and 1980s.
So, following world war two and I’m talking in the context of the US, but I think it also occurred in Britain and other parts of Europe, and in other areas but I’m just speaking to the US context. Following world war two more women were entering the workforce in a different way than before. And I want to be very specific, more white middle class women. And this is really important because we know women of color, Black women, immigrant women, for just a few examples were working in various jobs before world war two and as well as low income or poor white women as well.
But after world war two, two things were happening. The first was there was an expansion of higher education institutions and the promotion of attending them which we discussed in more detail in the future work episode a while back. And the second thing happening was the cost of living had increased to a point where a lot of families that could survive on a single family income no longer could in the white middle class families. It was becoming more difficult to maintain that and two incomes were becoming more of a necessity.
And again, I specify white middle class educated women because many families of color already had two income households. Whether that was both parents were working, or they lived more intergenerationally with aunts and uncles, or more generations contributing to the home. And that’s really important to clarify because the advocacy that came around work life balance as we call it now, at this time was a form of white feminism, meaning advocating with only the perspective of what a white woman needs, which of course leaves out so many other people.
So, in the 70s and 80s there was a lot of activism and what came to be known as the Women’s Liberation Movement. And what was coming of that was the recognition that women who went out entering the workforce were also still expected to take care of household and family responsibilities as if they weren’t working before world war two. And so, these women really pushed for various policies, from flexible hours to maternity leave, to childcare. And even some of a push for men to take more responsibility in sharing these outside of work duties in the home.
And of course, this advocacy continued into the 90s and we still see this today of course. But at that time some things were achieved, and others were not. And there is actually a really great article I found, if you’re interested in learning more, much, much more detail here called The Flexible Work Fallacy by Sarah Storr, she’s a writer and historian, focused on women, feminism, and the workplace. And we’ll leave a link in the show notes if you’re interested.
But I think the historical context is important. When we’re thinking or talking about achieving or aiming for work life balance, what it feels like and what we envision is really this act of paring back or pulling back our time in work, our investment, our mental energy, whatever it might be. To participate more in our homelife or other areas of our life. And we are, that is how it was designed.
This advocacy started because women who were previously always at home shifted into the workforce without support to reduce home responsibilities, without social policies changing, without husbands or partners shifting their responsibilities. So since then, it has been all about trying to pull back the work and get support for family, or home, or whatnot. And in addition, the framing of it as work and then life. Some people are saying work home balance now, but I think the common term is work life balance as if work and life are separate.
And particularly for women because for decades it was viewed that way. That if women are entering the workforce it’s like, hey, okay, sure, get to work, have your fun but that’s not your real life. Your life is at home with the kids, taking care of the house and that’s what you need to do. And before world war two it wasn’t really framed this way. Between the industrial revolution and world war two there were movements for sure to reduce hours, get time off, add safety protections. That’s really when unions kind of took off.
And these evolved workers who were either men, women of color, some white women that maybe were low income, at some points, children. And the framing for that advocacy was different. For example, in relation to the male workers, it wasn’t framed with advocacy about work life balance because in society for men it’s not viewed as their primary role is at home with the kids or family. They have internalized and been projected onto by society, that their role is to earn, it’s to have work. That’s their identity which is not helpful for men either, this is how the patriarchy fucks everyone up.
But during this time period when there was advocacy happening it was more about health, and safety, and other factors, and not as much life balance to support family at home, responsibilities with the kids. And if you go back and look at advocacy movements during that time period you can see there are differences in what was either being advocated for or what was achieved based on who the workers population was.
And then before the industrialized revolution even during that period still for those who were working, the line between work and homelife was much more blurry. Think about farmers, they often lived on the land they farmed, even if they did not own the farm, even if they were a tenant farmer, often they lived on the land that they worked on. Trades persons often worked out of their home. Servants or house staff lived in the home typically of the family they worked for. And of course, that changed over time.
