65. When Rest Feels Uncomfortable
When we think of rest, we think of it as the absence of doing something and the ability to turn our minds off and stop thinking about all that we have to do. We also expect it to always feel good emotionally, with no anxiety or worry. So what happens when it doesn’t feel good? What happens when it feels uncomfortable?
Believing that rest should always be fun and that your mind should be quiet when you decide to rest is like giving someone who doesn’t like carrots carrot juice and expecting them to all of a sudden like it. It’s not the way it works. When you place an unrealistic expectation on yourself that your brain should be quiet when you decide to rest, you are setting yourself up for disappointment and resistance.
In this episode, I’m sharing some of the things that make rest harder for us, and some of the thoughts your brain might offer you around it when it doesn’t feel good. Hear why nothing has gone wrong if rest doesn’t feel good to you, and find out why taking rest is still essential in building a stronger relationship with yourself, even when it doesn’t feel good.
If you want to take this work deeper and learn the tools and skills to feel better, all while having my support and guidance each step of the way, I invite you to set up a time to chat with me. Click here to grab a spot on my calendar and I can’t wait to speak to you!
The Burnout Recovery course is out and available right now! Join this three-part mini-course to get concrete tools and skills to help you reduce pandemic stress, deal with difficult bosses, and reduce your workload.
What You Will Discover:
Why there is no such thing as experiencing great, fun, enjoyable rest all the time.
How to stop resisting your emotions and thoughts about rest and accept them.
The reason I am so passionate about rest.
How rest is 50:50.
The true purpose of rest and how to start viewing it differently.
How so many of us have been socialized not to rest.
Why you can experience rest with any uncomfortable emotion you are having.
Resources:
Get The Burnout Recovery Resolution mini-course right now by signing up here!
Sign up for a Curiosity Call to find out if individual coaching can help you!
Follow me on Instagram!
Questions? Comments? I'd love to hear from you! Email me at info@mckoolcoaching.com
Join my weekly mailing list to get bonus free resources and coaching opportunities!
Full Episode Transcript:
Hey, you all, I’m Marissa McKool, and you’re listening to the Redefining Rest Podcast for public health professionals. Here we believe rest is your right. You don’t have to earn it, you just have to learn how to take it and I’m going to teach you. Ready? Come along.
Hi, friends. Hi, colleagues. Hi, family. Hi, community. What’s up? I’m so glad you’re here, so glad you hit play. How you doing? I know I ask that at the beginning of almost every podcast, but it really matters to check in with yourself. I’ve been doing pretty good. I have some weird back pain going on. I don’t really know what’s happening. But luckily I have a massage scheduled tomorrow that I had scheduled previously. So, timing’s working out great. I’ve had a lot going on.
My partner and I had an engagement dinner with our families this past weekend that went really well and I’m really happy about. And we get a little bit of a break the next couple of weeks from traveling and then we have a trip in a couple of weeks with some of my college roommates. That’s going to be really fun. So, I am just enjoying being home a little bit more the next couple weeks and being able to get a little bit time doing whatever I want at home and not traveling. So that’s where I’m at and what’s going on with me.
Today’s episode is actually based on something that happens and is going on with many of my clients all the time which is when rest feels uncomfortable. It is one of the main things that comes up with every single client I work with is this experience that rest does not feel good. So, what happens is we start to work together and then after a couple of weeks maybe they start getting their work done more efficiently so they have more time, or they start to detach from needing to do everything all the time and chasing productivity.
So, they have more time to themselves or whatever it may be, depending on the specific area we’re working on. And it just creates more space for them and more time to do whatever they want including whatever rest is for them. And then inevitably we have a session where they come and say, “You know, I tried to rest, I tried to go on a walk, or read, or take time off, or even have a spa day,” or whatever it was. And they go, “It felt terrible. It was so uncomfortable. I didn’t like it.”
And what they think, what their brain thinks happened is something went wrong. They did it wrong, or they shouldn’t have been resting, or it was a sign. And we coach on that. So that’s what we’re going to talk about today. So, this episode is for you if you have ever experienced trying to rest and it not being relaxing, or fun, or enjoyable. Now, if you are someone who has always had great relaxing restful rest, then this episode isn’t really for you which means this podcast episode is for everyone because there’s no such thing as experiencing great, enjoyable fun, relaxing rest all the time.
