82. Self-Trust
Do you have self-trust? Would you recognize it – or a lack of it – showing up in your life? On the surface, a lack of self-trust doesn’t actually look like the issue is not trusting yourself, it can show up in many various ways and so many people aren’t even aware of it. The last thing the patriarchy wants is for women to trust themselves, but when you don’t have self-trust, you don’t bring all the amazing value you have to offer to the world.
When we trust and listen to ourselves confidently, we go after big goals. We speak up, we leave unhealthy spaces, and we make things happen for ourselves. No matter what we do, we love and support ourselves unconditionally, we stop seeking approval from others, and we shake up the world.
Join me this week to find out what self-trust is and what it is not, and the reason that so many of us don’t recognize when we’re struggling with trusting ourselves. I’m sharing some examples of what self-trust looks like, how a lack of it can show up in your life, and how to start trusting and believing in yourself so you can live an authentic life.
If you want to take this work deeper and learn the tools and skills to feel better, all while having my support and guidance each step of the way, I invite you to set up a time to chat with me. Click here to grab a spot on my calendar and I can’t wait to speak to you!
Do you find yourself overwhelmed, overworked, exhausted, and reactive because of your stress? Are you tired of never having enough time for what you want to do? My new course How The Patriarchy Robs You of Your Rest (and How to Get it Back!) is for you. You’ll leave the course with more emotional and mental rest than you have gotten in the whole of 2022. The course starts on January 9th, 2023, and enrollment opens on December 1st, 2022. Spots are limited, so be sure to sign up for the waitlist now.
What You Will Discover:
Why what other people think doesn’t create or diminish the trust you have in yourself.
How to recognize a lack of self-trust showing up in your life.
The importance of keeping going even when you don’t fully believe in yourself.
Why doubt doesn’t have to stop you from trusting yourself.
The reason so many of us are comfortable believing self-trust comes from external accomplishments.
What does and does not create self-trust.
Why creating self-trust is so important and why the patriarchy does not want you to have it.
Resources:
Join the waitlist to be the first to know when my new course: How the Patriarchy Robs You of Your Rest (And how to get it back!) is out.
Sign up for a Curiosity Call to find out if individual coaching can help you!
Follow me on Instagram!
Questions? Comments? I'd love to hear from you! Email me at info@mckoolcoaching.com
Join my weekly mailing list to get bonus free resources and coaching opportunities!
Full Episode Transcript:
Hey, you all, I’m Marissa McKool, and you’re listening to the Redefining Rest Podcast for public health professionals. Here we believe rest is your right. You don’t have to earn it, you just have to learn how to take it and I’m going to teach you. Ready? Come along.
Alright you all, how is it going? I’m sitting here in my office freezing. It seems like the cold air is coming in from the windows. I have a sweater on, thick socks, my under slippers and a blanket. We’re definitely going to figure out how to get that resolved. How are you all doing? I have about 30 minutes to record this podcast, maybe less because I have a coaching call right after this. But I really wanted to talk to you all about self-trust. This has been coming up so much in my one-on-one sessions with my coaching clients.
I just did a training with an organization which I’ll share more about in a little bit where this basically was what we talked about the whole time and so many other areas. But before we get into that I want to ask you a question. It’s a very serious question of course. Are you on the waitlist for the How the Patriarchy Robs You of Your Rest course? If not, why not? This course is going to completely transform how you think about and understand rest. I am talking about rest. I am teaching about rest. I am coaching about rest in a completely different new way than I have on this podcast.
This course really came out of me going through an advanced intersectional feminist coaching certification. And going through that certification really allowed me to dive deep into why women, especially women in public health struggle so much with getting rest, understanding the ways the patriarchy can almost become, lack of a better term, a puppet master for women preventing us from resting because of the ways we have internalized it.
The patriarchy, the last thing that system wants is for us to rest. And by rest I mean have time to ourselves, feel good about ourselves, go after our goals, put ourselves first. The patriarchy as a system is reliant on women serving a very specific role in a tiny box in the world. And yes there are systems and structures in place that really keep that system running. But one of the pieces is our own internalization. And it's time you break out of that so you can finally say no to what you don't want and yes to what you want without guilt.
So you can have your weekend present with your family, not worried about what you haven't done. This course is your course. It is designed for you if you’ve gotten a lot of the podcast but want to take it further and aren’t really ready to commit to my six month one-on-one coaching program yet. If you’ve been listening to the podcast and enjoying it but kind of struggling to apply it to your life. If you’ve been wanting to do the one-on-one coaching but haven't done coaching or curious and want to try it first before you really commit long term.