But I’m pointing this out to say is this idea of work life balance and what that looks like has evolved over the years. So, the modern day concept of work life balance was really generated as an outcome of this white feminist idea by middle class educated white women. And I’m not saying this first to dismiss any advocacy that women of color, particularly Black women put in to get support for work life balance, or childcare, or time off for maternity leave. Because there we so many women of color and Black women doing this work and fighting for this and that needs to be recognized.
And we also know during feminist movements even to this day, white women tend to center themselves and it becomes white feminism and then what takes off, and what’s supported is really what they think they need and not for everyone. So that’s first.
And second, I’m not saying this to say it’s necessarily a bad thing in the sense of work life balance is a terrible thing to advocate for because most of us are aiming for that. We want that, no matter your gender, or race, or income level, or anything. We want to live a full life where we can feel like we’re contributing in a workspace and really changing ourselves, and having an impact. But where we also have time for ourselves, and our family, and fun, and travel, and whatever else.
But I am saying all of this to point out some of the reasons we all struggle with this concept is because the design of it and how it ended up taking off, and the advocacy that ended up kind of continuing came from one specific point of view. Not accounting for all experiences, needs of all workers, challenges, and supports needed by different women and different families. And it also helps explain why both individually and as a society we haven’t been able to ‘achieve it.’
So, we are chasing this fantasy that is both unattainable but has also been framed very sneakily, by the way, in a specific way that doesn’t meet our individual needs, or lifestyles, or goals. The goal for many of us in modern day is to work less or not have work take up as much of our mental space because that’s most of it too. To create more time in our life for whatever we want, rest, ourselves, family, travel, anything. And the formula to achieve this is different for every person based on what you want, where you are, your goals and so many other factors.
And what works best for you, your mental health, your physical health, the way your brain operates, the way your energy flows is going to be different than for someone else. And many of you, many of us don’t even know what the formula is for us because we truly don’t know what we are seeking. You have spent so much time in fantasy land of this idea of a perfect balance. And listen, I do this too, you’re not alone. That’s okay in the sense of this is just where you are. But here is where I find it helpful to start, to change the way you think about work life balance.
And doing this first can open up mental and emotional space to explore what you actually want and how you want to achieve it. So, this is the analogy I like to use. Imagine you’re a baker and right now the way you look at your work life balance is as if you are trying to bake the same cake every day and that’s the goal. And every day something goes wrong with that cake, and you can’t figure out why. And you get upset, and frustrated, shame yourself, feel like a failure.
And then also picture the day when you’ll finally get the perfect cake and then you can repeat that every day and everything will be easy. And what I want you to know, that this recipe you’re working off of maybe was not created with your needs in mind. Or maybe it’s the recipe for someone else’s cake. Or maybe is a recipe we’ve all been given that it doesn’t work, that is impossible to put together and repeat every day. Because maybe and hint, this is it, the idea that the goal to bake the same cake every day is the goal is wrong.
It's not helpful and it won’t get you the experience you want to have. Instead, be the baker that knows the point is to bake a different cake every day. Maybe one day the cake has more sugar than flour, the next day it has more flour than sugar, the next day maybe it’s a sugarless cake. And be the baker who knows that one cake isn’t better than the other, they’re just different. Each day the recipe for your experience of work and homelife is different. And it’s supposed to be.
It's not about finding the perfect recipe or creating the perfect cake. It’s about having a different recipe for each day. Sometimes you have a recipe ready for the day and you follow that as written and it all goes well. The next day you’re following that recipe and sometimes you decide in the middle of the recipe, hey, you know what, this could use a little vanilla. Or whoops, we’re out of sugar, I guess it’s going to be sugarless today. Real world translation, some days you’ll have more work and less time for yourself. Some days you’ll have more time for rest and less time for work.