So let me explain. We think of rest as the absence of doing something, so less work, fewer chores, time off from parenting and has the ability to turn our minds off and stop thinking. Stop thinking about what we have to do or how we haven’t done enough. And we also expect rest to always feel good emotionally. There will be no anxiety or no worry, we’ll feel peace, or calm. And when we imagine, or picture, or anticipate rest, this is what we envision. Rest will feel 100% peaceful. Our minds will turn off, they’ll be quiet. Our anxiety will disappear. We’ll feel calm and happy.
And so when rest doesn’t go that way we think we’re doing it wrong. We haven’t earned it. It’s not possible. Something’s happened. I need to fix this. I think a great example of this is those of you who don’t have a meditation practice but have tried meditation before or even yoga, or even a massage. And you going to doing that activity for the first time, second time, third time, expecting the experience to be your mind turns off and is silent. And then that doesn’t happen. I think we’ve all had this experience even going on vacation.
And our brains think something’s gone wrong. Here is the secret. Nothing has gone wrong. Number one, your brain does not turn off, I’m serious, ever. And when I say ever I mean assuming you are alive and you’re not in a coma. But even some folks who are, depending on the type of coma and medical condition, their brain’s still working. But we’re not really talking about that today. If you’re listening to this actively your brain’s not turning off. When you daydream, your brain is working. When you zone out, your brain is working.
When you sleep your brain is working. When you sleep your brain is just as active as when you’re awake. And I’m not just talking about dreams, I’m talking about it goes over days events. It creates memories. It absorbs what you learned. It problem solves. When you are zoning out your brain is enhancing creativity. It’s connecting regions across the brain. So, when you place the unrealistic expectation on yourself that when you decide to rest your mind should be quiet you are setting yourself up for disappointment and resistance.
Even in meditation the goal is not to silence your brain, of course because that’s not really possible. It’s to allow your thoughts to come and go and not attach to them. Believing that your mind should be quiet the moment you decide to rest whatever that rest activity is for you, it’s like giving someone who doesn’t like carrots, carrot juice and expecting them to all of a sudden like it. That’s not the way it works. And second, most of the time that rest feels uncomfortable it’s because you are taking rest when you have been socialized not to rest.
You have been told directly and indirectly your whole life that you have to earn rest, that you have to do ‘enough’ to rest. So, most of the time when you are resting whether you did ‘enough’ or not, because enough is arbitrary, enough is subjective, and our brains never believe we ever do enough, again from socialization. So, when you do rest your brain goes, we shouldn’t be doing this, there’s more to do. I could be doing this. I could be using my time better. You have to hurry up. That narrative in your brain is part of what’s uncomfortable.
And that narrative in your brain is totally normal. It makes perfect sense. You have been socialized in a very toxic, capitalistic, productivity hustle culture that tells you, you have to earn rest, you have to justify it, it’s only a reward. It has to be given to you and all that other bullshit. So of course, your brain is offering you those thoughts when you take rest. It doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong or that you shouldn’t rest.
It’s like if you lived in one city your whole life and in that city you had to pay for parking everywhere, there was no free parking. And the parking monitor people were ruthless. They came by the second your meter ran out and you got major fines if you ran out of time or didn’t move your car. And so, you built this practice of always being on alert. You had timers on your phone. You went back to your car early. You always had quarters. You were always checking in.
And then you move to a city where parking’s free. At first you might be like, this is great, but you probably wouldn’t really actually enjoy the experience for a while because you probably have a lot of moments in the day where your brain still goes, oh, shit, do I need to have more money? Or tells you, you need to move the car, or I didn’t put enough money in. Or you have to check the car. It still has that autopilot programmed response, that programming is still in your brain, of course it is. Of course, it’s still running that programming. It's the same thing with rest.