Or if you just want some additional support, there’s something you’re going through now that maybe is temporary or just popping up that you really could just do with some support on right now. Or if you feel like you don’t have the time to really commit to six months, but you can commit to five weeks because it’s only a five week course. Or if you want to do the six months but the cost is really out of reach for you right now and while you figure out the money, save up the money, you can commit to this course. That is a great option too.
So it starts January 9th, and it goes through February 10th. Each week you’ll get a short and impactful teaching, one on the science of rest. I know, we’re all science folks. We want to know the research but I’m also going to be sharing about the bias in the rest research that results in you being given advice on how to feel better, and how to be productive, and how to create habits. That’s not designed for women in mind. We’re going to be talking about why we subconsciously believe rest has to be earned and deserved.
And I’ve talked about that on the podcast before but in this course we’re diving deep into how the patriarchy promotes this into our lives and prevents you from resting. We’re also going to really explore how the patriarchy specifically leverages our hustle culture to have us keep chasing our checklist at home or at work. If you found the Chasing Productivity podcast helpful, which so many of you reached out to me and told me you did. This part of this course where we talk about productivity in the context of the patriarchy is going to blow your mind.
And we’re also going to talk about and you’re going to learn how you can create and get rest no matter what's happening in your life. So in addition to those weekly teachings you're going to get access to one-on-one private coaching with me. This whole five weeks is only $500, that is 8%, 8% of the cost of my six month program. So if you’ve been wanting to do the six month program, haven’t felt ready or financially you could or time commitment, do not skip this.
Recently I did a CDC training. I was talking about it kind of earlier, top of the podcast. It was a training I did for a CDC team. I didn’t participate in a CDC training, I was the trainer for the CDC team. And each staff member in this training got one coaching session, only one because that’s all the time and the funding would allow. Afterwards one of the staff shared in the group training, “I don't want to be dramatic, but my one session was lifechanging.” When she said that I got chills. Lifechanging, one hour.
Another staff at the end of our one-on-one said, “This is groundbreaking.” That's just one session. And this course not only gives you access to one-on-one coaching and multiple sessions, it gives you guided lessons to completely change how you’re going to integrate rest into your life. So you don't want to miss this. Get on the waitlist was now, mckoolcoaching.com/courses. And enrollment starts December 1st. So being on the waitlist guarantees you won't miss it. You won’t miss the announcement or the way to enroll.
Spots are limited. I would love to open this up to as many people as want it. But I also prioritize rest. I need to eat my lunch, not work 24/7. I practice what I preach, you all. And because of that there’s only a limited amount of spots. And the other benefit to that is it ensures I can give you all of my attention. You get the best support from me. I’ll be available to answer questions, to go deep with you. So you want one of those spots. So go sign up.
And now let’s talk about self-trust which a 100% is related to the patriarchy. Because the last thing the patriarchy wants is for women to trust themselves or anyone with one or more marginalized identities to trust themselves. Because when we trust ourselves and listen to ourselves confidently, what happens? We go after big goals. We speak up. We leave unhealthy spaces, we don't tolerate bullshit. We make things happen for ourselves. We don't seek external approval. We love ourselves. We don't keep ourself small. We shake up the fucking world.
Recently in nearly all of my one-on-one sessions which is part of the reason I was like, I have to record this podcast, my six month program self-trust has kept coming up. And here’s the thing about self-trust, it’s not on the surface. Some of the things you’re all struggling with, you would not think are self-trust issues and by issues I don’t mean you have an issue, I mean the core of the problem needing to be solved has to do with you not trusting yourself. It’s down underneath.
It's so subtle we don't realize that's what it’s related to. It’s not obvious. On the surface it doesn't look like the issue is not trusting yourself. On the surface it looks like not telling your boss you want to reduce your hours because you’re worried what they will think. Staying at your current job because you feel guilty leaving, even though you really want to move on, saying no to a new opportunity because you think you won’t be good at it. Secretly wanting to start a business, or consulting, or a new hobby, but not taking any action to figure out how to do it.
Questioning the decisions you make in your job, seeking the opinions of everyone around you to decide, holding yourself back from being consistent and going all in on a goal out of fear it won’t work. When I work one-on-one with my clients and these things come up and we start questioning them and get curious, what happens and what's been uncovering lately is the root is really a lack of self-trust.