Some days you’ll follow your calendar really well and other days it’s going to feel like a hot mess and like everything’s getting disrupted. Sometimes midday you’ll decide, hey, I want to give myself some fun, I’m going to happy hour earlier. Other times you might be like, you know what, I’m not in the mood today, I’m going to come back to this assignment tomorrow. Sometimes midday you’ll go, hey, you know what, I’m on a roll, I’m going to keep working past four and leave a little late.
What happens when instead of trying to bake the same cake every day and figure out the perfect recipe, when you start instead to accept that you are baking a different cake every day and that is the goal, what happens? First, you drop the perfectionist ideal, you stop beating up on yourself for not obtaining it. You are more present, and more nimble, and more flexible. Second, you actually give yourself space to figure out what your needs are, what your desires are.
You create the capacity to meet those for yourself, to make decisions that support that, confident decisions, decisions to say no and set boundaries, and make choices based on your values. Because ultimately that is what you are seeking when you’re aiming for work life balance. It’s less about the time and more about being intentional with your time, feeling good, and calm, and being kind to yourself. And you don’t need a perfect recipe and a cake baked the exact same way every day to do that.
You can have that even when you’re baking a different cake every day. And life is so much more enjoyable when you do that anyways.
Alright before we go, I just want to remind you about the Rest giveaway. It’s still happening, and you still have a chance to enter. The giveaway ends May 2nd, so make sure you enter to win one of three amazing prizes. The first of which is $150 spa gift card to a local spa. You finally get the chance to take some time to pamper you, whether you want a massage, or a facial or any other treatment. And we are going to gift it at a local spa and support local business near you. Amazing.
The other potential gifts or prizes you can get, one of which are two books I personally have read and recommend. One is called Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle by Emily Nagoski and Amelia Nagoski. And the other is called Rest: Why You Get More Done When You Work Less by Alex Soojung-Kim Pang. Whether you want paper book copies or audio copies, the winner will get to choose.
And the last amazing prize is a Health Equity Matters sweatshirt by the Public Health Millennial. So, you can wear your values on your apparel and let everyone know what matters to you.
So, if you haven’t entered and you want to enter, go to the link in the show notes for the giveaway and you’ll enter your name and your email. And you’ll get a certain amount of points just by doing that. And then you have some chances to earn even more points, and the three folks with the most points win. So, the first is rate and review the show. And you want to do this from inside the giveaway portal.
Don’t worry, when you enter your name and email it will show you exactly. It will pop up and show the next steps. It’s very easy, you can’t miss it. And then from there, again, from the giveaway portal you can share it to LinkedIn, you can share it to Instagram, to Facebook to get even more points. So, make sure you go ahead and go do that, so you get a chance to win one of these amazing prizes. It ends next Monday, May 2nd, don’t wait, do it right now. Thanks all, see you next week.
If you found this episode helpful then you have to check out my coaching program where I provide you individualized support to create a life centered around rest. Head on over to mckoolcoaching.com, that’s M-C-K-O-O-L coaching.com to learn more.
Hi everyone. How are you on this Monday or whatever day you’re listening? I so appreciate you tuning in, hitting play, putting it on your car speaker, putting your Airpods in, listening while you’re walking your dog, or doing the dishes, or wherever you’re at in the world, whatever you’re doing while you’re listening. I’m so, so glad you’re here. And this week has been really challenging for me personally. Work has been great, coaching has been great, that’s been amazing.
But personally, there’s been a lot of stuff going on. And you know what has really filled my soul and I just wanted to thank every single one of you for listening. Some of the reviews for the podcast are coming in and I’m reading them in such pure gratitude and joy. And this is why I do this podcast because of it helping you all, and hearing from you and how it’s helping you just fills my soul. And especially on a week like this week where there has been some challenging things going on. Thank you so much for your kind words, for sharing how this is helping you.
I know for sure your reviews help others to tune into this podcast and get this help. But I also just want to share, genuinely they have helped me so much. And I really appreciate the feedback. And I want to just share a few that have really stuck out to me. I won’t read the whole thing.