And here’s the third piece. What also makes rest harder for ourselves is our reaction to our brain when we try to rest. So not only is your brain still chattering on and still thinking you shouldn’t rest, and offering you a bunch of thoughts, but then what makes it even harder is your reaction to your brain. You start judging yourself, and shaming yourself, and being hard on yourself.
And that makes it 10 times worse, that resistance, that reaction rather than just being like, of course. Of course, my brain’s doing this. Of course, my brain’s saying this. That’s not a problem, it’s okay. Listen, brain, I understand why you’re doing this, noted, sent to HR, we’re resting anyways. You can keep chattering, it’s okay, not true, it’s no big deal. What a difference that is. Listen, you all, rest is 50/50. The experience of rest is 50/50 just like emotions. Half the time rest feels good, you enjoy it, you’re better able to be present. It feels really peaceful.
And half the time it doesn’t really feel that good. You get distracted. You aren’t in a bliss state. And maybe where you are right now, rest really feels more like 80/20, 80% of the time it doesn’t feel good and 20% of the time it does. That 80% will go down to 50 when you stop resisting your emotions, stop resisting your thoughts and reacting to your brain when it’s chattering and just accepting that and being okay with it. And then it will become more of a 50/50 and that’s where it will pretty much stay. Rest is 50/50 and that’s the way it’s supposed to be.
Just like how there are some vacations you’ve gone on that you love more than others. There’s some vacations you had so much fun, you were really present and other vacations you were distracted, and you didn’t really have a good time. Just because you went on a vacation, and it didn’t go as planned or wasn’t as fun as you thought it would be doesn’t mean you will never vacation again. At least I hope it doesn’t for you. I don’t think it should. It’s the same with rest.
The purpose of rest is to not feel good or better all the time. The purpose of rest is to give your mind and body what it needs to function as a human. While you are resting so much is happening in your mind and body you aren’t even aware of. From your respiratory system, to your cardiovascular system even neurologically, and emotionally, and more. If rest emotionally doesn’t feel amazing every time, if you don’t go from anxious to calm, from overwhelm to peaceful, every time you take rest that doesn’t mean you don’t take rest.
You can absolutely rest while feeling anxious or overwhelmed. You can experience rest with any emotion you’re having. You can still take it. You can allow it to be uncomfortable. You can allow your brain to do its brain thing and chatter on and you can still take rest. Rest is a practice, it is a skill, and it is something your body needs, that you need, your mind needs. And truly the reason I’m so passionate about rest is building the practice of rest is really building a relationship with yourself. That is the power.
We become so disconnected from who we are, who we want to be, our desires, we stop listening to ourselves and checking in with ourselves, because society tells us we shouldn’t, or we can’t and there’s a lot happening in the world. And the practice of rest even when you’re resting when it’s uncomfortable, or even when you’re resting when your brain’s being an asshole to you, or even when you’re resting when you feel anxious. Building that practice is building a relationship with yourself, of creating integrity with yourself, of showing yourself you value yourself.
It's getting to know yourself, it’s showing up for you, it’s having your own back, that is the power of this work. So, the next time you go to take rest and you noticed your brain freaking out, or emotionally you still feel anxious, just remind yourself, rest is 50/50. This is how it’s supposed to feel sometimes, that’s okay, it’s not a problem that this feels uncomfortable. Nothing has gone wrong you all, you know that’s my favorite thought, I tell it to myself all the time, nothing’s gone wrong.
So, before we go I have a huge, huge shout out thank you to share. Those of you who have taken time, precious time out of your schedules to review the podcast truly I am so grateful. I do not take that lightly. It means so much to me because that takes time and intention. You have to remember to do that. I have the memory of a goldfish, you all. My partner can attest to this. So, I know it’s not easy work to just remember to review a podcast and that means a lot to me because it’s helping other people in our community find the podcast and get the help.
So, I want to share a recent review that someone posted that really meant a lot to me, and I think it is going to help a lot of folks find this podcast. And they wrote, “I’m learning so much from this podcast, I’ve actually listened to chasing productivity multiple times. And it’s helping me see that my ideas about being productive have been totally wearing me out. I’m also enjoying learning what it means to rest. I’m not in public health and these messages still apply.”