This CDC training I just facilitated, we did a whole week dedicated to self-trust. Because when you don’t have self-trust you don’t show up giving all the amazing value you have to offer at work. You don't show up confidently, whether it’s confidence to lead a meeting or to not check your emails after 5:00pm. Part of the reason we don’t recognize we’re struggling with trusting ourselves is because of how society has constructed what you should base your ability to trust yourself on. We are told, the ability to trust yourself has to do with the number of years of experience.
But the truth is, that’s never consistent, [inaudible] this is why I have clients who are early career who think they don't have enough experience to trust themselves. And why when I worked in academia I worked with faculty who were leaders in their field, 20 years at the same university who didn’t trust themselves and questioned themselves. We’re taught to believe it has to do with skillset, type of degree, number of degrees, salary, job title.
You can tell when you’re lacking in trusting yourself when your brain offers you these thoughts, I don’t know enough. I’m not good enough. I don’t know what to do. I can't decide. I’ll make the wrong choice. I shouldn’t do it. What if I fuck up? And a million other thoughts. But what happens when you believe those thoughts? You feel anxious and confused, and overwhelmed. You don’t feel confident, you don’t feel calm, you don’t feel prepared. So you end up not speaking up, not sharing. You start judging yourself. You don't make a decision, you get stuck in indecision.
You defer to others. You worry what other people are going to think of you. You catastrophize worst case scenario. You don't ask for help. You don't go for your goals. You don't take action. The result is you don't show up fully with all of yourself to your life. You stay stuck. You don't claim your internal authority which is the opposite of self-trust. Self-trust is not having all the answers and never getting it wrong. Self-trust is believing you can figure it out, believing the knowledge, the skills, the degrees you have is what creates trust is the opposite of believing you can figure it out.
Trusting yourself is knowing no matter what happens you have your own back, you will support yourself, you will be kind to yourself. Self-trust is not having the belief, or the faith, or the confidence that you'll get it right all the time or be successful all the time. When you believe that you hold yourself back from even trying, even going after your goals. Self-trust is taking action towards your goals, towards what you want to use your time with, while believing no matter what happens you will continue to try.
Self-trust is making decisions, believing no matter what happens you will continue to try, you won’t give up, you’ll support yourself. You'll be kind to yourself, you will believe in yourself. Self-trust is not determined by what other people think of you, or your choices, or your abilities. Self-trust is you believing in you, believing in your goals, your future no matter what other people say, or the world says.
There are going to be plenty, and I guarantee you there already have been, of people who discount you, who diminish your value and skill, who don't believe in what you want to create, or that it's possible for you. Why, why, why on Earth would you want to join them in their opinions? Why would you choose to not believe in yourself and opt out of that? You cannot count on other people to validate you, to champion your goals, to help you believe you’re good enough. You have to do that.
The only person who matters if you believe in you, your goals, what you want to use your time, your decisions, the only person who matters, if your authentic self is the best, if you’re awesome, if you can do it, if you're good enough is you. It doesn’t matter if your boss, or team member, or a partner, or family, or friends, or anyone else thinks that. I guarantee, for all you not showing up fully authentically, holding yourself back, not going for your goals, not speaking up, not taking action.
There are people you can identify in your corner in your life who do believe in you, who have shared that with you, whether it’s a partner, or a co-worker, a boss, yet that has not translated into you trusting yourself and believing in yourself fully. Because what other people think doesn't create your belief and trust in yourself. You have to create that for yourself. When you don't trust yourself to take action, to go after a goal, to try to use your time the way you want, to say no, to make decisions. What happens is you disconnect from yourself. You don't get to know yourself.
You distance yourself from yourself, you don't focus on what you want, you don’t build the skill of relying on yourself and you defer to others instead. You build the habit of seeking external validation and approval rather than creating the habit of seeking internal validation and internal approval. You’re building cracks in the relationship you have with yourself. You do not need any external qualifiers to trust yourself, zero. You don't need any degrees. You don’t need years of experience. You don’t need a certain job title.
You don't need to have gotten it right a 100 times. You don’t need to make a certain amount of money. You don't need a certain amount of people to like you or agree with you. How do we know? During COVID, how many people with zero knowledge, zero public health experience, zero degrees, trusted the hell out of themselves to not wear a mask, to not get vaccinated and to say COVID was a hoax? A lot of people. Now, I’m not saying that their behaviors were justified, or that they weren’t harmful.
I’m using this to illustrate that trusting yourself is not something that is created by external accolade or accomplishments. It is something you decide to create internally. Here is why creating internal self-trust is so important and why the patriarchy, toxic capitalism, white supremacy does not want you to have it. When you don't trust yourself you delay making decisions. You get stuck in indecision, you drain your mental and emotional energy. You spend all your time focusing on things outside of your control rather than what’s in your control.