But this one says, “A social worker here and I just want to say, anyone in a public service profession will benefit from Marissa’s lessons and principles. While there are some tried and true mindset tools that help across professions, public service professionals also have their own specific wants, needs, and thought errors.” I love that and I’m so glad all of you who are in other helping professions, social work, even teachers, or wherever you are, are also finding this podcast and finding it useful. That just fills my soul.
Here's another one I want to quickly ready that I read, and it just honestly almost brought me to tears. This person says, “I found this podcast through LinkedIn, and I’m impressed with the fresh take on burnout within public health professionals. Many of us grew up simply wanting to help others. We choose to work as ‘public servants’ which comes with a lot of work, little time off and quite a bit of stress. I appreciate any resource that encourages me to take care of myself. These insights are especially meaningful given the great career migration of the COVID years.”
And first to everyone who’s reviewed and even emailed, or DM’d, or share, I thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. Because those reviews, what those individuals said is exactly why I do this podcast. Whether you’re in public health, or an adjacent field, or you’ve left public health, the impacts of the burnout and the stress are paramount to address. And I’m glad I can do my little part to help in the field where so many other people are doing work to try to encourage rest and eliminate burnout.
And I’m so honored to be a part of that community, and of this podcast community, and of us helping each other. So, I just wanted to start the episode off by saying thank you so, so much. And as most of you know, and if you’re new here this might be new news to you but right now we are doing a podcast giveaway. The last day to enter is next Monday, May 2nd. You can win a $150 gift card to a local spa, amazing book set I have read, and I recommend called Burnout and Rest. And a Health Equity sweatshirt from the Public Health Millennial.
So, stick around to the end of the episode and I’ll share more details about how you can enter to make sure you get a chance to win those prizes. And without further ado let’s talk about the lie of work life balance.
Okay, let’s talk about work life balance which is one of the biggest buzzwords right now and has been for the past couple of years. It was before the pandemic but even more so now. I’m sure you’ve seen it all over LinkedIn, talked about in your office, hearing friends talk about it. And in a lot of ways this isn’t a bad thing. What I have been saying recently is more folks feeling empowered to ask about work life balance in interviews. Say no to jobs that don’t have a clear structure or support for it.
I have seen people decide to create more flexibility and support for themselves even when their offices won’t, or advocate for their organization to change. And we’ve seen leaders, and managers, and organizations really having to face the music here and start making changes and creating structures to support this. Not all of course and that’s a discussion for another day. But we really are seeing more of a spotlight on this and some movement individually, and organizationally, and even in the field.
But what I see so many of my clients and students doing and happening is aiming for work life balance has become yet another area to find fault in yourself for not achieving. Shaming yourself consciously or not, or more like low key shaming for not being able to get that balance, shoulding yourself, you should be able to have work life balance. Hustling for work life balance and then burning out even more. It’s just become another way to play out our fantasy land perfectionist tendencies.
Imagining how life will be so much better once we can get the perfect balance. And then putting ourselves down and feeling like shit, trying to achieve that perfection. And even if intellectually we know that’s not possible to have perfect balance most of you listening probably are daydreaming about it. Imagining work and personal, or homelife balancing evenly on a scale.
Picture one of those, I think they’re used for justice or law scales, or even the old school scales at markets where there’s two plates on each side. And you’re just imagining work and everything outside of work balancing perfectly. You might even picture getting your calendar scheduled perfectly, where everything gets done and you have enough time for everything, and nothing gets moved and nothing gets in the way. And envisioning a future when you achieve this balance where you finally feel at peace, not chaotic, not scattered but calm and balanced. Sounds nice, doesn’t it?
But when you Google for tips on achieving work life balance it’s very fascinating what comes up. Some of it is, it’s 100% the organization’s responsibility to make that happen and some of it is, hey, you can do, it’s up to you. And some of the advice around what you need to do is just say no more, set boundaries, set realistic expectations.