Thank you so much to that listener for sharing your experience. I am so glad this is helping folks beyond public health. And I know so many other people searching the podcast, looking for help on burnout, or rest, or productivity or whatever it may be will find that, and read it and be like, oh my gosh, I have to listen and then they’ll get the help. They’ll be able to listen to that chasing productivity podcast and get the help you’re getting. So, thank you, thank you, thank you so much.
If you haven’t reviewed yet and you can, you feel like you have the capacity or ability, I would really appreciate it if you can share. You can totally share your favorite episode like this listener did, or just something you learned, you can write one sentence, three sentences, doesn’t matter. Whatever you share will be so valuable and so helpful to getting the podcast out to more people. So, with that, thanks again to those of you who have reviewed. Thanks to all of you for listening in and showing up for yourself, and building this relationship with yourself through rest.
Alright you all, have a great week, talk to you next week. Bye.
If you found this episode helpful then you have to check out my coaching program where I provide you individualized support to create a life centered around rest. Head on over to mckoolcoaching.com, that’s M-C-K-O-O-L coaching.com to learn more.
Hi, friends. Hi, colleagues. Hi, family. Hi, community. What’s up? I’m so glad you’re here, so glad you hit play. How you doing? I know I ask that at the beginning of almost every podcast, but it really matters to check in with yourself. I’ve been doing pretty good. I have some weird back pain going on. I don’t really know what’s happening. But luckily I have a massage scheduled tomorrow that I had scheduled previously. So, timing’s working out great. I’ve had a lot going on.
My partner and I had an engagement dinner with our families this past weekend that went really well and I’m really happy about. And we get a little bit of a break the next couple of weeks from traveling and then we have a trip in a couple of weeks with some of my college roommates. That’s going to be really fun. So, I am just enjoying being home a little bit more the next couple weeks and being able to get a little bit time doing whatever I want at home and not traveling. So that’s where I’m at and what’s going on with me.
Today’s episode is actually based on something that happens and is going on with many of my clients all the time which is when rest feels uncomfortable. It is one of the main things that comes up with every single client I work with is this experience that rest does not feel good. So, what happens is we start to work together and then after a couple of weeks maybe they start getting their work done more efficiently so they have more time, or they start to detach from needing to do everything all the time and chasing productivity.
So, they have more time to themselves or whatever it may be, depending on the specific area we’re working on. And it just creates more space for them and more time to do whatever they want including whatever rest is for them. And then inevitably we have a session where they come and say, “You know, I tried to rest, I tried to go on a walk, or read, or take time off, or even have a spa day,” or whatever it was. And they go, “It felt terrible. It was so uncomfortable. I didn’t like it.”
And what they think, what their brain thinks happened is something went wrong. They did it wrong, or they shouldn’t have been resting, or it was a sign. And we coach on that. So that’s what we’re going to talk about today. So, this episode is for you if you have ever experienced trying to rest and it not being relaxing, or fun, or enjoyable. Now, if you are someone who has always had great relaxing restful rest, then this episode isn’t really for you which means this podcast episode is for everyone because there’s no such thing as experiencing great, enjoyable fun, relaxing rest all the time.
So let me explain. We think of rest as the absence of doing something, so less work, fewer chores, time off from parenting and has the ability to turn our minds off and stop thinking. Stop thinking about what we have to do or how we haven’t done enough. And we also expect rest to always feel good emotionally. There will be no anxiety or no worry, we’ll feel peace, or calm. And when we imagine, or picture, or anticipate rest, this is what we envision. Rest will feel 100% peaceful. Our minds will turn off, they’ll be quiet. Our anxiety will disappear. We’ll feel calm and happy.
And so when rest doesn’t go that way we think we’re doing it wrong. We haven’t earned it. It’s not possible. Something’s happened. I need to fix this. I think a great example of this is those of you who don’t have a meditation practice but have tried meditation before or even yoga, or even a massage. And you going to doing that activity for the first time, second time, third time, expecting the experience to be your mind turns off and is silent. And then that doesn’t happen. I think we’ve all had this experience even going on vacation.