You don't take bold, creative, innovative action. You don’t show up as your authentic self with all your uniqueness. You don’t contribute the important value and perspectives, and skills, and insights you have that no one else has. You don’t believe in yourself. You don’t ask for help. You don’t delegate. You overwork to try to get people to like you. You spend your free time worrying about work, not being present in your life. And I could go on, and on, and on, and on.
Here is how most of you think you'll know when you can trust yourself. When you feel confident and when you don't feel doubt, fear, anxiety, or uncertainty. This belief results in you rarely or never trusting yourself because emotions do not create self-trust. Your emotions are not an indicator of whether or not you can trust yourself. We think that feeling confident is an indicator we can trust ourself, that’s not.
Confidence isn’t something that just happens magically. It does not come from years of experience, or knowledge, or degrees although we think it does, hence the faculty example. We create confidence. You don’t have to have any degrees, or skills, or qualifiers to feel confident. This is how we know. All of you have amazing accomplishments and achievements yet so many of your feel insecurity and a lack of confidence. If external accolades created your confidence you wouldn’t struggle with this. Most of you don't have the confidence to trust yourself.
You can be unsure of what to do and still trust yourself. You can have no clue what you're doing and still trust yourself. It is about being confident in yourself, to support yourself, be there for yourself, be kind to yourself, show up for yourself no matter what. And negative emotions do not prevent you from trusting yourself. You can feel fear and anxiety, and doubt and still trust yourself. Those emotions are not a sign you can’t trust yourself. Those are just emotions in your body created by a thought you're having, an optional thought.
I trust the shit out of myself, and I doubt myself all the time, all the time. Doubt doesn't have to stop you from trusting yourself. Fear doesn’t have to stop you from taking action. Anxiety doesn't have to stop you from trying. Maybe one of the biggest lies we’ve been sold is that your emotions are an indicator of what action you should take, that doubt means you shouldn’t decide, that fear means you shouldn’t try. No, you can take action, trust, and believe in yourself and go after your goals, make decisions with those emotions.
If you want to live a life where you show up authentically, speak up, take up space, go after goals, negative feelings are part of the package. Doubt, fear, anxiety come along for the ride. They do not have to stop the ride. And the truth is, this is so, so important, whether or not you are living authentically, making decisions, going after goals, negative emotions will still be there. Uncomfortable emotions are not going anywhere.
So if I’m going to experience guilt, and doubt, and fear, and anxiety either way, if I’m going to experience negative and uncomfortable emotions whether I go after my goals, live authentically, or keep myself small, not try and hold myself back. If either way I’m going to feel negative emotions I am choosing to go after my goals and live authentically, and trust myself, 100%, why wouldn’t you? This is where I want to leave all of you. If you only take anything from this episode take this.
Self-trust is not the absence of doubt. Self-trust is not having all the answers, making all the right choices, being able to have all the evidence to back yourself up. Self-trust is about choosing that no matter what you do. decide you will still love yourself, support yourself and keep going. Self-trust is knowing you will get it wrong, you will fail, and you will try again. You will keep going without shaming, or blaming, or judging yourself.
Part of the reason I think many of us are comfortable sticking with the belief that trust comes from external things, like degrees, or years of experience, or other people's opinions is because doing the work of creating internal trust goes against everything we’ve been socialized to believe under these systems of oppression. So the work of building that internal trust is uncomfortable because you’re going against the ways you’ve been socialized but it is possible.
And it gives you the freedom you want in your life, the freedom to decide, the freedom to do what you want, the freedom to use your time. It’s worth every bit of discomfort to live freely as who you are, doing what you want to do, creating the life you want to have. Creating self-trust, knowing you can figure it out, believing you can achieve what you want, not worrying about what others think, not seeking external validation, being your biggest cheerleader.
Speaking up, sharing your ideas can be some hard ass work to do but it is the work, it's the only work that will get you to trusting yourself, being authentic, not apologizing for who you are or your ideas. Being innovative, I have so many clients who come to me in their late career stages who thought the way to get out of insecurity, and doubt, and indecision, to confidence, and certainty was a list of accomplishments to achieve. The degrees, the years of experience, the salary, the partner, the house, etc. And they get all those things, and they still feel anxious and doubt themselves and judge themselves.