And I want to step back and talk about why we don’t say no, why we don’t set boundaries, why we don’t set realistic expectations. Because telling someone, “Hey, just say no more,” that doesn’t work. Because if you are not saying no now it’s because you have a thought preventing you from doing it. Maybe you’re thinking, well, others are going to get mad at me, or I’m going to burden others, or I’ll come off bossy and selfish.
So just telling someone, “Hey, just take this action, just change your action and choice will get you closer to work life balance,” isn’t helpful. It doesn’t work because we have to address the thinking that’s happening that’s causing that choice before you can ever have a chance of changing that action. You have to change your thinking to be empowered to even make different choices.
But I want to step back even further and think about where did this concept of work life balance come from? And what is really interesting, which I actually have never really seen discussed anywhere. There are articles, I’ll share one with you all. But you have to look for it, is the origin of this concept. So, this concept, and it wasn’t really titled, work life balance but this is where it comes from was a core agenda item for the wave of feminism movement that occurred in the 1970s and 1980s.
So, following world war two and I’m talking in the context of the US, but I think it also occurred in Britain and other parts of Europe, and in other areas but I’m just speaking to the US context. Following world war two more women were entering the workforce in a different way than before. And I want to be very specific, more white middle class women. And this is really important because we know women of color, Black women, immigrant women, for just a few examples were working in various jobs before world war two and as well as low income or poor white women as well.
But after world war two, two things were happening. The first was there was an expansion of higher education institutions and the promotion of attending them which we discussed in more detail in the future work episode a while back. And the second thing happening was the cost of living had increased to a point where a lot of families that could survive on a single family income no longer could in the white middle class families. It was becoming more difficult to maintain that and two incomes were becoming more of a necessity.
And again, I specify white middle class educated women because many families of color already had two income households. Whether that was both parents were working, or they lived more intergenerationally with aunts and uncles, or more generations contributing to the home. And that’s really important to clarify because the advocacy that came around work life balance as we call it now, at this time was a form of white feminism, meaning advocating with only the perspective of what a white woman needs, which of course leaves out so many other people.
So, in the 70s and 80s there was a lot of activism and what came to be known as the Women’s Liberation Movement. And what was coming of that was the recognition that women who went out entering the workforce were also still expected to take care of household and family responsibilities as if they weren’t working before world war two. And so, these women really pushed for various policies, from flexible hours to maternity leave, to childcare. And even some of a push for men to take more responsibility in sharing these outside of work duties in the home.
And of course, this advocacy continued into the 90s and we still see this today of course. But at that time some things were achieved, and others were not. And there is actually a really great article I found, if you’re interested in learning more, much, much more detail here called The Flexible Work Fallacy by Sarah Storr, she’s a writer and historian, focused on women, feminism, and the workplace. And we’ll leave a link in the show notes if you’re interested.
But I think the historical context is important. When we’re thinking or talking about achieving or aiming for work life balance, what it feels like and what we envision is really this act of paring back or pulling back our time in work, our investment, our mental energy, whatever it might be. To participate more in our homelife or other areas of our life. And we are, that is how it was designed.
This advocacy started because women who were previously always at home shifted into the workforce without support to reduce home responsibilities, without social policies changing, without husbands or partners shifting their responsibilities. So since then, it has been all about trying to pull back the work and get support for family, or home, or whatnot. And in addition, the framing of it as work and then life. Some people are saying work home balance now, but I think the common term is work life balance as if work and life are separate.
And particularly for women because for decades it was viewed that way. That if women are entering the workforce it’s like, hey, okay, sure, get to work, have your fun but that’s not your real life. Your life is at home with the kids, taking care of the house and that’s what you need to do. And before world war two it wasn’t really framed this way. Between the industrial revolution and world war two there were movements for sure to reduce hours, get time off, add safety protections. That’s really when unions kind of took off.