And our brains think something’s gone wrong. Here is the secret. Nothing has gone wrong. Number one, your brain does not turn off, I’m serious, ever. And when I say ever I mean assuming you are alive and you’re not in a coma. But even some folks who are, depending on the type of coma and medical condition, their brain’s still working. But we’re not really talking about that today. If you’re listening to this actively your brain’s not turning off. When you daydream, your brain is working. When you zone out, your brain is working.
When you sleep your brain is working. When you sleep your brain is just as active as when you’re awake. And I’m not just talking about dreams, I’m talking about it goes over days events. It creates memories. It absorbs what you learned. It problem solves. When you are zoning out your brain is enhancing creativity. It’s connecting regions across the brain. So, when you place the unrealistic expectation on yourself that when you decide to rest your mind should be quiet you are setting yourself up for disappointment and resistance.
Even in meditation the goal is not to silence your brain, of course because that’s not really possible. It’s to allow your thoughts to come and go and not attach to them. Believing that your mind should be quiet the moment you decide to rest whatever that rest activity is for you, it’s like giving someone who doesn’t like carrots, carrot juice and expecting them to all of a sudden like it. That’s not the way it works. And second, most of the time that rest feels uncomfortable it’s because you are taking rest when you have been socialized not to rest.
You have been told directly and indirectly your whole life that you have to earn rest, that you have to do ‘enough’ to rest. So, most of the time when you are resting whether you did ‘enough’ or not, because enough is arbitrary, enough is subjective, and our brains never believe we ever do enough, again from socialization. So, when you do rest your brain goes, we shouldn’t be doing this, there’s more to do. I could be doing this. I could be using my time better. You have to hurry up. That narrative in your brain is part of what’s uncomfortable.
And that narrative in your brain is totally normal. It makes perfect sense. You have been socialized in a very toxic, capitalistic, productivity hustle culture that tells you, you have to earn rest, you have to justify it, it’s only a reward. It has to be given to you and all that other bullshit. So of course, your brain is offering you those thoughts when you take rest. It doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong or that you shouldn’t rest.
It’s like if you lived in one city your whole life and in that city you had to pay for parking everywhere, there was no free parking. And the parking monitor people were ruthless. They came by the second your meter ran out and you got major fines if you ran out of time or didn’t move your car. And so, you built this practice of always being on alert. You had timers on your phone. You went back to your car early. You always had quarters. You were always checking in.
And then you move to a city where parking’s free. At first you might be like, this is great, but you probably wouldn’t really actually enjoy the experience for a while because you probably have a lot of moments in the day where your brain still goes, oh, shit, do I need to have more money? Or tells you, you need to move the car, or I didn’t put enough money in. Or you have to check the car. It still has that autopilot programmed response, that programming is still in your brain, of course it is. Of course, it’s still running that programming. It's the same thing with rest.
And here’s the third piece. What also makes rest harder for ourselves is our reaction to our brain when we try to rest. So not only is your brain still chattering on and still thinking you shouldn’t rest, and offering you a bunch of thoughts, but then what makes it even harder is your reaction to your brain. You start judging yourself, and shaming yourself, and being hard on yourself.
And that makes it 10 times worse, that resistance, that reaction rather than just being like, of course. Of course, my brain’s doing this. Of course, my brain’s saying this. That’s not a problem, it’s okay. Listen, brain, I understand why you’re doing this, noted, sent to HR, we’re resting anyways. You can keep chattering, it’s okay, not true, it’s no big deal. What a difference that is. Listen, you all, rest is 50/50. The experience of rest is 50/50 just like emotions. Half the time rest feels good, you enjoy it, you’re better able to be present. It feels really peaceful.
And half the time it doesn’t really feel that good. You get distracted. You aren’t in a bliss state. And maybe where you are right now, rest really feels more like 80/20, 80% of the time it doesn’t feel good and 20% of the time it does. That 80% will go down to 50 when you stop resisting your emotions, stop resisting your thoughts and reacting to your brain when it’s chattering and just accepting that and being okay with it. And then it will become more of a 50/50 and that’s where it will pretty much stay. Rest is 50/50 and that’s the way it’s supposed to be.