And they didn't go for their true goals or spend their time the way they really wanted to because self-trust is not created externally, that’s an inside job. And listen, if you’re listening and you’re later in your career and you’ve had that experience it's not too late. So many of my clients I work with later in their career come to me. We spend six months together and they create the self-trust. And now they're doing things they never thought they would have been doing. They’re no longer worried about their chore list or pleasing everyone else.
They’re going on the trips they want to go to. They’re taking time away from their family and saying, “You all figure it out. I’m going to go spend some time by myself.” They’re doing new hobbies, new skills, they’re switching careers, new jobs, so many things. So anyways, I know that was a bit more of a sermon. But this shit matters. If anything in this episode spoke to you, resonated with you, if you’re like, that’s me, I do that, I struggle with that.
Then the How the Patriarchy Robs You of Your Rest course is calling your name. It’s for you. It’s going to change your life. It's exactly what you need. We’re going to go deeper, you’re going to get more support to apply it and to have it transform your life. So sign up for the waiting list now so you don’t miss when enrollment starts December 1st, mckoolcoaching.com/courses. And we will leave a link in the show note. Alright you all, with that, I’ll see you next week.
If you found this episode helpful then you have to check out my coaching program where I provide you individualized support to create a life centered around rest. Head on over to mckoolcoaching.com, that’s M-C-K-O-O-L coaching.com to learn more.
Alright you all, how is it going? I’m sitting here in my office freezing. It seems like the cold air is coming in from the windows. I have a sweater on, thick socks, my under slippers and a blanket. We’re definitely going to figure out how to get that resolved. How are you all doing? I have about 30 minutes to record this podcast, maybe less because I have a coaching call right after this. But I really wanted to talk to you all about self-trust. This has been coming up so much in my one-on-one sessions with my coaching clients.
I just did a training with an organization which I’ll share more about in a little bit where this basically was what we talked about the whole time and so many other areas. But before we get into that I want to ask you a question. It’s a very serious question of course. Are you on the waitlist for the How the Patriarchy Robs You of Your Rest course? If not, why not? This course is going to completely transform how you think about and understand rest. I am talking about rest. I am teaching about rest. I am coaching about rest in a completely different new way than I have on this podcast.
This course really came out of me going through an advanced intersectional feminist coaching certification. And going through that certification really allowed me to dive deep into why women, especially women in public health struggle so much with getting rest, understanding the ways the patriarchy can almost become, lack of a better term, a puppet master for women preventing us from resting because of the ways we have internalized it.
The patriarchy, the last thing that system wants is for us to rest. And by rest I mean have time to ourselves, feel good about ourselves, go after our goals, put ourselves first. The patriarchy as a system is reliant on women serving a very specific role in a tiny box in the world. And yes there are systems and structures in place that really keep that system running. But one of the pieces is our own internalization. And it's time you break out of that so you can finally say no to what you don't want and yes to what you want without guilt.
So you can have your weekend present with your family, not worried about what you haven't done. This course is your course. It is designed for you if you’ve gotten a lot of the podcast but want to take it further and aren’t really ready to commit to my six month one-on-one coaching program yet. If you’ve been listening to the podcast and enjoying it but kind of struggling to apply it to your life. If you’ve been wanting to do the one-on-one coaching but haven't done coaching or curious and want to try it first before you really commit long term.
Or if you just want some additional support, there’s something you’re going through now that maybe is temporary or just popping up that you really could just do with some support on right now. Or if you feel like you don’t have the time to really commit to six months, but you can commit to five weeks because it’s only a five week course. Or if you want to do the six months but the cost is really out of reach for you right now and while you figure out the money, save up the money, you can commit to this course. That is a great option too.
So it starts January 9th, and it goes through February 10th. Each week you’ll get a short and impactful teaching, one on the science of rest. I know, we’re all science folks. We want to know the research but I’m also going to be sharing about the bias in the rest research that results in you being given advice on how to feel better, and how to be productive, and how to create habits. That’s not designed for women in mind. We’re going to be talking about why we subconsciously believe rest has to be earned and deserved.
And I’ve talked about that on the podcast before but in this course we’re diving deep into how the patriarchy promotes this into our lives and prevents you from resting. We’re also going to really explore how the patriarchy specifically leverages our hustle culture to have us keep chasing our checklist at home or at work. If you found the Chasing Productivity podcast helpful, which so many of you reached out to me and told me you did. This part of this course where we talk about productivity in the context of the patriarchy is going to blow your mind.