And these evolved workers who were either men, women of color, some white women that maybe were low income, at some points, children. And the framing for that advocacy was different. For example, in relation to the male workers, it wasn’t framed with advocacy about work life balance because in society for men it’s not viewed as their primary role is at home with the kids or family. They have internalized and been projected onto by society, that their role is to earn, it’s to have work. That’s their identity which is not helpful for men either, this is how the patriarchy fucks everyone up.
But during this time period when there was advocacy happening it was more about health, and safety, and other factors, and not as much life balance to support family at home, responsibilities with the kids. And if you go back and look at advocacy movements during that time period you can see there are differences in what was either being advocated for or what was achieved based on who the workers population was.
And then before the industrialized revolution even during that period still for those who were working, the line between work and homelife was much more blurry. Think about farmers, they often lived on the land they farmed, even if they did not own the farm, even if they were a tenant farmer, often they lived on the land that they worked on. Trades persons often worked out of their home. Servants or house staff lived in the home typically of the family they worked for. And of course, that changed over time.
But I’m pointing this out to say is this idea of work life balance and what that looks like has evolved over the years. So, the modern day concept of work life balance was really generated as an outcome of this white feminist idea by middle class educated white women. And I’m not saying this first to dismiss any advocacy that women of color, particularly Black women put in to get support for work life balance, or childcare, or time off for maternity leave. Because there we so many women of color and Black women doing this work and fighting for this and that needs to be recognized.
And we also know during feminist movements even to this day, white women tend to center themselves and it becomes white feminism and then what takes off, and what’s supported is really what they think they need and not for everyone. So that’s first.
And second, I’m not saying this to say it’s necessarily a bad thing in the sense of work life balance is a terrible thing to advocate for because most of us are aiming for that. We want that, no matter your gender, or race, or income level, or anything. We want to live a full life where we can feel like we’re contributing in a workspace and really changing ourselves, and having an impact. But where we also have time for ourselves, and our family, and fun, and travel, and whatever else.
But I am saying all of this to point out some of the reasons we all struggle with this concept is because the design of it and how it ended up taking off, and the advocacy that ended up kind of continuing came from one specific point of view. Not accounting for all experiences, needs of all workers, challenges, and supports needed by different women and different families. And it also helps explain why both individually and as a society we haven’t been able to ‘achieve it.’
So, we are chasing this fantasy that is both unattainable but has also been framed very sneakily, by the way, in a specific way that doesn’t meet our individual needs, or lifestyles, or goals. The goal for many of us in modern day is to work less or not have work take up as much of our mental space because that’s most of it too. To create more time in our life for whatever we want, rest, ourselves, family, travel, anything. And the formula to achieve this is different for every person based on what you want, where you are, your goals and so many other factors.
And what works best for you, your mental health, your physical health, the way your brain operates, the way your energy flows is going to be different than for someone else. And many of you, many of us don’t even know what the formula is for us because we truly don’t know what we are seeking. You have spent so much time in fantasy land of this idea of a perfect balance. And listen, I do this too, you’re not alone. That’s okay in the sense of this is just where you are. But here is where I find it helpful to start, to change the way you think about work life balance.
And doing this first can open up mental and emotional space to explore what you actually want and how you want to achieve it. So, this is the analogy I like to use. Imagine you’re a baker and right now the way you look at your work life balance is as if you are trying to bake the same cake every day and that’s the goal. And every day something goes wrong with that cake, and you can’t figure out why. And you get upset, and frustrated, shame yourself, feel like a failure.
And then also picture the day when you’ll finally get the perfect cake and then you can repeat that every day and everything will be easy. And what I want you to know, that this recipe you’re working off of maybe was not created with your needs in mind. Or maybe it’s the recipe for someone else’s cake. Or maybe is a recipe we’ve all been given that it doesn’t work, that is impossible to put together and repeat every day. Because maybe and hint, this is it, the idea that the goal to bake the same cake every day is the goal is wrong.