Just like how there are some vacations you’ve gone on that you love more than others. There’s some vacations you had so much fun, you were really present and other vacations you were distracted, and you didn’t really have a good time. Just because you went on a vacation, and it didn’t go as planned or wasn’t as fun as you thought it would be doesn’t mean you will never vacation again. At least I hope it doesn’t for you. I don’t think it should. It’s the same with rest.
The purpose of rest is to not feel good or better all the time. The purpose of rest is to give your mind and body what it needs to function as a human. While you are resting so much is happening in your mind and body you aren’t even aware of. From your respiratory system, to your cardiovascular system even neurologically, and emotionally, and more. If rest emotionally doesn’t feel amazing every time, if you don’t go from anxious to calm, from overwhelm to peaceful, every time you take rest that doesn’t mean you don’t take rest.
You can absolutely rest while feeling anxious or overwhelmed. You can experience rest with any emotion you’re having. You can still take it. You can allow it to be uncomfortable. You can allow your brain to do its brain thing and chatter on and you can still take rest. Rest is a practice, it is a skill, and it is something your body needs, that you need, your mind needs. And truly the reason I’m so passionate about rest is building the practice of rest is really building a relationship with yourself. That is the power.
We become so disconnected from who we are, who we want to be, our desires, we stop listening to ourselves and checking in with ourselves, because society tells us we shouldn’t, or we can’t and there’s a lot happening in the world. And the practice of rest even when you’re resting when it’s uncomfortable, or even when you’re resting when your brain’s being an asshole to you, or even when you’re resting when you feel anxious. Building that practice is building a relationship with yourself, of creating integrity with yourself, of showing yourself you value yourself.
It's getting to know yourself, it’s showing up for you, it’s having your own back, that is the power of this work. So, the next time you go to take rest and you noticed your brain freaking out, or emotionally you still feel anxious, just remind yourself, rest is 50/50. This is how it’s supposed to feel sometimes, that’s okay, it’s not a problem that this feels uncomfortable. Nothing has gone wrong you all, you know that’s my favorite thought, I tell it to myself all the time, nothing’s gone wrong.
So, before we go I have a huge, huge shout out thank you to share. Those of you who have taken time, precious time out of your schedules to review the podcast truly I am so grateful. I do not take that lightly. It means so much to me because that takes time and intention. You have to remember to do that. I have the memory of a goldfish, you all. My partner can attest to this. So, I know it’s not easy work to just remember to review a podcast and that means a lot to me because it’s helping other people in our community find the podcast and get the help.
So, I want to share a recent review that someone posted that really meant a lot to me, and I think it is going to help a lot of folks find this podcast. And they wrote, “I’m learning so much from this podcast, I’ve actually listened to chasing productivity multiple times. And it’s helping me see that my ideas about being productive have been totally wearing me out. I’m also enjoying learning what it means to rest. I’m not in public health and these messages still apply.”
Thank you so much to that listener for sharing your experience. I am so glad this is helping folks beyond public health. And I know so many other people searching the podcast, looking for help on burnout, or rest, or productivity or whatever it may be will find that, and read it and be like, oh my gosh, I have to listen and then they’ll get the help. They’ll be able to listen to that chasing productivity podcast and get the help you’re getting. So, thank you, thank you, thank you so much.
If you haven’t reviewed yet and you can, you feel like you have the capacity or ability, I would really appreciate it if you can share. You can totally share your favorite episode like this listener did, or just something you learned, you can write one sentence, three sentences, doesn’t matter. Whatever you share will be so valuable and so helpful to getting the podcast out to more people. So, with that, thanks again to those of you who have reviewed. Thanks to all of you for listening in and showing up for yourself, and building this relationship with yourself through rest.
Alright you all, have a great week, talk to you next week. Bye.
If you found this episode helpful then you have to check out my coaching program where I provide you individualized support to create a life centered around rest. Head on over to mckoolcoaching.com, that’s M-C-K-O-O-L coaching.com to learn more.
Enjoy the Show?
Don't miss an episode, follow on Spotify, Apple Podcasts or anywhere else you listen to podcasts.