And we’re also going to talk about and you’re going to learn how you can create and get rest no matter what's happening in your life. So in addition to those weekly teachings you're going to get access to one-on-one private coaching with me. This whole five weeks is only $500, that is 8%, 8% of the cost of my six month program. So if you’ve been wanting to do the six month program, haven’t felt ready or financially you could or time commitment, do not skip this.
Recently I did a CDC training. I was talking about it kind of earlier, top of the podcast. It was a training I did for a CDC team. I didn’t participate in a CDC training, I was the trainer for the CDC team. And each staff member in this training got one coaching session, only one because that’s all the time and the funding would allow. Afterwards one of the staff shared in the group training, “I don't want to be dramatic, but my one session was lifechanging.” When she said that I got chills. Lifechanging, one hour.
Another staff at the end of our one-on-one said, “This is groundbreaking.” That's just one session. And this course not only gives you access to one-on-one coaching and multiple sessions, it gives you guided lessons to completely change how you’re going to integrate rest into your life. So you don't want to miss this. Get on the waitlist was now, mckoolcoaching.com/courses. And enrollment starts December 1st. So being on the waitlist guarantees you won't miss it. You won’t miss the announcement or the way to enroll.
Spots are limited. I would love to open this up to as many people as want it. But I also prioritize rest. I need to eat my lunch, not work 24/7. I practice what I preach, you all. And because of that there’s only a limited amount of spots. And the other benefit to that is it ensures I can give you all of my attention. You get the best support from me. I’ll be available to answer questions, to go deep with you. So you want one of those spots. So go sign up.
And now let’s talk about self-trust which a 100% is related to the patriarchy. Because the last thing the patriarchy wants is for women to trust themselves or anyone with one or more marginalized identities to trust themselves. Because when we trust ourselves and listen to ourselves confidently, what happens? We go after big goals. We speak up. We leave unhealthy spaces, we don't tolerate bullshit. We make things happen for ourselves. We don't seek external approval. We love ourselves. We don't keep ourself small. We shake up the fucking world.
Recently in nearly all of my one-on-one sessions which is part of the reason I was like, I have to record this podcast, my six month program self-trust has kept coming up. And here’s the thing about self-trust, it’s not on the surface. Some of the things you’re all struggling with, you would not think are self-trust issues and by issues I don’t mean you have an issue, I mean the core of the problem needing to be solved has to do with you not trusting yourself. It’s down underneath.
It's so subtle we don't realize that's what it’s related to. It’s not obvious. On the surface it doesn't look like the issue is not trusting yourself. On the surface it looks like not telling your boss you want to reduce your hours because you’re worried what they will think. Staying at your current job because you feel guilty leaving, even though you really want to move on, saying no to a new opportunity because you think you won’t be good at it. Secretly wanting to start a business, or consulting, or a new hobby, but not taking any action to figure out how to do it.
Questioning the decisions you make in your job, seeking the opinions of everyone around you to decide, holding yourself back from being consistent and going all in on a goal out of fear it won’t work. When I work one-on-one with my clients and these things come up and we start questioning them and get curious, what happens and what's been uncovering lately is the root is really a lack of self-trust.
This CDC training I just facilitated, we did a whole week dedicated to self-trust. Because when you don’t have self-trust you don’t show up giving all the amazing value you have to offer at work. You don't show up confidently, whether it’s confidence to lead a meeting or to not check your emails after 5:00pm. Part of the reason we don’t recognize we’re struggling with trusting ourselves is because of how society has constructed what you should base your ability to trust yourself on. We are told, the ability to trust yourself has to do with the number of years of experience.
But the truth is, that’s never consistent, [inaudible] this is why I have clients who are early career who think they don't have enough experience to trust themselves. And why when I worked in academia I worked with faculty who were leaders in their field, 20 years at the same university who didn’t trust themselves and questioned themselves. We’re taught to believe it has to do with skillset, type of degree, number of degrees, salary, job title.
You can tell when you’re lacking in trusting yourself when your brain offers you these thoughts, I don’t know enough. I’m not good enough. I don’t know what to do. I can't decide. I’ll make the wrong choice. I shouldn’t do it. What if I fuck up? And a million other thoughts. But what happens when you believe those thoughts? You feel anxious and confused, and overwhelmed. You don’t feel confident, you don’t feel calm, you don’t feel prepared. So you end up not speaking up, not sharing. You start judging yourself. You don't make a decision, you get stuck in indecision.