It's not helpful and it won’t get you the experience you want to have. Instead, be the baker that knows the point is to bake a different cake every day. Maybe one day the cake has more sugar than flour, the next day it has more flour than sugar, the next day maybe it’s a sugarless cake. And be the baker who knows that one cake isn’t better than the other, they’re just different. Each day the recipe for your experience of work and homelife is different. And it’s supposed to be.
It's not about finding the perfect recipe or creating the perfect cake. It’s about having a different recipe for each day. Sometimes you have a recipe ready for the day and you follow that as written and it all goes well. The next day you’re following that recipe and sometimes you decide in the middle of the recipe, hey, you know what, this could use a little vanilla. Or whoops, we’re out of sugar, I guess it’s going to be sugarless today. Real world translation, some days you’ll have more work and less time for yourself. Some days you’ll have more time for rest and less time for work.
Some days you’ll follow your calendar really well and other days it’s going to feel like a hot mess and like everything’s getting disrupted. Sometimes midday you’ll decide, hey, I want to give myself some fun, I’m going to happy hour earlier. Other times you might be like, you know what, I’m not in the mood today, I’m going to come back to this assignment tomorrow. Sometimes midday you’ll go, hey, you know what, I’m on a roll, I’m going to keep working past four and leave a little late.
What happens when instead of trying to bake the same cake every day and figure out the perfect recipe, when you start instead to accept that you are baking a different cake every day and that is the goal, what happens? First, you drop the perfectionist ideal, you stop beating up on yourself for not obtaining it. You are more present, and more nimble, and more flexible. Second, you actually give yourself space to figure out what your needs are, what your desires are.
You create the capacity to meet those for yourself, to make decisions that support that, confident decisions, decisions to say no and set boundaries, and make choices based on your values. Because ultimately that is what you are seeking when you’re aiming for work life balance. It’s less about the time and more about being intentional with your time, feeling good, and calm, and being kind to yourself. And you don’t need a perfect recipe and a cake baked the exact same way every day to do that.
You can have that even when you’re baking a different cake every day. And life is so much more enjoyable when you do that anyways.
Alright before we go, I just want to remind you about the Rest giveaway. It’s still happening, and you still have a chance to enter. The giveaway ends May 2nd, so make sure you enter to win one of three amazing prizes. The first of which is $150 spa gift card to a local spa. You finally get the chance to take some time to pamper you, whether you want a massage, or a facial or any other treatment. And we are going to gift it at a local spa and support local business near you. Amazing.
The other potential gifts or prizes you can get, one of which are two books I personally have read and recommend. One is called Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle by Emily Nagoski and Amelia Nagoski. And the other is called Rest: Why You Get More Done When You Work Less by Alex Soojung-Kim Pang. Whether you want paper book copies or audio copies, the winner will get to choose.
And the last amazing prize is a Health Equity Matters sweatshirt by the Public Health Millennial. So, you can wear your values on your apparel and let everyone know what matters to you.
So, if you haven’t entered and you want to enter, go to the link in the show notes for the giveaway and you’ll enter your name and your email. And you’ll get a certain amount of points just by doing that. And then you have some chances to earn even more points, and the three folks with the most points win. So, the first is rate and review the show. And you want to do this from inside the giveaway portal.
Don’t worry, when you enter your name and email it will show you exactly. It will pop up and show the next steps. It’s very easy, you can’t miss it. And then from there, again, from the giveaway portal you can share it to LinkedIn, you can share it to Instagram, to Facebook to get even more points. So, make sure you go ahead and go do that, so you get a chance to win one of these amazing prizes. It ends next Monday, May 2nd, don’t wait, do it right now. Thanks all, see you next week.
If you found this episode helpful then you have to check out my coaching program where I provide you individualized support to create a life centered around rest. Head on over to mckoolcoaching.com, that’s M-C-K-O-O-L coaching.com to learn more.
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