You defer to others. You worry what other people are going to think of you. You catastrophize worst case scenario. You don't ask for help. You don't go for your goals. You don't take action. The result is you don't show up fully with all of yourself to your life. You stay stuck. You don't claim your internal authority which is the opposite of self-trust. Self-trust is not having all the answers and never getting it wrong. Self-trust is believing you can figure it out, believing the knowledge, the skills, the degrees you have is what creates trust is the opposite of believing you can figure it out.
Trusting yourself is knowing no matter what happens you have your own back, you will support yourself, you will be kind to yourself. Self-trust is not having the belief, or the faith, or the confidence that you'll get it right all the time or be successful all the time. When you believe that you hold yourself back from even trying, even going after your goals. Self-trust is taking action towards your goals, towards what you want to use your time with, while believing no matter what happens you will continue to try.
Self-trust is making decisions, believing no matter what happens you will continue to try, you won’t give up, you’ll support yourself. You'll be kind to yourself, you will believe in yourself. Self-trust is not determined by what other people think of you, or your choices, or your abilities. Self-trust is you believing in you, believing in your goals, your future no matter what other people say, or the world says.
There are going to be plenty, and I guarantee you there already have been, of people who discount you, who diminish your value and skill, who don't believe in what you want to create, or that it's possible for you. Why, why, why on Earth would you want to join them in their opinions? Why would you choose to not believe in yourself and opt out of that? You cannot count on other people to validate you, to champion your goals, to help you believe you’re good enough. You have to do that.
The only person who matters if you believe in you, your goals, what you want to use your time, your decisions, the only person who matters, if your authentic self is the best, if you’re awesome, if you can do it, if you're good enough is you. It doesn’t matter if your boss, or team member, or a partner, or family, or friends, or anyone else thinks that. I guarantee, for all you not showing up fully authentically, holding yourself back, not going for your goals, not speaking up, not taking action.
There are people you can identify in your corner in your life who do believe in you, who have shared that with you, whether it’s a partner, or a co-worker, a boss, yet that has not translated into you trusting yourself and believing in yourself fully. Because what other people think doesn't create your belief and trust in yourself. You have to create that for yourself. When you don't trust yourself to take action, to go after a goal, to try to use your time the way you want, to say no, to make decisions. What happens is you disconnect from yourself. You don't get to know yourself.
You distance yourself from yourself, you don't focus on what you want, you don’t build the skill of relying on yourself and you defer to others instead. You build the habit of seeking external validation and approval rather than creating the habit of seeking internal validation and internal approval. You’re building cracks in the relationship you have with yourself. You do not need any external qualifiers to trust yourself, zero. You don't need any degrees. You don’t need years of experience. You don’t need a certain job title.
You don't need to have gotten it right a 100 times. You don’t need to make a certain amount of money. You don't need a certain amount of people to like you or agree with you. How do we know? During COVID, how many people with zero knowledge, zero public health experience, zero degrees, trusted the hell out of themselves to not wear a mask, to not get vaccinated and to say COVID was a hoax? A lot of people. Now, I’m not saying that their behaviors were justified, or that they weren’t harmful.
I’m using this to illustrate that trusting yourself is not something that is created by external accolade or accomplishments. It is something you decide to create internally. Here is why creating internal self-trust is so important and why the patriarchy, toxic capitalism, white supremacy does not want you to have it. When you don't trust yourself you delay making decisions. You get stuck in indecision, you drain your mental and emotional energy. You spend all your time focusing on things outside of your control rather than what’s in your control.
You don't take bold, creative, innovative action. You don’t show up as your authentic self with all your uniqueness. You don’t contribute the important value and perspectives, and skills, and insights you have that no one else has. You don’t believe in yourself. You don’t ask for help. You don’t delegate. You overwork to try to get people to like you. You spend your free time worrying about work, not being present in your life. And I could go on, and on, and on, and on.
Here is how most of you think you'll know when you can trust yourself. When you feel confident and when you don't feel doubt, fear, anxiety, or uncertainty. This belief results in you rarely or never trusting yourself because emotions do not create self-trust. Your emotions are not an indicator of whether or not you can trust yourself. We think that feeling confident is an indicator we can trust ourself, that’s not.
Confidence isn’t something that just happens magically. It does not come from years of experience, or knowledge, or degrees although we think it does, hence the faculty example. We create confidence. You don’t have to have any degrees, or skills, or qualifiers to feel confident. This is how we know. All of you have amazing accomplishments and achievements yet so many of your feel insecurity and a lack of confidence. If external accolades created your confidence you wouldn’t struggle with this. Most of you don't have the confidence to trust yourself.
You can be unsure of what to do and still trust yourself. You can have no clue what you're doing and still trust yourself. It is about being confident in yourself, to support yourself, be there for yourself, be kind to yourself, show up for yourself no matter what. And negative emotions do not prevent you from trusting yourself. You can feel fear and anxiety, and doubt and still trust yourself. Those emotions are not a sign you can’t trust yourself. Those are just emotions in your body created by a thought you're having, an optional thought.
I trust the shit out of myself, and I doubt myself all the time, all the time. Doubt doesn't have to stop you from trusting yourself. Fear doesn’t have to stop you from taking action. Anxiety doesn't have to stop you from trying. Maybe one of the biggest lies we’ve been sold is that your emotions are an indicator of what action you should take, that doubt means you shouldn’t decide, that fear means you shouldn’t try. No, you can take action, trust, and believe in yourself and go after your goals, make decisions with those emotions.
If you want to live a life where you show up authentically, speak up, take up space, go after goals, negative feelings are part of the package. Doubt, fear, anxiety come along for the ride. They do not have to stop the ride. And the truth is, this is so, so important, whether or not you are living authentically, making decisions, going after goals, negative emotions will still be there. Uncomfortable emotions are not going anywhere.
So if I’m going to experience guilt, and doubt, and fear, and anxiety either way, if I’m going to experience negative and uncomfortable emotions whether I go after my goals, live authentically, or keep myself small, not try and hold myself back. If either way I’m going to feel negative emotions I am choosing to go after my goals and live authentically, and trust myself, 100%, why wouldn’t you? This is where I want to leave all of you. If you only take anything from this episode take this.
Self-trust is not the absence of doubt. Self-trust is not having all the answers, making all the right choices, being able to have all the evidence to back yourself up. Self-trust is about choosing that no matter what you do. decide you will still love yourself, support yourself and keep going. Self-trust is knowing you will get it wrong, you will fail, and you will try again. You will keep going without shaming, or blaming, or judging yourself.
Part of the reason I think many of us are comfortable sticking with the belief that trust comes from external things, like degrees, or years of experience, or other people's opinions is because doing the work of creating internal trust goes against everything we’ve been socialized to believe under these systems of oppression. So the work of building that internal trust is uncomfortable because you’re going against the ways you’ve been socialized but it is possible.
And it gives you the freedom you want in your life, the freedom to decide, the freedom to do what you want, the freedom to use your time. It’s worth every bit of discomfort to live freely as who you are, doing what you want to do, creating the life you want to have. Creating self-trust, knowing you can figure it out, believing you can achieve what you want, not worrying about what others think, not seeking external validation, being your biggest cheerleader.
Speaking up, sharing your ideas can be some hard ass work to do but it is the work, it's the only work that will get you to trusting yourself, being authentic, not apologizing for who you are or your ideas. Being innovative, I have so many clients who come to me in their late career stages who thought the way to get out of insecurity, and doubt, and indecision, to confidence, and certainty was a list of accomplishments to achieve. The degrees, the years of experience, the salary, the partner, the house, etc. And they get all those things, and they still feel anxious and doubt themselves and judge themselves.
And they didn't go for their true goals or spend their time the way they really wanted to because self-trust is not created externally, that’s an inside job. And listen, if you’re listening and you’re later in your career and you’ve had that experience it's not too late. So many of my clients I work with later in their career come to me. We spend six months together and they create the self-trust. And now they're doing things they never thought they would have been doing. They’re no longer worried about their chore list or pleasing everyone else.
They’re going on the trips they want to go to. They’re taking time away from their family and saying, “You all figure it out. I’m going to go spend some time by myself.” They’re doing new hobbies, new skills, they’re switching careers, new jobs, so many things. So anyways, I know that was a bit more of a sermon. But this shit matters. If anything in this episode spoke to you, resonated with you, if you’re like, that’s me, I do that, I struggle with that.
Then the How the Patriarchy Robs You of Your Rest course is calling your name. It’s for you. It’s going to change your life. It's exactly what you need. We’re going to go deeper, you’re going to get more support to apply it and to have it transform your life. So sign up for the waiting list now so you don’t miss when enrollment starts December 1st, mckoolcoaching.com/courses. And we will leave a link in the show note. Alright you all, with that, I’ll see you next week.
If you found this episode helpful then you have to check out my coaching program where I provide you individualized support to create a life centered around rest. Head on over to mckoolcoaching.com, that’s M-C-K-O-O-L coaching.com to learn more.
Enjoy the Show?
Don't miss an episode, follow on Spotify, Apple Podcasts or anywhere else you listen to podcasts.
